i dont feel beautiful :(

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I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.

I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?

I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.

The last few weeks or so has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight especially in my cheeks and stomach area because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.

I don’t feel beautiful (well i feel ugly, but i won’t be pessimistic).

I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful even though people say i am.

I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? Of recent? No.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My friends,clients and colleagues like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am with an awesome person who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it i know i have an attractive body but the feeling of beauty, i just don’t have..

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is multicoloured skin . Just flaws. The flaws that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.

I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But we have to take care of ourselves, use your lotion, drugs, eat Good food,drink a lot of water, exercise well and apply all the necessary makeups. In the last few months have been working so hard and earning as deserved but i can count how many new good things i have in my closet, i was forced to shop last week but i was too busy to do it, i don’t even take good care of my hair anymore, how will i? When i don’t even have a body cream. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m careless about it, so its leaving me for someone else 3-|

So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was black or ugly (i L♥√ع dark skinned girls, but i L♥√ع my old brown sugar self) but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.

So i took a test….

what’s your opinion 😀

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letter to the future

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if you could write a letter to your future self what would you say?

Well I guess this is the opportunity to write that letter.

Dear Future Self,

There are so many things I could talk about in this letter. It is currently April 2012. According to the Mayan Calendar, this is the year the world is going to end. How many times have we heard that??? Anyhow, you are at a place in your life in which you are learning so very much. You have changed so drastically as a person and it has been an adjustment. I will not say it has been a hard adjustment, just a different adjustment. It took you until about 3-4 months ago to realize how unhappy in life you had been. A man came in and out of your life and this person turned everything upside down. He didn’t turn everything upside down in a bad way. He just opened your eyes to who you truly were. He has no idea of the impact he had. Although you and him did not work out, you realised so much about yourself. You realised that you were not letting go of the poor self-esteem and self-doubt. You allowed others to control your actions because you felt that what they thought was good/right was more important than the way you viewed yourself. It has been difficult to work on getting rid of the anxiety and worry. It has been hard to find the middle ground between being extremely self-conscious to being confident almost to the point of arrogant. When someone is a certain way for so long, it can be a real challenge to change and take on a whole new perspective-to be a different person that you believe would be better.

You have finally learned that happiness is a journey and not a destination. Make sure to stop and take a breath. Your mind works at such an insane pace and you have always been one to plan everything out and wanting to get everything done right away. Don’t let your mind get the best of you because your mind is just a small part of who you are. Remind yourself of The ACCIDENT it was just 3 weeks ago. You took time to write about it and free yourselve of a lot. You met a guy and was able to say No and not date out of pity. These are 2things that gave you a sense of clarity and peace. Now you obviously know what you want.

To my future self I will also say that I know life is going to have a lot of ups and downs but I beg of you to not blame yourself for moments that may not always be the best. During this time (and in the past) you have tortured yourself by believing that you were not good enough and there was something wrong with you. STOP!!!! A man does not and will not define you EVER!!! You may read this and be married to the love of your life and that is absolutely wonderful but remember to not lose your identity. You have seen that happen with so many people you know. Don’t forget about what you truly believe in. Please don’t let someone mold you because in a moment you were lonely. You have always been a unique soul that was always searching for something new. If you are not taking part in things you love in your life and are not seeking new information and knowledge and learning from others and trying new things than you are not being YOU! You have settled enough in your past life, please do not settle anymore. Stop the worrying, take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and hold onto your moments of peace, love and happiness.

Another thing I ask of you is to love as hard as you can. Love those around you that are important to you. Take the time for these people in your life because in a moment they may be gone. You will continue to meet people throughout your whole life but there will be only a select few that will really make an impact. I hope you still have some of these people in your life. If you do, take the time now to talk to them or get together with them and let them know how much they mean to you. I have come to realize that we tend to get so caught up in our busy lives that we sometimes forget to tell people thank you for being a part of our lives. You may read this a month from now, a year from now, or even 15 years from now. I do not know at any of those times whether or not your mum and sisters will be alive anymore. I hope so because I know how much they mean to you. Either way, hold onto all of the memories you had of them growing up. Always remember how blessed you are to have them. Although you didn’t always agree on everything and you may have had different traits, these are the people in the world that made you and loved you unconditionally every single day of your life. Share the love that they gave you with others. And if by chance when you read this, anyone has passed away, allow yourself to experience sadness and pain but don’t let it take over your life. Remember, even though you may not have always believed it, you are way stronger than you know! Your family have always been your heroes. Ask yourself, “Would they want me to be miserable and depressed in life or would they want me to be living life?” The answer is simple and you know that. Although their bodies may not be here does not mean that their soul isn’t. Love with everything you have because that is who you are. You know who you are. You always have. You have just been scared to let this person out.

I leave you here in hopes that you are in a happy place in your life. I hope you are able to read this letter and reflect on your life and smile. Remember that you went through challenging times but it is those challenging times that have made you the beautiful person you are. You have so many things that others do not. You have a gift. I hope you are still writing, designing and reading quite a bit. I know you will be happy that you did. The world is your classroom…make sure to continue learning as much as you can every single day. To my future self I send an abundance of love and peace.

Love,

Present self. 😀