Aisha n Josh 11

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Months after leaving the hospital, trying to reach Josh with no success my mum went to his mother’s house, the response was inhuman as usual, I’ve never known anything good of this woman, i understand she’s being protective of her son but I’ve known her to be reckless, sad and wicked. Even though i warned my mum not to go all the way, we just had to try our luck.
The decision to keep the child wasn’t just my decision or my mum’s, Dr Olu also advised it, he had said trying to get rid of it wasn’t only sinful but dangerous considering the state of my health. I have been living at my aunt’s place growing lean and sick by the day, as much as i tried to console myself i couldn’t but find myself in tears day in day out.
Days passed, months flew, the arrival of my wonder child was fast approaching, mother left all her work in kogi, took the last 6weeks off to stay with me at Aunty’s house since her husband was out of the country. Together we went to Ibadan to get a referral letter and also to see my therapist, i was due in 5weeks but it looked like i was going drop the baggage in no time. Just before i said my goodbyes to Dr Olu and smiling at his promise to see me immediately i deliver. I gazed towards the corridor. I saw Aman and his grandmother, i tried to rush back into the doctor’s office but my mum was already behind me. I was shy and ashamed.
“Hi Aisha, how have you been? I always ask of you from Dr olu, do you remember me?”. “Of course i do, Aman right?” Yes, your are right. I have missed your innocent face. Not so innocent as you can see, showing him my big belly. Oh my God! You are almost popping, do you need me to carry you? He said as he laughed. Some how i genuinely smiled back “I’m perfect, i carried myself all the way from lagos” lagos?! Why come here for clinic all the way from Lagos? No i didn’t come for clinic, i came for a letter and also for my finally session. I’m good to go, not coming here except necessary.
Oh, so i won’t see you here again? That’s not nice acceptable. He smiled looking at my mum. Dear ma, can i marry your daughter? So i can always see her. She just giggled and said; as you can see, she’s more than married so just don’t waste your time. We all walked towards the car saying goodbyes, i knew he was the only friend i had made in 8months and i wanted to keep in touch, i gave him my number and email address, he promised to always check me whenever he is in Lagos.
The referral letter was for deferring my admission in cyprus, i had gotten the admission letter one month earlier, i wasn’t exactly happy but my mum was, she said having my child wouldn’t stop me from being who i want to be and that i would leave my son with her when I’m strong enough to travel. I don’t even know if its proper or if i would care. I do not in any way feel anything for this child i carry, i always imagined it come to pass (the love of a mother) but now its here, i can’t feel it. I have tried to, i have read a lot of books and my therapist had tried, my last session was full of pretence and promising words. I hope soon, when i have him, i can get hold of the L♥√ع and make it happen. If its not too late.
Aman has been a great caller and now i have something doing on social networks because we chat all the time. He would always pester me for my due date, teasing that he wants to be there for me and how much he cares about me. He obviously asked about the father but i didn’t think he had the right to know. I just wanted to keep my story to myself and the few people that knew. The only thing is how much he makes me laugh and i know secretly my mum appreciates him, because when I’m on the computer chatting and laughing out loud, she automatically knows its him.
On the 17th of september 2010 something life changing happened to me..

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Aisha n Josh ~ episode 10

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I was dumbfounded, I looked up to God and asked him WHY? Am not worried, no one should. There’s too much already to handle; the scars, the stigma, the change, rejection, fear and lost of hope. I was only 23, I had my masters waiting for me in Cyprus. I had promised my mum I would make her proud but Alas, I can’t do any of these anymore.
If only I had gone straight to the conference and never branched Josh‘s house, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be here today. Just maybe!
I had to be strong. My life has taken a sudden turn, I knew my mum wouldn’t support abortion but I had to try. She was quiet the whole time, I was afraid of what she’ll utter next. She’s never been this quiet or sober. Even when dad died, she spoke her mind and consoled me. But today, she was just staring into space, no tears, no words.

