Fear of Karma!

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Hi everyone, my name is Kamila and I love my boyfriend. Big deal? No! But how I came to love him, big deal? Yes!!

I’m such a fun girl, I’m more of an extrovert, loving, playful, sassy but a bit responsible, I can be crazy when necessary and I can be gentle if required.

I’m not exactly faithful, well until recently. I love to experiment even though I’m not a scientist. I just finished my ACCA exams and it was a success. Thank Goodness karma, didn’t try to deal with me in that area because that would have been a big loss.

I’m 24years old, from a middle class family and well mannered. I have three siblings, two brothers and a sister. I’m the third child but I get no pampering because my parents are disciplined. I was thought the right ways of the lord but I also learnt from the streets Yo!

I will not bore you with my life but I’ll ask you to please read carefully. I don’t know why I approached M’ade but I just thought I’ll use her platform to get my story out.

I have been dating my present boyfriend for about 3years now. We have been weak, strong and determined but it didn’t change who I am or what I love to do. I am an extrovert, he’s more of an introvert and my relationship with him gets really boring, I particularly don’t have many friends and my best friend is happy married.

Since she got engaged I brought myself to reality because we met our boyfriends at approximately the same time and I wondered what I was doing with mine.

Since my first sexual intercourse, I have slept with six guys, most of whom I slept with after I met my boyfriend, we never had any official breakup but whenever it gets boring I find myself cheating.

Usually, I’m never in regret but I’m afraid of my past catching up with me. He probably has cheated but he’s a guy. He lies and pretends but whenever it’s about me, its 100%.

Back to why I’m writing this, recently about 6months ago, my boyfriend and I always had issues of how to chill and hangout, but he always wanted us to sit at home and do nothing which leads us to either too much or too little sex. That’s not what I want; I want to be adventurous with my boyfriend. I want to go shopping, see movies, laugh outside, go visiting friends and xxxxxxxx just under the sky. He’s gotten boring by the day. Each time I complain he promises to adjust, and after about 2days he’s back to his boring old self.

I love him and I’m ready to do whatever he wants, but being boring isn’t just working. So, one of my friends noticed my constant complaint on my personal status on BBM and asked what’s up with me. I reluctantly answered because I never discuss my relationship. A lot of girls are out there single, they just complicate yours. She advised I make new friends, try new platforms and learn to be happy without my boyfriend. She then asked what kinda guy I liked. I gave her the girly description of a perfect man. She wowed me by sending pictures of the intended boredom saver. I immediately disapproved of him because he is fair skinned. She laughed and said he was fair to the heart. We exchanged contacts and that’s how it began.

Day 2, into my chatting up with Hussain has been amazing. Oh Hussain is his name, we from the same state. He works in a cargo company and lives in Port Harcourt just around my parents second home. My present boyfriend also works with a communication company in Port Harcourt but I school in Lagos. Just one week into our friendship, I knew almost everything about Hussain more than I can say about any guy I had met. He makes me smile, happy and free. We talk about everything and anything. He’s just a sweet guy. But I still wasn’t sure of his personality since it was virtual. Then we decided to meet. It was magical, as we were both thinking the same things. On my arrival at the airport, Hussain was there waiting for me with flowers. He took me home and got me lunch. Not that I’m comparing but I just need you guys to see it all. My Boyfriend Kamal has never picked me up from the airport even if it’s a weekend and his office is on the airport road Port Harcourt. I never complained because I had never tasted the other side. Hussain calls me up for lunch and talks to me about everything including his girlfriend as I did him mine.

I consciously and unconsciously daily expressed my love for him and all he did was smile, he never told me he liked me but his action shows it. I became confused as I never worried about chatting or calling Kamal. Time passed and we felt more close and intimate, we had our first weird kiss and the several followed. I took my time but I also wanted it. He was sweet and fun. I didn’t feel a bit of guilt about it and I still don’t.

Two months ago my parents asked me to bring home a man and because my mum had met Kamal, she expects me to bring him but I needed to make clarifications with my mind. I tried discussing with myself in the mirror but it kept bouncing back. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because it sounded insane. I love Kamal sooo much because every time I cheat or draw away from him, we sometimes find ourselves in each other’s arms like we were meant to be together. I love Hussain because he’s sweet, adorable and makes me ‘happy’. I’m happy with Kamal but I fear it might fade out of boredom.

