dont stop!

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playing sound track –  DONT STOP!

Earlier this morning at about 12: 23 am i was trying to re assure myself that i was on the right track, a lot have been going on in my life recently, i need to make major decisions that would affect me for the next first two years of my life and these first two years will also build who i intend to become in the next five years which would be about three years from the first two years ( well that’s how confusing my thought process have become) I am a people’s person but i recently have been tagged strong so getting concrete advice from people have been hard because even they come to me for some. I have been stuck with myself, twitter, my new job role, new series and my latest best male friend. Even though all these things and people give me hope and make me see a sweet reflection of myself i cant seem to get a grip of it. i looked through a cupboard where i keep books and files and finding my 2011 black book on a normal ground was suppose to make me feel great about my self because truly i have evolved, i am a better person, i write for pleasure and inspiration, i have my coy registered, i am in-love with myself, i have a good job and good colleagues, i have a complete healthy family, i have a close boyfriend 🙂 ( yeah right), i have people who look up to me, i am gracefully serving my father’s land, i have almost finished my first book, i have a lot of inspirations and aspirations, my fashion line is growing, i am becoming a better muslimah. God has been faithful but really and truly within myself i do not feel fulfilled and in August I had a major breakdown because i couldn’t figure out what i truly wanted for my self what i am truly good at doing, people’s idea of who i am is gradually taking me away from my personal goals and dreams, pride is beginning to set in, fear and sense of incompleteness is almost taking over my personality.


But alas! i have so much to be grateful for, so so much i can not mention all, I needed something to keep me going something to help drive my decision making process, something to curb my fears, something…. just something to make choosing between three major careers of my life and prioritizing my next goals EASIER. I couldn’t find, i got bored of thinking, I spoke to a friend and the same thing was said ” you have great potential, i respect you so much and i wish you can see a reflection of what you are, you inspire people, you make people feel good about themselves, you create lives and mentor both young and old” these were her words, i wasn’t exactly touched because i hear them at least once in a while. my mum reminds me everyday of how proud of me she is, my sisters looks up to me, i am currently mentoring 3o kids into entrepreneurship but i just dont feel fulfilled.
Having what i want sometimes make me act silly I remeber one sunday morning I woke up with this hunger for “akara”, I tweeted about it and got a very good friend and neighbour of mine @hobalola to be interested too, we set out to buy akara knowing fully well we might not get it, we asked several people on twitter and got several responses, after trying about six spots on the adeniji adele axis, we dashed to his friend (@engr_ejo)’s house hoping to get akara around his aboda, but unfortunately we didnt, he contacted the akara virus immediately, the rain poured heavily after we waited a few minutes we agreed it wont be a bad idea if we scouted for akara under d rain before the people selling pack up, we got two umbrellas and swappped simultaneously as we roamed the street of lagos looking for akara, we had covered the west part of eko in an hour under the rain and in the flood looking for akara, it got to a point we wouldnt mind were they were frying akara for someone’s burial but we didnt see, apparently people stopped dying on the island or maybe no one died 41 days ago,abi?.

Another 30minutes had passed it was already half 11 am, we were hungry and tired, found a nice spot to chill and eat puff puff. it was so nice but we were not tempted into remitting our money to the mallam frying it. This time we were at Idumota coming from Tinubu Square, on getting there i called a cousin of mine who promised we would see in their area, I was so happy and glad, we draggedourselves down and up the dirty streets of Idumota going to the obas palace around were my cousin stays, we got there with hopes and smiles on our dear faces, we sat on a bench just by the corner, it had been a great journey after searching for akara on a rainy sunday, we finally got to a spot were we would find. my cousin arrived and gave the bad news that the woman had packedup, i was sad and close to tears, i really do want to eat akara that day, i havent had it since the begining of the year and i never start what i wont finish. i felt defeated i was willing to go all the way to Ebute Metta or even Ikorodu if i would find the akara but everyone discouraged me that it was a sunday afternoon already and no one would fry akara 9 ofcourse i added that to my goals that some day soon, i would sell sunday akara and other stuff people dont get to see and buy on sundays).
Before heading back home, i went to greet my grandaunt as you know(if you pass in front of obas palace you must greet him) she scolded me at my foolish adventure into finding akara and blamed the jobless boys who followed me all the way and said ” cant you fry akara in your house?” wow! non of us thought of that but even if we did, i dont know how todo it, i have never tried it. it was time to go home and we realised we had spent all the N200 we had to buy akara on transport and puff puff, it means even if we saw akara, there would be no money to buy it. foolish us. but atleast we tried, we got back home really tired and angry but you know what? we didnt Stop!


