who i am…

3 Comments


Who i am..

Life is full of these twists and turns.

Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day. I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can. I am not looking for an answer. There is no answer. Life is about what we feel. We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria. We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.

There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow. We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after. I see bits and pieces of this picture. I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated. I cannot equate love with settling down. I equate love to this amazing sense of desire. I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is. I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t. This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle for the wrong reason. I do not want the house with the white picket fence. I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person. In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry.

I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other. I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling. When I think about love I feel it in every part of me. I am alone right now because of this vision I have. I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable. I don’t want to give up this vision though. One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it. I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away. Is it? Love for everyone is so very different. I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.

I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind. There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple. I don’t know why I am like this. On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this. My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths. I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok. When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?

With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken. I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense. I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense. I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from. I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly). I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from. I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others. I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning.

I cannot lie, I want this feeling back. I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose). I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another. I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves. I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more. I can be by myself. I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back. Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared. In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone. Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head. Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive. I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out. With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery.

I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks. Being asked who you are is such an abstract question. I will not answer by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature. Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition. I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question. It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me. I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me. I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me. I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out. I am a wanderer and an artist. I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms. I am an embracer of words. My physical self is not who I am. My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter. I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable. I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless. I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense.

I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry. I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day. I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place. This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me. I do not want to hide. I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.

so…. WHO ARE YOU? ( you can email me)

Advertisements

THE WAKE UP CALL

8 Comments


Good morning, at least there is something good about this morning, even though it might not be the same in another region but whichever situation we are, we should be grateful.

Let’s re-wind to about 40hours ago….

I was getting set with my friends and a cousin of them who just got in from the UK few days back, the aim was to show her the fun side of Nigeria, we were all looking fly and sexy. The gals in colorful dresses and the guy looking cool, ready to go storm the beach and have maximum fun. We were about leaving when i decided to update my status as usual, ..beach things.. Only for me to see about two updates saying there was a plane crash; to be sincere i wasn’t moved but then i decided to check twitter and that was all over my TL, I quickly asked a couple of people i know would have facts and they confirmed. I told the people around me in the house and they were so engrossed in the on-going match and no one paid attention.

We proceeded anyway, i couldn’t explain what was going through my mind. I was confused, sad, angered, disappointed, everything else but not excited. On the 3rd of June, 2012 a DANA AIR plane crashed into the streets of Iju-Ishaja at about 2pm with 153passagengers and 9crew members on board all these numbers are nothing compared to the numbers of lives and property lost in the past months due to terrorist attacks or accidents which all falls back to the Government as people already started blaming on twitter and every other social network.

At 4:50pm when i left the house, no local Television station was showing it, no media house was talking, no ambulance, no government parastatals at the scene, no help, nothing! And we hear rage and rants everywhere. I got to Elegushi beach and i kept wondering what if that plane crashed over my house, what if my friends are on that plane, what if what if, but my questions were never why.

I have grown to never question God for his actions, because he his merciful and all knowing, he will warn us and pet us. I am no better than the crashed, neither are you. But my anger is, why would this happen in this country, i am not wishing another country bad, my anger is why would a 29years old plane be allowed to fly? Why would there be houses and industries just around an airport, i might have not flown to many countries but research shows that many other countries have their airports very far away from town. Let’s agree the passengers boarded their coffin but are the ground men too living on coffins, am i walking on a ground coffin? Should i not sleep in peace because i live near the airport? Should i not transact businesses because my government is incapable? Should i live everyday as my last because by government is incompetent or because i fear God?

It has come to my notice on several occasions that life goes on after we are gone, no matter your status or figure, not minding what you have or have done, do people even have heart anymore, have we lived in a dark country with our black skin so much our souls are becoming dark, do we not cry anymore, no we not THINK anymore? Do we forget that DEATH is eminent and do we forget that there is an ETERNAL LIFE after DEATH where will would all answer to our DEEDS, this is not a matter of religion but a matter of compassion. Have you thought that your so-called cherish family could perish in a day or that one step you take today could be your last.