I spoke with Hussain about meeting my parents and how they wanted my man home, he reluctantly responded, I know it’s too soon but I just hope he’ll at least say something about his feelings for me. I needed him to give me a go ahead or stall my parents but he didn’t. The pressure was getting high and I didn’t want my father to think I’m irresponsible considering I’m 24 and they know I’m seeing someone. I told Kamal about it and he was excited. Even though we are not ready yet, he’s ready to make it official, he’s long taken me to his parents and I’ve been accepted.

A week after Kamal’s meeting with my parent, Hussain gave me the shocker story; of how he loves me and has made up his mind to marry me and all. I was devastated as to why it took him so long. he cried on his knees and begged for a chance but I can’t break my engagement with Kamal because I have promised him. I can’t go back to my parents and say stories. That night, we made out and said goodbye.

 The first few days were hard but I was left to myself to learn to appreciate my man and I hope I have made the right choice. My heart has refused to speak to me, I am hoping you can.
 

K

kindly comment and share, thanks

why didnt he call back?- male perspectives

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It’s a story as old as time…you meet a great guy, have a “perfect” first date, and then you never hear from him again. Some girls spend weeks waiting by the phone and agonizing over what possibly could have caused him to forget their 90 minutes of awesomeness. So I decided that the most efficient way to dust off this cold-case file and crack this age-old mystery would be to go straight to the source of confusion and mercilessly grill a man for answers. My friend Stephen, offered to martyr himself for this cause, and contributed the article below even though i didnt tell him.

So let’s break down the Top 10 thoughts of what us males are thinking and the reasons behind it.

1.You Look NOTHING Like Your Online Dating Profile

Fellas, if the girl has some funky ass “twitter” or bbm angle in her profile picture or if it’s dated: turn and run. There is usually a very real reason why the picture is from different angles, dated or overloaded with silly photo effects. Not trying to be mean here but if you’re guilty of the “twitter” pose, that’s false advertising. And guys, don’t think you’re getting off scot free on this, I’ve seen my fair share of guys posing from different angles, or taken in the mirror. You look stupid fellas, show your personality not your biceps. Either way, for both sexes, look at it like this – If we were standing in line somewhere, let’s say at a store, and we made eye-contact and you didn’t find yourself sexually attracted to me, would you be inclined to start a conversation with me and give me your number at the end of our chat? Odds are on probably not. So if you opt for the online dating option, make sure you update your profile picture and that it looks like you!

2.Blah Blah Blah

Cell phones and females go hand in hand. But if you’re out on a first date, set your phone on vibrate. There is NOTHING more annoying than being in the middle of dinner and your phone goes off…followed by you answering it and talking to your girlfriend about meaningless shit that can wait. We like the attention that being out with you gives us and it generally pisses us off and leads to observing you in a different light if you are on the phone constantly during the date.

3.”Am I Paying For Dinner Or Your Services?”

Ladies, us guys understand that you’re blessed with certain “assets” that us males are not. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the eye-candy, but if we are looking for a potential relationship with you, there is nothing that will make me high-tail it outta there faster than if you show up with those “assets” hanging out on full display and you are blatantly checking out other guys in the venue. I realize I have probably broken Man-Law here by telling you lovely ladies to cover up, especially on the first date, but we want respectable girls, not the ones that are looked at as “red-light” quality. Now we aren’t asking that you show up in a hoodie and covered up like you’re in the arctic. There ARE other options that you can rock without looking like you should be swinging off of a pole. Think about it girls, would you like to meet a guy for the first date and he shows up in a shirt unbuttoned to his bare stomach and seemingly painted on pants? Doesn’t seem too classy does it?

4. The Lion King Soundtrack Theory

If we are out for dinner and it looks like you’re humming the words of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” in your head, I’m looking for ANY excuse to end that date IMMEDIATELY. I’ve said this numerous times in the past, I KNOW I’m not the best looking guy in the world, but I do realize that some women out there find me good-looking or borderline Fabio-eqse (minus the gloriously epic flowing mane and accent), but if we are in conversation and I notice your eyes glaze over and you “fall into a trance” looking at me, that just fires up red flag rockets left right and centre. Yes, it’s nice to feel attractive, but if you’re already imagining a life together after the first date; don’t expect a phone call.

5. Did You Just…

We realize that ladies try their hardest to act like ladies all the time. But nothing kills the first date mood than “accidentally letting one go” that is audible enough to echo in the Grand Canyon. This should obviously go without saying and we realize that accidents do happen. But if possible, please try and excuse yourself from our conversation and do your business somewhere else. Guys, this goes for you too… You may laugh at this…but I’ve actually had this happen to me during a first date.