This silence raised my fears and I just wanted to run away. I wish I knew about the pregnancy myself and just got rid of it before anyone found out. The worst had happened to me in 6weeks, nothing can hurt more. My stitches were still healing, I still had minor TBI and I was still afraid of guys in groups. “I don’t know where to start from”. Finally, she spoke! She cursed! She cried! She swore on the day she had me and said, whoever did this to me would know no peace. She yelled and all her anger was all out at once. I could feel it in my body, how every fibre of my being wanted to crush Josh. Since the incident, she hadn’t said anything about Josh (guess she was just trying to make me happy and not make me think thoughts).

Dr Olu left us to have our family time. My aunt was out with her husband to get fresh air. I presumed they knew before agreeing to welcome me to their home. For the first time, my mum turned red on me, she shouted at me and blamed me for bringing her to this point, embracing her with my attitude and mistakes. Making it known to me how much she is trying not to blame me and help me because of my TBI but the reality remains. I have kept too much secrets and that’s why I’m in this dark maze. She said everything and I appreciated it. In fact I felt more relieved at this, than the silence. I hate quiet people, they scare me and they scare me even now more than ever.
Josh is very out going and much more of an extrovert but he’ll never tell you what he is planning or up to and that’s why it was easy for him to keep so much away from me and I didn’t even notice. Now I’m left all alone. Josh is half way across the world, I can’t even reach him. Its only wise we agree fast and abort the pregnancy. I believe God would forgive us(me). My mum broke the silence again; “so what do you want”?
Me: Abortion! I exclaimed.
Mum: What? Have you had one before?
Me: No, No, No. I just think its the best option.

She obviously was not in support, she must have given it some thought but never expected me to say it or even think about it. We had a really long silence until my aunt came in to remind us Lagos is a long drive and it was getting late. Xxxxx my hospital room, the nurses, the caterers, and especially Doctor Olu. He practically saved my life. I had a lot of cards and friends. Walking through my therapy hall (dialysis and chemo) was awesome, but tears dropped. A lot of these people I met, some died, others I’m leaving here, who am I to choose my own fate? Who am I to question God? Who am to kill an innocent soul?. But who am I not to demand a better life??.

Dear M’ADE readers, please what would you advice? Do I keep it and hope it’s Josh’, or do I keep it and leave in the mystery of finding the rapist and then identify the father of my unborn child long after its born? Or do I get rid of it and start afresh??? Please help me! My mum and I are confused!
….

AiSHa n JoSH~ episode 9

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The memories of how my father died played in my mind. It’s been 18years since the tragic accident happened and ever since, my mum and I never talked about it because none of us could understand why. I was just five years old but it was too dark an event not to remember.
My father was the only son of his parents just like my mum. They both met in college. After about 2years together, my mum got pregnant and they decided to keep it because both parents wanted more kids since they couldn’t conceive. A few months later, my maternal and paternal grandparents started having issues as my maternal’s blamed my father for hindering my mum’s career. My father didn’t agree to this. This constant disagreements threw my mum out of my grandparent’s house since my father didn’t have an apartment of his own. According to my mum, my father would come see her twice a day. He would rock me in his arms and even make sure I’m asleep at night before he leaves.
Katsina isn’t exactly big, but my father rode town to town daily just to see my innocent face. Finally, he got a good job in my mother’s hometown and rented an apartment. We lived and grew in it together till that dark night. We had no power in the area, I can remember vividly even though I was only five. We had used a broken lantern to light the house and had all slept off. I have no idea how the fire started but that’s how everything we had went down. My father saved me but had several burns and continual convulsion. The doctors said his lungs were damaged and even though his parents had a lot of money, it wasn’t enough at the time death came knocking. Abu Abubakar, my father, was 29 years old when he died in the state hospital. He died so I could live. Will I loose my mum too?
Dr Olu walked towards me and placed his hands on my shoulder. I shivered and cried. With eyes filled with tears, I looked into his eyes and asked with fear “please, where is my mother”?? They all chorused, “she went to get something”! It seemed like a planned response. I scream and fell to the ground. I must have fainted, because by the time I woke up, I had a blurred vision and severe headache. I could feel the heat from my body. My mother was there, she wore her white Jalabiyah, holding my feet and caressing them. I thought I had died too until I heard another voice. It was my aunt’s. She called on a nurse that I was awake. Then I wondered and then realised I was actually awake. “Mum, what happened”? I asked with anxiety. She responded “nothing, I only went to get you a small bag to put your purse”. She further asked “what happened my daughter? Are you ready to go home? Or don’t you want to go to Aunty Sidi’s place? All the questions, All her fears and worries, I just hugged her and smiled. I replied “nothing, I was just scared, I thought I had lost you. Please don’t ever leave me mum”.

