who i am…

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Who i am..

Life is full of these twists and turns.

Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day. I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can. I am not looking for an answer. There is no answer. Life is about what we feel. We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria. We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.

There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow. We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after. I see bits and pieces of this picture. I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated. I cannot equate love with settling down. I equate love to this amazing sense of desire. I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is. I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t. This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle for the wrong reason. I do not want the house with the white picket fence. I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person. In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry.

I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other. I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling. When I think about love I feel it in every part of me. I am alone right now because of this vision I have. I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable. I don’t want to give up this vision though. One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it. I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away. Is it? Love for everyone is so very different. I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.

I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind. There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple. I don’t know why I am like this. On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this. My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths. I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok. When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?

With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken. I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense. I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense. I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from. I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly). I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from. I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others. I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning.

I cannot lie, I want this feeling back. I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose). I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another. I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves. I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more. I can be by myself. I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back. Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared. In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone. Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head. Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive. I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out. With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery.

I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks. Being asked who you are is such an abstract question. I will not answer by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature. Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition. I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question. It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me. I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me. I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me. I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out. I am a wanderer and an artist. I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms. I am an embracer of words. My physical self is not who I am. My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter. I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable. I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless. I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense.

I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry. I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day. I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place. This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me. I do not want to hide. I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.

so…. WHO ARE YOU? ( you can email me)

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Father, Dadddy or Both?

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Good morning Blog-ville, how was the weekend?

I really should have posted this yesterday but i got so occupied, am so sorry.

Yesterday, June 17th,2012 was father’s day; HAPPY FATHER’S DAY.

It was a calling for me and many others as i noticed through their updates, tweets, Facebook messages and numerous broadcasts, i almost called my father or at least text him but then my ego or lets say pride wont let me, don’t blame me i learnt that from him. i love my father, no doubt, i miss him so much but not enough to let go of my ego, he though me that too. (karma.. lol)

Back to the topic, father-daddy-both; which are you? which do you have? which will you be? which will you have?

A father: is defined as the male parent or individual progenitor of human offspring

To father: a verb is to procreate or to sire a child from which also derives the gerund fathering.

Traditionally, fathers act in a protective, supportive and responsible way towards their children. Involved fathers offer developmentally specific provisions to their sons and daughters throughout the life cycle and are impacted themselves by their doing so. Active father figures may play a role in reducing behavior and psychological problems in young men and women. An increased amount of father–child involvement may help increase a child’s social stability, educational achievement, and their potential to have a solid marriage as an adult.

The above concluding that a father’s role is very important in a child’s life.

prayers for those who lost theirs and kudos to those who took their place.

Daddy is an affectionate, familiar term, form of direct address, or nickname for a father.

DADDY IS THE RESPONSIBLE, PROTECTIVE AND SUPPORTIVE ROLE OF A FATHER

This is where i am going, being a father doesn’t necessarily mean your are a daddy and vice vars a, usually there’s a misconception but truly a daddy is more daring, desiring and chilling than a father, a father sounds and is more forceful, like the only reason is to bring you to the world, of course anyone can be a father (if fertile or potent) but not everyone is or will be a daddy (be it fertile or potent) fatherhood entails the role of daddy-hood but most men have lost this in the trance of worldly views and ego.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special mind to be a daddy- m’ade

A lot of fathers have become irresponsible and nonchalant, usually from hate of mother or just the natural sense of not caring, leaving their roles for another man or mostly the woman to handle forgetting the above said of how a child’s life is dependent on how he/she is being raised and believing that no matter what the child would home to them, contrary to this assumptions or believe many of them are at the loosing end, leaving child to waste away or having them struggle, molested by the new father or even being robed.

A father doesn’t always have to be there as we have late-father, absent-father, sperm donor, baby-daddy as the case maybe. A father’s love should be genuine and always forthcoming, there should be full sense of responsibility and remorse when he cant meet up, a father should be aware and current of the child’s situation. All these are and more are what qualifies him as a daddy.

A good father would not manage a company and let it crumble or govern a state with a heartless mind, let alone president a black country with black days and night, watch the video Michelle Obama made for Obama yesterday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tz28tO2IIeM

All these starts from now, all the uncaring, nonchalant and heart act of treating people, handling situations and answering questions leads to the father in you, the father you will be and the father you possess. This is not one sided, this goes to both male and female.

You cannot and shouldn’t hate a child because of the mother, don’t marry someone you don’t want to see a child in, do not bring to this cruel world a child you will not be responsible for, because it is even a sin to be irresponsible, whatever becomes of your child, good or bad, you shall be accountable for by the almighty.

when a father gives to his son, both laugh, when a son to his father, both cry – William Shakespeare

It is a wise father who knows his child.  But maybe it’s a very wise child who takes time to know his father – Anonymous

A wise son maketh a glad father- Proverbs 10:1

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence -Budington Kelland

The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him. Proverbs 20:7 

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.  ~Author Unknown

These are the Muslim men I want my son to grow up to be like, and for your sons to grow up to be like — full of love, wit, compassion and generosity, with a deep respect for women, and a commitment to serving God by serving humanity.

As a Muslim father, I must shoulder an enormous responsibility, both fiscal and religious, and this responsibility is first encountered before I even have any children at all.-Hesham A. Hassaballa

Failing to provide for the children after divorce will not only get a Muslim father in trouble with the authorities, but he will also get into very big trouble with God Almighty.Hesham A. Hassaballa

lastly:
“All of you are shepherds, and you are all responsible for your flocks. The father in his home is a shepherd, and he is responsible for his flock…” The word in Arabic for “responsible” is mas’ul. This word also means “that about which one will be asked.” Thus, the tradition can also be translated as, “The father in his home is a shepherd, and he will be asked by God about his flock.”