6. I’m Feeling It

Guys are not mind readers. When we go out on a first date with a girl, we are nervous. We may fake it and act all cool about it, but deep down we feel like we are on egg-shells. “Does she like me?”, “Did I say something stupid?”, and “What is she thinking?” bombards our thought process constantly like the little devil sitting on our shoulder. If we are not getting any obvious signs that you’re interested, we probably won’t call you. Guys hate/fear rejection just like girls do. That being said, I’ve had my fair share of girls call me a couple days after our date and just verbally BLAST me because I neglected to call them, and they felt that I was “leading them on”. Well to those girls as well as the ones reading right now; if you are interested in the guy, show it.

7. I’m Not Feeling It

I really can’t break this one down any further. I am sure this goes both-ways without saying. If I am “not feeling it”, I will not lead you on, and you will know that it just isn’t happening for me. I would only hope that you have the same courtesy to do that to me instead of leading me on.

8. Red-Flags

I’m writing this post from the “guy looking for a relationship” perspective. If I was writing this from the perspective of guys just looking for a “one night stand” this point would be drastically different as we wouldn’t be AS picky. During the course of the date, us guys are trying to pin-point certain traits or aspects we find unattractive, or the aforementioned “red-flag.” Statistically, it is a scientific fact that most people exaggerate on the first date to make themselves look more impressive to the other person. Don’t know why we do this, it just happens. So if the “red-flag” flies like it’s at a football game, it’s time to move on. Which leads me to point number 9 as it is one of the most common “bullshit” lines you’ll hear during the first date.

9. The 3rd Element

Again, I’m going to be breaking “Man-Law” on this one, but it is a general rule of thumb (sometimes), that if a girl tells you how many men she’s been with, you multiply it by 3. Yes, I realize that there might be multiple different break downs of the formula or other numbers to multiply her number by, but always remember you can’t go wrong with 3. Why am I telling you this? Because when I am looking for a relationship with a girl, I don’t want to know how many men you slept with (even though I do). Does this make sense to you ladies? If not, then my work here is done.

And Finally… The Most Controversial Of Them All….

10. There Was a Game on TV and We Forgot

To all the women who are wondering why a guy never called them back, I have just one piece of advice: FORGET ABOUT IT. There is a reason (be it good/bad or otherwise) why the guy didn’t call you back. Maybe he didn’t like you, maybe he did like you and is too shy to call you back, and maybe he lost his cell phone that had your number in it. Whatever the reason; he isn’t calling you back. Get over it and move on. There are WAY too many proverbial fish in the sea to get all worried and bent out of shape because a guy didn’t call you back. I can’t even begin to count how many women in my life haven’t called me back. It’s just the name of the dating game and the nature of the beast. Cry yourself a river then build a bridge and get over it.

Until Next Time…

THIS IS MEAN…… Stephen you’re mean, but my dear girls, we still got our grills let’s keep it up! :Δ

My saturday is so sweet, how’s your?