Some doctors really need to learn how to give news, good or bad. I could have died or lost my mind, the thought of bearing that pain could have dropped my heart dead. The nurse had come back into the room with Dr Olu. He said jokingly, that I was full of drama and fear and that I needed to overcome my fear to avoid high blood pressure. He also pleaded with me not to hurt myself or my mum or even my offsprings. OFFSPRINGS??? I laughed out loud and couldn’t stop. I don’t intend getting married soon and even if I do, because of my mum, it won’t be anytime soon. He sat beside me and told me not to panic.

Dr Olu: Aisha, you know bad things happen to people for reasons only best known to God

Aisha: Yes, I do

Dr Olu: You have passed the test of time and fate, no one can hurt you again

Aisha: Oh yes, I believe insha Allah

Dr Olu: Good, so whatever happens next is God’s will right?

Aisha: Yes doctor 🙂

Dr Olu: Earlier today we were trying to tell you something but your fears made you believe it was because you lost your mum.

Aisha: Dr, I’m sorry, you all scared me

Dr Olu: I’m sorry about that

Aisha: No problem, I just want to go home. I’m feeling better

Dr Olu: Yes you will, but promise
me you won’t be afraid or worried

Aisha: I promise

Dr Olu: Thank you. We have checked all your vitals and they are in good shape. However, the STI is suppressed, you need to complete the doses and come back for check up or go to the referred hospital in lagos. We also did some very important tests for people in your condition and we are sorry to tell you that you are PREGNANT!

Aisha: What?!!! How is that possible??

Dr Olu: We are yet to find out but I’m hoping it’s your boyfriend

Shame and tears rolled down my eyes as I felt I had let my mum down AGAIN. She held me close and said the sweetest things to me. I am finished. Why are all these things happening to me? Why would fate choose this for me? Why? Why??

Then I remembered what I’ve tried so hard to forget, I was raped by four men. Joshua inclusive. Who is the father?????

