Chemistry 101

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I have found there to be two main criteria that must be met before considering someone a dating prospect: the first is chemistry and the second is compatibility. Different people have different ideas about the concept of “chemistry.” Personally, I’m not sure that I know how to describe it, but I am positive that if it’s there, I know it. I must digress at this point to note that interestingly, my definition of chemistry is disturbingly similar to Justice Stewart’s definition of hard-core pornography: “… I know it when I see it.” I suppose some things are better left undefined, as forcing overly-clinical terminology onto such concepts often has the ability to destroy their salacious appeal (see: Clinton Impeachment Trial).

In any case, it seems that the concept of chemistry may have different implications for men as compared to women. As Bravo’s the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, so crassly puts it: for men, “if the penis gets off of the couch,” there is chemistry. Conversely, I have found that chemistry and physical attractiveness are not perfectly correlated; finding someone physically appealing is no guarantee that there will be a spark. Several of my readers have expressed such a phenomenon which they describe as the guy who is “perfect on paper,” but with whom they inexplicably lack chemistry. Although the causes of chemistry may be more ambiguous for females, the response is not delayed as a result. Studies have shown that it can be determined definitively within the first five minutes of meeting someone whether there is chemistry. It may be a sad reality, but I have found that if there is no chemistry within the first five minutes, that will not change after another one, two, or three dates: it’s either there or it’s not.

Evaluating compatibility on the other hand, is a much more time consuming process. Depending on the openness of the two individuals, it can take anywhere from days to weeks to determine whether you are minimally compatible with another person. And ironically it is only once you reach that level of comfort with one another that people are prone to unleashing their “secret selves.” “I’m so glad that I have finally found someone that I feel so comfortable around…I feel like I can be completely honest with you. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all about my sex life…

Thus, in order to maximize efficiency and minimize crazy, chemistry should be the first criteria examined when considering a dating prospect. This is easily achieved in real-life situations since you would only approach someone with whom you felt there was strong potential for chemistry. Additionally, approaching them and chatting awkwardly in the produce section of the grocery store gives you the brief amount of time that you need to determine whether there is sufficient chemistry to warrant going on a date.

Meeting people the old-fashioned way provides you with a sort of “chemistry filter” that allows it to have an edge over the presumed efficiency of online dating. You see, given that chemistry is a requirement for a potential relationship, in order to maximize efficiency one would have to spend time pursuing only those matches with whom they have chemistry. However, online dating has no such filter as it is impossible to feel chemistry through a computer screen.  You can talk for days; having deep and meaningful conversation, you can even Skype; giggling when the screen freezes on a particularly unflattering facial expression. However, until you actually meet that person, it is impossible to know conclusively whether you will get those infamous butterflies. Unfortunately, this back-and-forth online messaging which can last anywhere from days to weeks, is largely unavoidable as it seems to have established itself as a required social convention prior to setting up a date. People feel like they have to “get to know you” before they meet you. Sadly though, “getting to know” someone that you may or may not have chemistry with is a grossly inefficient use of time. Days can be spent mindlessly chatting to a potential match about their family history, college major, career prospects, hobbies, and at his bequest, reviewing his 800+ pictures on Facebook; however it only takes a matter of minutes to determine whether there is chemistry (the first hurdle). It seems then that the only logical thing to do would be to first make the chemistry determination, prior to investing a gross amount of time getting to know this person. Thus, dating the old-fashioned way would seem to be the logical alternative.

Of course one could argue that while that may be true, statistically your odds are still better online since there is a much larger pool of available people. I generally find this argument to be without merit. It may be true that you are frequently bombarded by fifty or more messages to your online dating account, and you may not be approached by so many people in real life.

i once met Mr cupid, some months ago and we were virtual for over 6 months, we talked everyday and exchanged texts, it even felt like the old days of free night calls, we talked practically about everything and we shared views, i even met his family and it was time for him to come home, we planned to see and i was all giggling and excited, on seeing him i just wasn’t feeling a thing, i couldn’t even completely hug him, we sat up all night talking and in my mind, i prayed for morning. morning came and that was it, i didn’t even call or want to talk to him. the chemistry wasn’t just there and i pitied all the time wasted and how he must have felt, we tried two more dates and i just had to call it off. i still am attracted to him virtually but i don’t think i can be physically.

So I’m truly sorry OK Cupid…really, it’s not me, it’s you.