AISHA n JOSH 6

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After about 10minutes drive, passing by several checkpoints with just about a hundred or two tipping the policemen at the checkpoints off, they wouldn’t bother to check or even have the slightest glimpse at my teary eye which might raise suspicions, this made me realise these guys know their way. I am surely not their first, as they drove pass, they smiled at the policemen and stretched their bloody hands towards them. I couldn’t be bothered about my next scene but all that clogged up my mind was what i last saw of my Josh.
It was so hard to mention what i saw Josh doing in the last episode not because i caught him with another girl, that i have seen before with the guy i broke up with before Josh(in episode 1). Maybe its not as shocking as it sounds but its the least i ever thought of.
On getting to Josh’s house(our house) after several knocks on the door and knuckles bleeding, I peeped through the window, the sight of him sniffing coke made me drop a tear, but the sight of another girl, tying him up to his bed and shoving into his throat another man’s penis was hell! I can’t think of a word to use, because right now, the thought of the whole drama and his excitement makes me scream into my own ears, makes me wonder what i ever saw in him, what i was thinking to have allowed him use me up to the point of loss and self rejection. Josh isn’t only dealing drugs,he is a liar, a thief, a flirt, a cheat and even Bisexual – !!!!!
As i shook my head to this picture, a slap landed on my wrist, as the thugs(yes! They are thugs) pushed me out of the car, and dragged me by my waist into the bush, my legs hurt, my knees bruised and my eyes looked into the dark sky for mercy. But none of these men looked down at me, they were too angry at chief’s call and too excited to rest their heads in camp. I was tied to a pillar, they lit up their cigars and wandered around the uncompleted building aka camp. I could hear them deliberate on what to do with me. I prayed hard and sang to my Lord, called on the best of his names to forgive me and have mercy on me. I couldn’t imagine the simplest torture, I just wished what happened in movies could happen, I wished my late father would appear but No he didn’t. They had too much alcohol already before they came back to where i was, i was too tired from crying to even look up at them, as i was even too scared to look into their red-wicked eyes, i was untied and asked to take off my clothes.
I didn’t struggle with them but my process was too slow to condone, my dress was ripped off, who would think hands could tear cotton, well it did, i was half naked and was pushed to the ground, my head hit the pillar in series just before i hit the ground, i must have fainted, that must have been God’s way of answering my prayers, i was pounded in rounds and almost turn apart, Pain was inevitable but struggle was no longer in my grips, i yearned for help for couldn’t even hear myself, their voices echoed in my head, but my head ached too much to put all the words together and come up with a sensible sentence. It took forever for them to be done with me, I had to stop counting on getting to the third guy, I lost hope and literally I called upon the angel of death, He didn’t answer me, I begged God to just take my life but he had his mind made up, I just laid helplessly got bruised with no pleasure, no protection, no mercy..
My head kept bleeding until one of them noticed coupled with my heartbeat, they feared i’ld be dead soon, i was bundled up by two while the other two light up the path through which i was rushed to, sooner than i imagined i was dropped from a height(their shoulder) into the bush, I screamed out loud, non-stop hoping someone would at least find my body even if that were my last. They were too busy trying to escape rather than shut me up. I called out to my mother’s name and that of my late Father’s how fast asleep could they have been to let me suffer this much.
Which of the pains do i nurse first, that of my head, my thighs that could no longer move or that of the inner lining of my womb that gushed like the just launched bore-hole? It was certain i wouldn’t survive the night but i used my last breath to pray for heaven and help console my lonely mother. As my breath fade, so did my eyes dim and so did that torch shine into my eyes……

AISHA n JOSH episode 5

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Is this what my friends saw and couldn’t tell me? Is this what they left me to find out myself, is this how i should know? Why have everyone forsaken me? Why did JOSHUA do this to me, especially to himself, the first thing i usually do at moments like this was to call my mum , my Godmother or best friend, but my phone was right beside them, i knocked till my hands bled, tears filled my eyes, i could breath no more, i was almost losing my breath when a neighbour passed and grabbed my shoulders, he asked; are you his sister? I said No, and told him I was his girlfriend. Adam the neighbour made it clear that this wasn’t the first time Josh was doing this and he heard he’s a pastor’s son. He shook his head in shame and fear for me and asked me to go home.
I explained my situation and how important it was for me to get my phone, Adamu knocked hardly on the door but no one responded, the music was so loud am sure with the concentration of sound and distracted mind, they wouldn’t hear us and even if, they will not respond.
I hear, this act is fun and exciting, i do not know what it feels like, i do not envy it, in fact i fought this act during my final exams and project with the help of Josh, how can he be a part? How? I asked myself. As i wondered away from the window through the dark corridor, Adamu helped me with some water to wash my face. He walked me out the compound, everywhere was very dark already but luckily we saw a flash, usually from a bike. As i mount the bike, Adamu said, don’t ever come here again or at least not alone.
The bike guy zoomed off, speeding at about 70km/h, i tried to caution him and he screamed back at me, i was shocked and talked rudely to him, my voice was almost gone from excess weeping and yelling. During this time he had passed the turning to my friend’s house, I called his attention to this and he shut me up, and slowed down by a tree i was about to alight in anger when two men approached and asked what was wrong, as i explained the bike man also alighted and one of the men took the wheel, the other grabbed me from behind and held a dagger to my face. I didn’t struggle with them, because i didn’t want to anger them. I begged as i forced myself to knee and battled my eyes non-stop but it was too dark for them to notice.
He gagged my mouth with a large piece of cloth and told me to nod at whatever he says. At this point, they stopped speaking english and spoke igbo, i started crying and praying for mercy. What would i tell God got me killed or used for rituals? A man? A douche bag? What will become of my lonely mother? What will become of my friends and colleagues?. I recited all the quranic verses i knew, i called upon the Almighty. I even made some sort of covenant at the spot. They were busy making several calls as i was made to sit behind the tree with my hand tied around my neck.
Few minutes later, a car came forth and they put me on the back sit, telling me to make no noise as they removed the gag. I was strongly assured if i raised any alarm, they will not hesitate to cut off my neck, i told them ” i will cooperate”. He gave me an evil smile and told the driver to move. I thought of several jack bauer tricks and all the Chloe’s tactics, everything sidney of ‘ALIAS’ would have done but i laughed at myself when i remembered how powerless i am even with a single Josh. A call came in just after about 8minutes drive and the conversation got the receiver angry.