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AISHA n JOSH 6

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After about 10minutes drive, passing by several checkpoints with just about a hundred or two tipping the policemen at the checkpoints off, they wouldn’t bother to check or even have the slightest glimpse at my teary eye which might raise suspicions, this made me realise these guys know their way. I am surely not their first, as they drove pass, they smiled at the policemen and stretched their bloody hands towards them. I couldn’t be bothered about my next scene but all that clogged up my mind was what i last saw of my Josh.
It was so hard to mention what i saw Josh doing in the last episode not because i caught him with another girl, that i have seen before with the guy i broke up with before Josh(in episode 1). Maybe its not as shocking as it sounds but its the least i ever thought of.
On getting to Josh’s house(our house) after several knocks on the door and knuckles bleeding, I peeped through the window, the sight of him sniffing coke made me drop a tear, but the sight of another girl, tying him up to his bed and shoving into his throat another man’s penis was hell! I can’t think of a word to use, because right now, the thought of the whole drama and his excitement makes me scream into my own ears, makes me wonder what i ever saw in him, what i was thinking to have allowed him use me up to the point of loss and self rejection. Josh isn’t only dealing drugs,he is a liar, a thief, a flirt, a cheat and even Bisexual – !!!!!
As i shook my head to this picture, a slap landed on my wrist, as the thugs(yes! They are thugs) pushed me out of the car, and dragged me by my waist into the bush, my legs hurt, my knees bruised and my eyes looked into the dark sky for mercy. But none of these men looked down at me, they were too angry at chief’s call and too excited to rest their heads in camp. I was tied to a pillar, they lit up their cigars and wandered around the uncompleted building aka camp. I could hear them deliberate on what to do with me. I prayed hard and sang to my Lord, called on the best of his names to forgive me and have mercy on me. I couldn’t imagine the simplest torture, I just wished what happened in movies could happen, I wished my late father would appear but No he didn’t. They had too much alcohol already before they came back to where i was, i was too tired from crying to even look up at them, as i was even too scared to look into their red-wicked eyes, i was untied and asked to take off my clothes.
I didn’t struggle with them but my process was too slow to condone, my dress was ripped off, who would think hands could tear cotton, well it did, i was half naked and was pushed to the ground, my head hit the pillar in series just before i hit the ground, i must have fainted, that must have been God’s way of answering my prayers, i was pounded in rounds and almost turn apart, Pain was inevitable but struggle was no longer in my grips, i yearned for help for couldn’t even hear myself, their voices echoed in my head, but my head ached too much to put all the words together and come up with a sensible sentence. It took forever for them to be done with me, I had to stop counting on getting to the third guy, I lost hope and literally I called upon the angel of death, He didn’t answer me, I begged God to just take my life but he had his mind made up, I just laid helplessly got bruised with no pleasure, no protection, no mercy..
My head kept bleeding until one of them noticed coupled with my heartbeat, they feared i’ld be dead soon, i was bundled up by two while the other two light up the path through which i was rushed to, sooner than i imagined i was dropped from a height(their shoulder) into the bush, I screamed out loud, non-stop hoping someone would at least find my body even if that were my last. They were too busy trying to escape rather than shut me up. I called out to my mother’s name and that of my late Father’s how fast asleep could they have been to let me suffer this much.
Which of the pains do i nurse first, that of my head, my thighs that could no longer move or that of the inner lining of my womb that gushed like the just launched bore-hole? It was certain i wouldn’t survive the night but i used my last breath to pray for heaven and help console my lonely mother. As my breath fade, so did my eyes dim and so did that torch shine into my eyes……

AISHA n JOSH episode 5

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Is this what my friends saw and couldn’t tell me? Is this what they left me to find out myself, is this how i should know? Why have everyone forsaken me? Why did JOSHUA do this to me, especially to himself, the first thing i usually do at moments like this was to call my mum , my Godmother or best friend, but my phone was right beside them, i knocked till my hands bled, tears filled my eyes, i could breath no more, i was almost losing my breath when a neighbour passed and grabbed my shoulders, he asked; are you his sister? I said No, and told him I was his girlfriend. Adam the neighbour made it clear that this wasn’t the first time Josh was doing this and he heard he’s a pastor’s son. He shook his head in shame and fear for me and asked me to go home.
I explained my situation and how important it was for me to get my phone, Adamu knocked hardly on the door but no one responded, the music was so loud am sure with the concentration of sound and distracted mind, they wouldn’t hear us and even if, they will not respond.
I hear, this act is fun and exciting, i do not know what it feels like, i do not envy it, in fact i fought this act during my final exams and project with the help of Josh, how can he be a part? How? I asked myself. As i wondered away from the window through the dark corridor, Adamu helped me with some water to wash my face. He walked me out the compound, everywhere was very dark already but luckily we saw a flash, usually from a bike. As i mount the bike, Adamu said, don’t ever come here again or at least not alone.
The bike guy zoomed off, speeding at about 70km/h, i tried to caution him and he screamed back at me, i was shocked and talked rudely to him, my voice was almost gone from excess weeping and yelling. During this time he had passed the turning to my friend’s house, I called his attention to this and he shut me up, and slowed down by a tree i was about to alight in anger when two men approached and asked what was wrong, as i explained the bike man also alighted and one of the men took the wheel, the other grabbed me from behind and held a dagger to my face. I didn’t struggle with them, because i didn’t want to anger them. I begged as i forced myself to knee and battled my eyes non-stop but it was too dark for them to notice.
He gagged my mouth with a large piece of cloth and told me to nod at whatever he says. At this point, they stopped speaking english and spoke igbo, i started crying and praying for mercy. What would i tell God got me killed or used for rituals? A man? A douche bag? What will become of my lonely mother? What will become of my friends and colleagues?. I recited all the quranic verses i knew, i called upon the Almighty. I even made some sort of covenant at the spot. They were busy making several calls as i was made to sit behind the tree with my hand tied around my neck.
Few minutes later, a car came forth and they put me on the back sit, telling me to make no noise as they removed the gag. I was strongly assured if i raised any alarm, they will not hesitate to cut off my neck, i told them ” i will cooperate”. He gave me an evil smile and told the driver to move. I thought of several jack bauer tricks and all the Chloe’s tactics, everything sidney of ‘ALIAS’ would have done but i laughed at myself when i remembered how powerless i am even with a single Josh. A call came in just after about 8minutes drive and the conversation got the receiver angry.