we didnt stop our quest, we bought beans, pilled it together, added neccessary sauce: fish, beef, oil, pepe and the likes, mixed it up and started frying. we didnt know how to measure or fry after the first set got burnt, we did the next very well. it came out in funny shapes and sizes but the outcome was great and delicious, we shared with family and friends and now our story and stupid journey was worth it.
At this time 3:45am i thought to myself, even though everyone thinks I’m fulfilled, some think i have arrived and some dont even recognise me, my personal golas have not been achieved, though i might be confused and helpless but i will buy my beans, make my mixture, fry my akara and I wont stop trying! and the few i don’t get right i will seek help.

dont stop!!!!

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Are you where you thought you would be?

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Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?

I have been asked this question over and over again and every time the answer changes. The answer changes because I am always changing. Where you want to be in your life and where you think you will actually be are 2 very different things. As children we all wanted to be rich and famous and well-known (well most of us-maybe not all). But realistically we knew this was not going to be the case.

I can honestly say I never had a clear picture of what I thought my life would be like at this point.

I am the type of person that wants to learn and experience so much that I am unable to think of a life only one certain way. It would actually be almost impossible to picture my life at a future time. I will always have goals and dreams and I do hope some of these come into fruition but I don’t rely on these things to shape my life to define me.

I believe I am undefinable. I would have never guessed that I would be working in an IT firm or even be a fashion designer or at most surprising be a writer. I want to pursue a degree in human resource management or project management, I will eat my words with saying this and probably catch a lot of hell, but I am unsure of exactly how I want to use this degree and i definitely will go to fashion school. When I first started with this it was never my intention to make a name out of this but over the past year I have dove a lot into art and even learning how to sew and more on design techniques. people recommend, request and call me for different projects i don’t even have any idea about, its so sweet to know that few people believe in me and that as earlier planned am a role model to a few and still in-charge of my little tittle “FIRST CHILD”

OK, now back to the topic at hand…Am I where I thought I would be at this point in my life? As stated, I never saw my life in a certain way. if going by my initial plan, i should still be in school studying medicine, but going by the later plan, well what can i say Alhamdulilah. The only thing that is most important in my life (and I hope it is in everyone else’s – even through the hard times) is happiness. The thing about that though that I needed to change was realizing that happiness is a journey and not a destination. I still have to remind myself of that all of the time because I am always looking for an end…and while looking for that end I am missing the incredible journey I am on in this very moment. It has taken me a really long time to get to this point.

I am at a crucial point in my life where things are starting to make sense and I am feeling more in tune with who I am than I ever have. I still have a hard time accepting things and I do not always stand up for myself and I dislike confrontation in any form but I am learning. I am accepting what is right now. I am learning that I am beyond lucky for the things that I have in my life. I go through phases of loneliness and anxiety but I never stop forgetting that they are only moments and the world is too big of a place to get stuck in one small rut. I am slowly starting to talk more about who I really am and face fears that I had been ignoring for a long time. I am bringing what is on the inside out and the journey is absolutely breathtaking.

So i am not there yet, a lot of things have gone out of place, a lot in place and a lot too arranged am over whelmed but i am grateful and happy to be where i am because it is so promising and with you all by my side encouraging me.. i will get there!

ARE YOU THERE YET? and if not, where would you be in 5years?