Up till that point, they had not beaten me, by time he dropped the call, his heavy hand landed on my face, i couldn’t look up, i couldn’t help but scream, the other man on my left brought out the dagger to remind me screaming attracts something worse, i was just calling on God’s name. The driver and the other guy in front, asked what the caller said and he replied;
“Chief talk say in don see another person, and na this bastard cause am o, as we follow reach that place, she no gree commot quick now, chief no go give us balance.” He said in a roaring voice. The driver suggested they took me to camp and left for lagos the next day, saying i would be of better use in lagos.

Leave your thoughts pls,

AISHA n JOSH…. episode 3

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Last week, I used a picture to represent Josh and I and obviously that’s not our picture but it gives a description of how we were then, JOSHUA is a tall muscular, fair guy, he his very hairy and good looking, hails from the western region and lived in the east just before his father became an Evangelist in a church in Kogi were we met.

Let me give a brief history:

I, Aisha is the only child of my Mother who is the only child of her parent, I am hausa from Abdalawa in Katsina Lat 13.16 Long 7.9 with population of about 195,000 people mostly women and children residing in the town. Farming and cow rearing is a major occupation but my mother is a business woman, she distributes Dangote products and is friends with a lot of business men and women in Kogi State, that’s how we moved to Kogi and she made me school somewhere close, i was very young and smart, i had idea in almost everything, science was and is my darling and would fall for anyone who played the role of Daddy since i lost mine when I was just 11 😦 i never knew a large family, i was used to the little i had and was always grateful, i practise Islam and did all required except that i got carried away as a teenager, had friends but never partied or clubbed until i met Josh because that was his way of life, it occurred to me i missed out a lot but i still caught up with many.

Josh on the other hand, is the first of 6children and so much was expected of him at the time he was just 25 had 5 siblings looking up to him, a mother who believed in him and a father who is always expecting, Despite our messy lives we still held on to family and each time he speaks of his, i always wished i had one to talk about. He works for an advertising company and did his MSc has part time, he might not be the born again Christian but will always pray, go to church and do the norms, he has invited me to sunday services several times but i always find excuses.

Its been 5months into our very undefined relationship and we were both always trying to define it but it leads to one argument or the other, he started to introduce me to friends as his girlfriend and i was now free to talk about him to my girlfriends, i even mentioned him to my mom but she wasn’t in full support of the relationship, this i knew because she never asked after him. I didn’t mind because i was sure he now loved me and cared about me and would always make me smile. Josh never stopped his romantic ways and he never stopped how we started off, every day was lived freshly and lively.

Soon before i was due to go home for the long break, Josh took me to his parents house, we were in for about an hour or two, we talked about how we would miss each other at a point i cried because he was also almost done with his master’s programming and was planning to take a job in Cyprus but wasn’t sure yet. The end was the only thing i saw in our relationship, to be honest i wasn’t hopeful at all, a lot of friends and colleagues have never seen us going past 3months, even though we made it past that. As we were talking and giggling with him assuring me he wasn’t going to leave me and telling me how much he now loves and respects me, his mum walked in.

She is tall, dark and fat, i had to look up at her, knelt down and greeted her, she was busy talking on the phone and didn’t respond, i didn’t take any offence but after like 10-15mins of her wandering about the house i thought to myself, she should have noticed me by now, but guess she didn’t. Josh was no longer by my side, she had told him to get something, then i greeted her again. Her words were ” i thought you were dumb” i responded with down spirit that i greeted her but she was on the phone. She smiled and asked of my name, just then Josh came in and told her i was Kemi. I looked up from where i knelt and he gave the “shut up i’ll explain sign”. I smiled back at her and she started speaking yoruba, of course i understand yoruba but i became dumb as she earlier assumed. The next question was; which church do you attend?