Up till that point, they had not beaten me, by time he dropped the call, his heavy hand landed on my face, i couldn’t look up, i couldn’t help but scream, the other man on my left brought out the dagger to remind me screaming attracts something worse, i was just calling on God’s name. The driver and the other guy in front, asked what the caller said and he replied;
“Chief talk say in don see another person, and na this bastard cause am o, as we follow reach that place, she no gree commot quick now, chief no go give us balance.” He said in a roaring voice. The driver suggested they took me to camp and left for lagos the next day, saying i would be of better use in lagos.

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AISHA n JOSH…. episode 3

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Last week, I used a picture to represent Josh and I and obviously that’s not our picture but it gives a description of how we were then, JOSHUA is a tall muscular, fair guy, he his very hairy and good looking, hails from the western region and lived in the east just before his father became an Evangelist in a church in Kogi were we met.

Let me give a brief history:

I, Aisha is the only child of my Mother who is the only child of her parent, I am hausa from Abdalawa in Katsina Lat 13.16 Long 7.9 with population of about 195,000 people mostly women and children residing in the town. Farming and cow rearing is a major occupation but my mother is a business woman, she distributes Dangote products and is friends with a lot of business men and women in Kogi State, that’s how we moved to Kogi and she made me school somewhere close, i was very young and smart, i had idea in almost everything, science was and is my darling and would fall for anyone who played the role of Daddy since i lost mine when I was just 11 😦 i never knew a large family, i was used to the little i had and was always grateful, i practise Islam and did all required except that i got carried away as a teenager, had friends but never partied or clubbed until i met Josh because that was his way of life, it occurred to me i missed out a lot but i still caught up with many.

Josh on the other hand, is the first of 6children and so much was expected of him at the time he was just 25 had 5 siblings looking up to him, a mother who believed in him and a father who is always expecting, Despite our messy lives we still held on to family and each time he speaks of his, i always wished i had one to talk about. He works for an advertising company and did his MSc has part time, he might not be the born again Christian but will always pray, go to church and do the norms, he has invited me to sunday services several times but i always find excuses.

Its been 5months into our very undefined relationship and we were both always trying to define it but it leads to one argument or the other, he started to introduce me to friends as his girlfriend and i was now free to talk about him to my girlfriends, i even mentioned him to my mom but she wasn’t in full support of the relationship, this i knew because she never asked after him. I didn’t mind because i was sure he now loved me and cared about me and would always make me smile. Josh never stopped his romantic ways and he never stopped how we started off, every day was lived freshly and lively.