 

365days gone by…

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I woke up with a very sad feeling, my whole body felt weak. Then i heard a knock on the door: Aunty, we have your class now. Jeez, could d day get worse? Well, i got up gradually and went into d bathroom to have ma bath.. I kept thinking, i was perfectly okay last night, what could be the problem? I got dressed and went into d school compound. Without any make up, i didn’t even apply lip gloss. Ignoring everyone i met on the way, I got to d class, d students stood in greeting: good morning aunty. I mumbled some greeting in reply and went on to the business of d day, now that is so unlike me, i used ta really joke with these lovely kids.
After about thirty slow minutes, I ended the class and left for my room. Leaving the students with an unanswered furtive glances and i knew their unspoken words were: ‘what is wrong with Aunty’?. Well, Aunty herself doesn’t know what is wrong with her. On getting to ma room, I sat on d carpeted floor and thought; i should eat now before the ulceration in my stomach come calling’. But NO!, nothing appealed to me, i just didn’t have appetite. The headache had subsided but i was still feeling very weak. The next best thing was just to sleep.
I slept, for about an hour, then woke up. Still nothing to do. And i wasn’t jes in d mood to chat with anybody on my blackberry messenger or any social application. ( They always have same things to say, nothing new). Ok, i kept staring into space and before i knew it, tears were flowing freely from ma eyes. Ok babe, i called myself back, take it easy on yourself. What the hell is wrong with you?. Then i picked up ma phone thinking maybe if i listened to music, i would feel better and understand myself. Yea, music does that to me, eases my soul. The first song on ma play list was Rihanna’s Photographs. Oh well, dat did it. The tears started coming in torrents, I was practically weeping. Oh foolish me, so this was it? That had been the problem all along? My whole day had been terrible because it was a year? Because the day marked one year! One year since he left, one year since the relationship ended? Damn! To worsen the situation, d song ended and Lemar’s “time to grow came in”.. Oh, it seems my play list had decided to conspire against me.
The hours dragged by and i felt babe, you got to stop this, stand now, take a walk or something, u cant go on like dis. As i stood to do dat, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and i was horrified. Damn, could that be me? Dat babe with the swollen eyes, fluid filled nose, and sad appearance. No, i refused to accept dat… *sigh*. I know by now, you all might be bored, well, i am too. Not just bored, i’m tired, angry, frustrated, mad, sad, every other not so good adjective u could think of. I mean, why the hell am i not over him? You know, this life is so contradictory, thinking of d fact that it was me that actually walked. Why should i be feeling terrible? Why should i still feel attracted to a guy who practically used me? A guy who has deceit and lies as the governing factors of his world? A guy who probably is busy having a nice time with another girl as we speak, oblivious to d thought of any girl crying her heart out over him.
Normally, i was d girl who used to tell her friends: ‘you must be crazy for crying over a guy, i wouldn’t do that’., no guy can hurt me or get at me that much’.. Lmao, well can any guy hurt me?.. I laugh at myself” i feel nothing but self pity, within this one year, many guys have tried, better guys.. But none of them appeals to me, i keep having negative thoughts. Why should i let just one guy ruin me emotionally like dis? Why must he be given the satisfaction of knowing he has himself another ‘conquest’. Why must i go on like dis? This is getting at me so much. Everyday, i keep having dreams of what could have been, what should have been. Friends have tried, family i still trying, even strangers have made attempts. But still, dis emptiness doesn’t leave. I love him, i love him so much. yeah, i know i’m crazy.. But i want to stop this madness, i know we can never be, we’re way over. So why cant i just gather my pathetic self and move on? Why cant I? I wanna love again, this time, someone else, someone that can return ma love. Someone that’s worth me someone more deserving, buh how do i do dis when my fantasies revolve round this particular guy? This is sad, i’m sad, my friends have given up on me. They all think; she’s crazy!, crazy!! , crazy!!!. Considering the fact that i have always been this good, simple, free and prayerful girl, why should this be happening to me? Why should this be happening to me? I won’t stop praying though, at least that’s my only reliable companion for now, oh what a life. I think i wanna cry :b

WriTten by: Anonymous

How do you define beautiful?

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How do you define beautiful?