Let’s forget DEATH for a moment, since that’s certain, are we not ashamed anymore, have we not courtesy or fear, i was telling someone i felt bad because i had a dream δ day before about a plane crash but though i was hallucinating due to the Allied air that crashed in Ghana, this was the only reason my friend didn’t travel to Lagos that day(at least so he said) but whichever way, why would someone laugh at such things, i am not saying weep or feel sorry for me but do you ever remorse, another friend sent a funny broadcast as to

“U travel by road, A tanker will catch fire..by air, plane crashes..u sit in ur house,the plane will come and meet u, u go to church boko haram will attack u,u go by sea,militants will attack,u finally run to ur village,u r kidnapped..! No safe place in naija. Cotonue I see u=))”   just in-between the whole crisis as much has i tried to see sense in it, i couldn’t because of the last line and the sarcastic laugh symbol.

This is sad, we keep saying we are the leaders of tomorrow and we are not acting like one, you a graduate and cannot think of a good life for yourself, if your life ends, what the use of all the life you wasted? he that is DEAD is BETTER than he that is BORN. But BETTER than BOTH of them is he that NEVER EXISTED. We keep saying life is unfair but the fact that every human has to share the grace and pains of life is what defines the fairness of life.

What did the people at the scene do aside taking pictures, well at least they tried, but what about the fools that went there only to take pictures with the debris as background, what of those that took there time to compose unnecessary funny message just 24hours after the crash saying we need a little laugh. My dear brothers and sisters, what little laugh do we need?, when we do not have the basic amenities to a good life, when bombs from BOKO HARAM has become the norms to a particular elite, of what difference do the plane crash victims have to the past Bomb blast victims or is it that death now has class? If the FG had to declare 3days mourning after every incident/accident, won’t we be mourning every week? THINK! Its time to think, we shouldn’t be all about profits and fame keyword being ALL ABOUT we live life to survive and on this universe, its the survival of the fittest, nobody chose that.

Its a shame that what our fore fathers have worked for is beginning to collapse right before our eyes but what are we youths doing ? As we pray for our fore-fathers will our generation pray for us, we all updated our status and say #pray4Nigeria, how many of you actually did? . We all blame Jonathan and the likes, i am not sorry to say this is how they started, as bad sons and daughters, greedy friends and colleagues,incompetent class reps and SUGs, and the likes of us who know the right thing to do but hide in our abode, who keep quiet when we see bad planes and cars, who send worthless BCs but never take actions, who entered DANA Air to Uyo, Abuja, Lagos, Port Harcourt and saw or noticed something was wrong but didn’t deem it fit to send that broadcast then, you should THINK!

Ogundamisi said, he once sat in a plane with holes but never talked and prayed to grace and mercies of God just for safe landing, well he landed safe and i hope that plane never crash till they all banned. This is not a post to proffer solutions but to tell you that, weather you like it or not, this incidents are wake up calls; if not how come different people from at least every arms of the government ranging from, NUC, CBN, Ministries, Army, Military, NNPC, political parties and several business holders, people with different religions and faith, infants, married, just married, engaged, Ini the only child of her Old parent, Ibrahim the only hope of his father, the Chinese, Raju whose first trip to Nigeria brought his families and company sorrow. Please, let’s stop saying, let’s start acting! Nigerians are virus, so what we say or do spread fast, if you know or sense anything, just say. No government is ready to take care of us, its high time we joined hands together and save ourselves.

let it linger in the mind of those contractors, engineers, aviation managers, NCAA, MINISTRY OF AVIATION, DANA officials and ,many others involved that they have made a nation weep and they have dropped several heroes and hopes, let them know we might not know them by face but they will not rest or no peace for as long as the memory of June 3rd 2012 remains.

May God rest the dead, punish the cause, pray for Nigeria, and console their Families. AMEN!!

Gracias.

you can also like this post, share and drop your comments