365days gone by…

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I woke up with a very sad feeling, my whole body felt weak. Then i heard a knock on the door: Aunty, we have your class now. Jeez, could d day get worse? Well, i got up gradually and went into d bathroom to have ma bath.. I kept thinking, i was perfectly okay last night, what could be the problem? I got dressed and went into d school compound. Without any make up, i didn’t even apply lip gloss. Ignoring everyone i met on the way, I got to d class, d students stood in greeting: good morning aunty. I mumbled some greeting in reply and went on to the business of d day, now that is so unlike me, i used ta really joke with these lovely kids.
After about thirty slow minutes, I ended the class and left for my room. Leaving the students with an unanswered furtive glances and i knew their unspoken words were: ‘what is wrong with Aunty’?. Well, Aunty herself doesn’t know what is wrong with her. On getting to ma room, I sat on d carpeted floor and thought; i should eat now before the ulceration in my stomach come calling’. But NO!, nothing appealed to me, i just didn’t have appetite. The headache had subsided but i was still feeling very weak. The next best thing was just to sleep.
I slept, for about an hour, then woke up. Still nothing to do. And i wasn’t jes in d mood to chat with anybody on my blackberry messenger or any social application. ( They always have same things to say, nothing new). Ok, i kept staring into space and before i knew it, tears were flowing freely from ma eyes. Ok babe, i called myself back, take it easy on yourself. What the hell is wrong with you?. Then i picked up ma phone thinking maybe if i listened to music, i would feel better and understand myself. Yea, music does that to me, eases my soul. The first song on ma play list was Rihanna’s Photographs. Oh well, dat did it. The tears started coming in torrents, I was practically weeping. Oh foolish me, so this was it? That had been the problem all along? My whole day had been terrible because it was a year? Because the day marked one year! One year since he left, one year since the relationship ended? Damn! To worsen the situation, d song ended and Lemar’s “time to grow came in”.. Oh, it seems my play list had decided to conspire against me.
The hours dragged by and i felt babe, you got to stop this, stand now, take a walk or something, u cant go on like dis. As i stood to do dat, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and i was horrified. Damn, could that be me? Dat babe with the swollen eyes, fluid filled nose, and sad appearance. No, i refused to accept dat… *sigh*. I know by now, you all might be bored, well, i am too. Not just bored, i’m tired, angry, frustrated, mad, sad, every other not so good adjective u could think of. I mean, why the hell am i not over him? You know, this life is so contradictory, thinking of d fact that it was me that actually walked. Why should i be feeling terrible? Why should i still feel attracted to a guy who practically used me? A guy who has deceit and lies as the governing factors of his world? A guy who probably is busy having a nice time with another girl as we speak, oblivious to d thought of any girl crying her heart out over him.
Normally, i was d girl who used to tell her friends: ‘you must be crazy for crying over a guy, i wouldn’t do that’., no guy can hurt me or get at me that much’.. Lmao, well can any guy hurt me?.. I laugh at myself” i feel nothing but self pity, within this one year, many guys have tried, better guys.. But none of them appeals to me, i keep having negative thoughts. Why should i let just one guy ruin me emotionally like dis? Why must he be given the satisfaction of knowing he has himself another ‘conquest’. Why must i go on like dis? This is getting at me so much. Everyday, i keep having dreams of what could have been, what should have been. Friends have tried, family i still trying, even strangers have made attempts. But still, dis emptiness doesn’t leave. I love him, i love him so much. yeah, i know i’m crazy.. But i want to stop this madness, i know we can never be, we’re way over. So why cant i just gather my pathetic self and move on? Why cant I? I wanna love again, this time, someone else, someone that can return ma love. Someone that’s worth me someone more deserving, buh how do i do dis when my fantasies revolve round this particular guy? This is sad, i’m sad, my friends have given up on me. They all think; she’s crazy!, crazy!! , crazy!!!. Considering the fact that i have always been this good, simple, free and prayerful girl, why should this be happening to me? Why should this be happening to me? I won’t stop praying though, at least that’s my only reliable companion for now, oh what a life. I think i wanna cry :b

WriTten by: Anonymous

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Why are you single?

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Why am i single?

Oh how I love this question…NOT REALLY! I figured I would address this question because it has been asked of me more times than I can count. No, I am not tooting my own horn by saying that. I am a 21 year old fairly attractive lady so people feel the need to ask. The other day, my bestie and i almost got into a fight when he tried to force me into a date with his cute friend and he reminded me a single lady of 29 with no kids and said, is she my role model? Apparently if you haven’t taken the plunge of marriage and children by a specific age then you are looked upon as a diseased creature….I mean something MUST be wrong with you.

I am single because it is my choice to be single. Sure I would love a companion in my life but another person is never going to define me. Having a boyfriend/being in a relationship is not going to define me. Being married is not going to define me either. These things are not the end all be all of my existence. Maybe I am single because I am stubborn and hard-headed ;0). I spent many years of my life wallowing in my own self-pity. I was too thin. My teeth aren’t perfect. I am too proud. I am always right. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! I don’t know when the turning point was but I finally got a big slap in the face and realized that my woes were just superficial. If I was unable to see how amazing I am then how in the hell would anyone else see it. I would be an asset to anyone’s life. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. When I feel moments of self-doubt and self-pity I just turn on youtube videos about young girls being sold into sex slavery or women that have been disfigured by having acid thrown on their faces and I get over it pretty quickly.