This is a big question. This is a question someone asked me after my last two posts, I chose this question today because I have been reading and contemplating different things (yes I know that is a big surprise) and I keep coming back to thinking about women and their obsession with their bodies and their outer appearance. I am one of these women. I get so hooked on worrying about what I look like and ache to have all of my imperfections fixed. One day I can feel totally confident and comfortable with myself and the next I don’t want to even look in the mirror. Those days I feel like it is unfair that I have to look the way that I do. I feel like it is unfair that I don’t have a perfectly fit body or perfect teeth or perfect skin. Yes, those days can feel really rough and will drain me so badly. Luckily those days are coming much fewer and far between because I am not grasping life in a different way. That is me though. I know so many women that still suffer with this self-loathing every second of every single day. It is a mental illness because we have wired our brains to think we are not good enough or that we have to be a certain size or shape with a particular hair color and flawless skin in order to be considered beautiful. This is so wrong. Beauty does not have a thing to do with the outer appearance. Yes, some people have been blessed with flawless skin or very shapely beautiful bodies but those things do not at all define who they are. They are assets that will change and age over time. This is not an insult….this is just the cycle we call life. We all age and we all grow old.

So, then what is beautiful? How can one define this word? I do not understand how the dictionary even has a definition because in my opinion beauty is something different to everyone. There are so many words that have these set definitions in this book that has guided us all of our lives. Such words as: truth, perfection, right, wrong and love. To me they can only be defined individually, not as a whole for everyone to believe is right and there is no bending.
Beautiful is a person being completely true to self.

Beautiful is having the ability to carry love in your heart at all times even when everything seems to be going wrong.

Beautiful is opening up your mind and learning as much in this world as possible. Beautiful is always striving to be better.

Beautiful is inspiring others.

Beautiful is being scared to death but being courageous all at the same time.

Beautiful is admitting your flaw and faults but not allowing them define you.

Beautiful is you being the only person to define you, no one else.

Beautiful is having strong convictions and beliefs but still being open to other’s points of view.

Beautiful is acting with kindness and compassion.

Beautiful is putting other’s before yourself.

Beautiful is accepting yourself. You may not be thin or the most successful person in school or where you work but you are still one of a kind. Knowing and believing that is beautiful.

Beauty is everywhere in this world, around every corner and behind every door. We sometimes just have to take off our judgmental glasses to see it. What does not fit our mold may be perfect for someone else.

Sometimes when I write these blog entries I feel like I complete cheese out. I feel like people are going to think I am this all-knowing perfect angel that does nothing wrong and harps all of this stuff about positive thinking and inspiration. Well, I guess I am one of those people. No, I am far from a perfect angel but I have an immense amount of goodness in my heart. I need to follow my own advice and stop letting my thoughts about what other’s are thinking take me over. I have to say to myself, “You are being positive and trying to motivate others. If other’s find that bad that is there choice. You are doing a great thing. You know it helps you and you can help others even if it is in just a small way.” I do want people to know they are beautiful. I think that is very important in life. As i didn’t especially in the last few weeks not embracing my beauty because I had the definition all wrong. I got all caught up in the media’s definition of beauty is and my thoughts on what I thought a man wants a woman to look like that I completely lost touch with what beauty truly is. I bring up these subjects in my blog because I know so many women (and I know men do too) criticize themselves inside and out. We hate our nose or our ears stick out or our thighs are too big or our boobs aren’t big enough (I would be speaking of others about the boob thing-I surely don’t have that problem-hahahaha). I write these things to remind myself. We live in this society where there is a really warped idea of what beautiful really is. Who do you surround yourself with? How do they define beauty? Do you agree? If not, it may be time to reevaluate your settings and who you surround yourself with. Take a second and reflect back on your childhood (probably up until about 3rd grade). What you looked like and what you wore did not matter. How much money you had was insignificant. Everyone was your friend (for the most part). All that mattered was having fun and enjoying life. Life should not be any different but unfortunately it is. BUT, you can always make a choice as to how you view things and how you want to react to them. There are a lot of in your face questions that can be asked here: Do you enjoy allowing other’s to define you? Do you believe that being beautiful means being tall and thin? Have you ever met someone with great physical attributes but a really ugly personality? Is this person still beautiful to you? How many times have you actually met someone like that? I have met several people like that. They try to get through life on their looks, and some of them may for awhile but looks fade. I have met men before that have been extremely handsome (at least they appealed to my eye) and as soon as they spoke they immediately lost all beauty and wonder. Their arrogance and ignorance became a major turnoff. They were unable to see anything outside of themselves and in my opinion that is probably one of the most UN-Beautiful qualities a person could have.