:O i didn’t know what to say because obviously she concluded i was Christian.

Monday is just around the corner please stay tuned 😀

AISHA n JOSH ~ Episode 2

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episode 1

Soon as we started out, my exams was fast approaching, so was his. we made ourselves time table and read together, unlike every other duo, we were never distracted. In fact we dealt with every aspect of our lives like business partners, what helped us more was the fact that we were both very ambitious and competitive, we watched over each other’s shoulder and criticised our flaws, encouraged ourselves and believed in each other. This drive didn’t stop at books or work alone, our sex life was undeniably excellent, on bed, we were very competitive, always wanted the best of the moment, we loved sex, sometimes we had to measure who liked it most or less, most times he won but still as always he’ll encourage me to get better, i thought him so many things like cooking and shopping, he spoilt me silly and so did i.

I can’t believe i will admit this, but sex with Joshua was and is still the best of my life, he is very romantic, subtle and fierce. Josh, knows where every detail is, he knows what you want even before you want it, he’s capable of meeting all your sexual needs, from candle lights to chocolate droplets to ice cream sprays and all sort of things that adds flavour to your sex life, we were maniacs, did it everywhere and anywhere. I remember we once went to the state stadium and laid in the middle of the field just to get laid.. We were almost caught but that’s the fun of it.

We made every one jealous of our L♥√ع and showed it at every junction, did we fight? Yes! We fought almost every time like we had a referee and a score board, i was the rude, silly girl who believed she should have a say with her man. He was always calm with me and helped me with being a better person. We were ONE, we marked places were we had sex as an achievement just like we marked projects executed and successful 😀 the both of us were just having fun, i never asked questions about him having another girl, neither did he ask me but i was true to him and he was to me (at least i never heard or saw anything)

Differences like religion, believe, faith, home town, time of effectiveness, his L♥√ع for food and putting others before him started affecting us. He would work weekends after a long week in school studying and writing exams, i was beginning to get lonely and nagged all the time. Well, i missed him. He also had issues with me meeting up with business frontiers and Government parastatals for jobs and projects runs, he never actually trusted me, of course because i used him to dump my ex- i never trusted him either but this was never an issue because we both never thought of US in the future, but as time went we started getting serious, we had reasons to discuss OUR future and it always leaves us depressed, as i was still very young and would not quit my religion for any reason, even if he didn’t mind but a big barrier was with his evangelist parents, they even own a very popular church. They would crucify him (literary).

Joshua and I had resulted from careful sex to carefree sex( that you have with no protection) both of us are educated but ignorant. This was the only common thing we shared after 3months but like they say; Friend‘s with benefits never end well. I started to fall in love with Josh, i was clingy and always nagging. Became jealous and wanted to know his every move, he started trying to avoid me but i held on to him. He warned me of my recent moves but i reassured him i was in control.

Just before i go on, let me give a brief history:

See you next monday

who i am…

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Who i am..

Life is full of these twists and turns.

Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day. I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can. I am not looking for an answer. There is no answer. Life is about what we feel. We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria. We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.

There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow. We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after. I see bits and pieces of this picture. I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated. I cannot equate love with settling down. I equate love to this amazing sense of desire. I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is. I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t. This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle for the wrong reason. I do not want the house with the white picket fence. I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person. In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry.

I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other. I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling. When I think about love I feel it in every part of me. I am alone right now because of this vision I have. I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable. I don’t want to give up this vision though. One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it. I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away. Is it? Love for everyone is so very different. I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.

I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind. There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple. I don’t know why I am like this. On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this. My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths. I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok. When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?

With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken. I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense. I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense. I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from. I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly). I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from. I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others. I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning.

I cannot lie, I want this feeling back. I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose). I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another. I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves. I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more. I can be by myself. I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back. Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared. In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone. Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head. Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive. I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out. With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery.

I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks. Being asked who you are is such an abstract question. I will not answer by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature. Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition. I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question. It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me. I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me. I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me. I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out. I am a wanderer and an artist. I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms. I am an embracer of words. My physical self is not who I am. My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter. I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable. I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless. I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense.

I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry. I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day. I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place. This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me. I do not want to hide. I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.

so…. WHO ARE YOU? ( you can email me)

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