I am single because I don’t want to settle. People can tell me that I am picky all day long and my answer to that is, “why shouldn’t I be?” If I want to potentially spend the rest of my life with someone (being married or not) shouldn’t I know for sure it is the right person. I want someone that challenges me not someone that agrees with every thought of mine and someone I absolutely love to talk to….someone that makes me feel 100% comfortable. The fact that i have a lot of male friends makes it pretty hard for the potential boyfriend to be,. I just don’t know how to be or how to act. I don’t want to be phony and I don’t think I am but when you start having a conversation with someone and their eyes gaze in another direction and they blantantly act uninterested then I make no more effort. I do not want to be the one on the dates that holds all of the conversations afloat. I think when it is right with someone the conversation just comes naturally and very easily. After years of dating it does not take long to figure out when you have met you UN-SOULMATE!

I could boast about myself and say that I am single because men are intimidated by my education or passion but I do not believe that to be the case. Yes, I believe I can be intimidating to some people but just the same…some people can intimidate the hell out of me. We are living in a time where dating and romance are drastically different than 40 years ago. I think when it comes down to it I am an old soul that wants the story book romance and if that doesn’t happen then I want to still love life every single day. I can experience different journeys all alone and love them or I can love them in the company of someone that I share my life with. Either way I am going to choose to love life. Love is something I cherish and I define it in a way that it should never be taken for granted to taken lightly.

I guess if anyone wants to know why I am single they can hunt up my exes and those that I have dated in the past and ask them all of the reasons I wasn’t “The One”. While helping a friend last weekend. Of course they were all cutting up with me and hitting on me (yep, they were all married) and one of them said, “You are a cute girl with a good head on your shoulders, why are you single?” My response was, “I don’t know but I feel sorry for all of the guys not dating me.”

But then another consolation for you all that think its bad, is that am still far from that single 29 years old… *wink* mine is working hard to sweep me off my feet.

WHY ARE YOU SINGLE/ IN A RELATIONSHIP?

letter to the future

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if you could write a letter to your future self what would you say?

Well I guess this is the opportunity to write that letter.

Dear Future Self,

There are so many things I could talk about in this letter. It is currently April 2012. According to the Mayan Calendar, this is the year the world is going to end. How many times have we heard that??? Anyhow, you are at a place in your life in which you are learning so very much. You have changed so drastically as a person and it has been an adjustment. I will not say it has been a hard adjustment, just a different adjustment. It took you until about 3-4 months ago to realize how unhappy in life you had been. A man came in and out of your life and this person turned everything upside down. He didn’t turn everything upside down in a bad way. He just opened your eyes to who you truly were. He has no idea of the impact he had. Although you and him did not work out, you realised so much about yourself. You realised that you were not letting go of the poor self-esteem and self-doubt. You allowed others to control your actions because you felt that what they thought was good/right was more important than the way you viewed yourself. It has been difficult to work on getting rid of the anxiety and worry. It has been hard to find the middle ground between being extremely self-conscious to being confident almost to the point of arrogant. When someone is a certain way for so long, it can be a real challenge to change and take on a whole new perspective-to be a different person that you believe would be better.

You have finally learned that happiness is a journey and not a destination. Make sure to stop and take a breath. Your mind works at such an insane pace and you have always been one to plan everything out and wanting to get everything done right away. Don’t let your mind get the best of you because your mind is just a small part of who you are. Remind yourself of The ACCIDENT it was just 3 weeks ago. You took time to write about it and free yourselve of a lot. You met a guy and was able to say No and not date out of pity. These are 2things that gave you a sense of clarity and peace. Now you obviously know what you want.

To my future self I will also say that I know life is going to have a lot of ups and downs but I beg of you to not blame yourself for moments that may not always be the best. During this time (and in the past) you have tortured yourself by believing that you were not good enough and there was something wrong with you. STOP!!!! A man does not and will not define you EVER!!! You may read this and be married to the love of your life and that is absolutely wonderful but remember to not lose your identity. You have seen that happen with so many people you know. Don’t forget about what you truly believe in. Please don’t let someone mold you because in a moment you were lonely. You have always been a unique soul that was always searching for something new. If you are not taking part in things you love in your life and are not seeking new information and knowledge and learning from others and trying new things than you are not being YOU! You have settled enough in your past life, please do not settle anymore. Stop the worrying, take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and hold onto your moments of peace, love and happiness.

Another thing I ask of you is to love as hard as you can. Love those around you that are important to you. Take the time for these people in your life because in a moment they may be gone. You will continue to meet people throughout your whole life but there will be only a select few that will really make an impact. I hope you still have some of these people in your life. If you do, take the time now to talk to them or get together with them and let them know how much they mean to you. I have come to realize that we tend to get so caught up in our busy lives that we sometimes forget to tell people thank you for being a part of our lives. You may read this a month from now, a year from now, or even 15 years from now. I do not know at any of those times whether or not your mum and sisters will be alive anymore. I hope so because I know how much they mean to you. Either way, hold onto all of the memories you had of them growing up. Always remember how blessed you are to have them. Although you didn’t always agree on everything and you may have had different traits, these are the people in the world that made you and loved you unconditionally every single day of your life. Share the love that they gave you with others. And if by chance when you read this, anyone has passed away, allow yourself to experience sadness and pain but don’t let it take over your life. Remember, even though you may not have always believed it, you are way stronger than you know! Your family have always been your heroes. Ask yourself, “Would they want me to be miserable and depressed in life or would they want me to be living life?” The answer is simple and you know that. Although their bodies may not be here does not mean that their soul isn’t. Love with everything you have because that is who you are. You know who you are. You always have. You have just been scared to let this person out.

I leave you here in hopes that you are in a happy place in your life. I hope you are able to read this letter and reflect on your life and smile. Remember that you went through challenging times but it is those challenging times that have made you the beautiful person you are. You have so many things that others do not. You have a gift. I hope you are still writing, designing and reading quite a bit. I know you will be happy that you did. The world is your classroom…make sure to continue learning as much as you can every single day. To my future self I send an abundance of love and peace.

Love,

Present self. 😀