Soon before i was due to go home for the long break, Josh took me to his parents house, we were in for about an hour or two, we talked about how we would miss each other at a point i cried because he was also almost done with his master’s programming and was planning to take a job in Cyprus but wasn’t sure yet. The end was the only thing i saw in our relationship, to be honest i wasn’t hopeful at all, a lot of friends and colleagues have never seen us going past 3months, even though we made it past that. As we were talking and giggling with him assuring me he wasn’t going to leave me and telling me how much he now loves and respects me, his mum walked in.

She is tall, dark and fat, i had to look up at her, knelt down and greeted her, she was busy talking on the phone and didn’t respond, i didn’t take any offence but after like 10-15mins of her wandering about the house i thought to myself, she should have noticed me by now, but guess she didn’t. Josh was no longer by my side, she had told him to get something, then i greeted her again. Her words were ” i thought you were dumb” i responded with down spirit that i greeted her but she was on the phone. She smiled and asked of my name, just then Josh came in and told her i was Kemi. I looked up from where i knelt and he gave the “shut up i’ll explain sign”. I smiled back at her and she started speaking yoruba, of course i understand yoruba but i became dumb as she earlier assumed. The next question was; which church do you attend?

:O i didn’t know what to say because obviously she concluded i was Christian.

Monday is just around the corner please stay tuned 😀

AISHA n JOSH ~ Episode 2

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episode 1

Soon as we started out, my exams was fast approaching, so was his. we made ourselves time table and read together, unlike every other duo, we were never distracted. In fact we dealt with every aspect of our lives like business partners, what helped us more was the fact that we were both very ambitious and competitive, we watched over each other’s shoulder and criticised our flaws, encouraged ourselves and believed in each other. This drive didn’t stop at books or work alone, our sex life was undeniably excellent, on bed, we were very competitive, always wanted the best of the moment, we loved sex, sometimes we had to measure who liked it most or less, most times he won but still as always he’ll encourage me to get better, i thought him so many things like cooking and shopping, he spoilt me silly and so did i.

I can’t believe i will admit this, but sex with Joshua was and is still the best of my life, he is very romantic, subtle and fierce. Josh, knows where every detail is, he knows what you want even before you want it, he’s capable of meeting all your sexual needs, from candle lights to chocolate droplets to ice cream sprays and all sort of things that adds flavour to your sex life, we were maniacs, did it everywhere and anywhere. I remember we once went to the state stadium and laid in the middle of the field just to get laid.. We were almost caught but that’s the fun of it.

We made every one jealous of our L♥√ع and showed it at every junction, did we fight? Yes! We fought almost every time like we had a referee and a score board, i was the rude, silly girl who believed she should have a say with her man. He was always calm with me and helped me with being a better person. We were ONE, we marked places were we had sex as an achievement just like we marked projects executed and successful 😀 the both of us were just having fun, i never asked questions about him having another girl, neither did he ask me but i was true to him and he was to me (at least i never heard or saw anything)

Differences like religion, believe, faith, home town, time of effectiveness, his L♥√ع for food and putting others before him started affecting us. He would work weekends after a long week in school studying and writing exams, i was beginning to get lonely and nagged all the time. Well, i missed him. He also had issues with me meeting up with business frontiers and Government parastatals for jobs and projects runs, he never actually trusted me, of course because i used him to dump my ex- i never trusted him either but this was never an issue because we both never thought of US in the future, but as time went we started getting serious, we had reasons to discuss OUR future and it always leaves us depressed, as i was still very young and would not quit my religion for any reason, even if he didn’t mind but a big barrier was with his evangelist parents, they even own a very popular church. They would crucify him (literary).

Joshua and I had resulted from careful sex to carefree sex( that you have with no protection) both of us are educated but ignorant. This was the only common thing we shared after 3months but like they say; Friend‘s with benefits never end well. I started to fall in love with Josh, i was clingy and always nagging. Became jealous and wanted to know his every move, he started trying to avoid me but i held on to him. He warned me of my recent moves but i reassured him i was in control.

Just before i go on, let me give a brief history:

See you next monday