So readers tell me this…have you experienced beauty today? Where and in what? I want to know what you see. :0)

African love…

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How to love an African Woman?

African women are just amazing, you wanna find a good one? it up to the place where you are looking for them? Many African women are very religious. So what would be the best place to find them except the house of God? does not mean they are perfect (Religious vs Believers), some a genuine (Believers) and will play honest with you, and can become a perfect “married material” however, do not always expect to find a “Saint” in a Disco, some may be there on a random note, some are the kind of women who will rip off your last nerve. Most will always want to go out for party, so if you can’t end it… do not even try to start dating in a bar.

But one things you should be sure of is to learn to impress her – Once you’ve spotted an African woman, next up is to flatter her with your charm (From West Africa to East Africa things can be VERY different and you may be require to do it in a very indirect manner). Give her the sense of security so that she could feel protected in your arms. So on first date shower her with compliments, gifts, words of appreciation (Most African women are addicted to gift).
Love her but don’t be pushy – applicable for any woman, do not impose yourself on them (in some location in Africa it is the other way round :P).Be honest with them and show genuine care. If they like to take their own time then let them. (Most are careless when it comes to time management, so do not expect them to be on time at any appointment) Show your sensitive and romantic side to them but if you are the desperate type then hold it mister because African women like man who show a sense of control and who can always show that they are the MAN. Avoid pestering them with questions and answer round. Give them space and enjoy the time with African women.

Listen to her – You may make other woman quiet but African women have opinion of their own. So if you are dating them, get used to hearing them out. Show them that their opinions and thoughts matter to you because most African women have switch from the tradition African woman who has to shut her mouth to a woman who want her thought to be taken into consideration, however the always remembers how influential the man thoughts are in their relationship.
Show her respect – The cardinal rule of dating any woman is to first show respect and value her in any ways anywhere. If you are out with a bunch of African women then do what they like best and treat your African beauty with love and respect.
Get to know their culture – African women love their culture and holds respect for it. So when you are out to date them, the best way to win an African woman’s heart is by taking interest in their culture and asking questions about their city and what they like most about their culture
For these Ladies, No does not mean Yes as many people thinks, No mean No or mean Not yet ready. But the right meaning on the no can only be find in her eyes.

How to love an African Man

The African man is a gentle creature yet so powerful and mysterious. Dating African men can prove to be an experience of a life time. The truth is, figuring out how to date an African man is never easy.
They are very aware of what the needs of a woman are. Most African men would refuse to let the lady pick up the tab (Well, maybe only on the first date).
However Most African man seems to be great partners than lovers, but this mostly varies from West Africa to East African (because from my Experience, West Africans are great lovers and East African are great Partners). There’s is a romantic bone and you will surely not be disappointed. When an African man loves, he loves for real! but this love is sometime hard to clearly see, because most African are” afraid” of showing how in love they are, maybe because they always want to prove their “manhood”, So never feel offended if they do not say “I love you” that often, they will always prove it through tangible actions.
Some important things to know when dating an African man:
• Women needs to Know clearly what are their role in the relationship. Ladies are not the head and always should give the man an opportunity to be the man. African men will go for people who are humble and gentle in all senses. There is something about a down to earth partner that excites them. When Ladies are down to earth, it does not mean that they will be oppressed. To the contrary, the man will seek to protect them and build them up.
• Most African men want a woman who understands her history (How can you build the future by ignoring the past), and is somewhat familiar with her culture. To them, this serves as proof of a woman who can be introduced to the parents :P, and who will manage home affairs very well.
• What may appear to you as him being overprotective is just him trying to tell you to pay more attention to him than you do to his friends hehe. Some African men dislike extremely nice or flirtatious girl who does not know when to say “NO.”
• As a woman, you must have the element of hard work. This is a value that will help you create a good image for your African man.
• You must be sincere and honest.
• The modern African man is still looking for girls who are both modern and at the same time can cook great traditional meals. Yes, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach lol.To them cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby and other household duties are beneath them and deemed “woman’s work”, but it does not mean that they will always expect you to do that, it is most of the time to show the women that she is the one who “owns” the house and he will never take decision that concern “internal affair” (the house) without taking seriously into consideration your views. Men can at any point in time become the one taking care of the house when the women is not physically able to. In contrast, they are very loving and doting fathers-just don’t expect him to change a diaper anytime soon.
• Remember, the most influential person in the African Man life is his “MOTHER”, win his mother and you partially win his heart.
By magnus