lets just be fwends

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Can men and women be JUST friends?/Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/a relationship?

I just finished meditating. I meditate twice a day for 15 minutes each. I have made this part of my daily routine and have found the benefits of it to be amazing so far and I believe the more I practice the more benefits I will feel/see. I am rambling about this because I should be focused on my project but whenever I come out of meditation I always feel creative and inspired. The thoughts come rushing into my head.  This blog I believe becomes truer and truer day by day because I am able to open up more due to the lessening of stress I feel.

Anyhow, there wasn’t a significant point to that rambling except for my wanting to share. I believe feeling good can be infectious so I guess part of me wanted to put it out there. As far as the above question goes…hmmmmm…..well it is an age old one that is for sure. Can men and women be friends? Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/being in a relationship? Honestly, I really don’t know. I think most people would say yes but I am unsure.

In regards to men (guys) and women(gals) being just friends I do think it is possible. I also think though that a lot is dependent on the type of relationship the two people have. If a male and female spend a lot of time together, doing various things (watching games, going to bars, going to the beach, etc) I do believe at some point there is a solid chance that one will become attracted to the other. A part of me feels that we are built in a way that either draws us closer to someone of the opposite sex or pushes us further away (either because we aren’t attracted to them or because we are and we know it will never happen so we abandon the situation). There are very few guys in my life that I would consider close friends that at some point I did not feel an attraction to at some point. I have had a male roommate and I do look at him as a close friend  but when we first met and became roommates(at a conference) I admit that the thought did ponder my mind about a romantic or intimate relationship. I felt attracted to him but was unsure of what my feelings really were. I pushed the thought out of my head and I still have remained friends with him (the thought of being with him in any physical or romantic way now is not even a possibility) but at that time I realized I needed to keep my life separate in certain ways from his. I needed to focus more on me in order to not get all wrapped up in that kind of situations. So, yes, we are friends but there are boundaries I make sure to never cross. I guess what I am saying is that men and women can be friends but it usually goes along with more rules and regulations.

I can’t believe I am going to admit this (thank goodness I do not use names) but at one time, probably a year and a half back, I had a male friend that I would go to happy hour with and just chill with from time to time. It sounds kind of mean but he was kind of the guy I went to when nothing else was going on and I was itching to get out of the house. This guy is nice but we would not be compatible in the least. He is your stereotypical engineer nerd (yes he even says that about himself) and our personalities are soooooo extremely different. I am bubbly and silly and loud and he is more analytical and “know it all”. We are not a match even a little bit. Our personalities worked together in certain situations. One night we had a party and I admit that the alcohol was flowing. In a mere moment I found myself attracted to him. The thought of him being snuggled up to me in bed entered my mind. The next day I was in complete denial that I ever felt that. I kept telling myself that thought could not have possibly entered my mind. I know to this day I would never want to be with him but for a minute (or maybe for more than a minute and a few drinks) I felt it. I am telling you this because I believe at some point or another, if a man or a woman has a friend of the opposite sex there will come a time they will find themselves attracted to them( maybe that’s why my male friend’s girlfriends don’t like me- duh). I guess what matters the most is how that person reacts to that feeling. I believe 100% at some point or another my roommate considered me in some way or another. I am sure it was just a passing thought but I guarantee it was there. The good thing about us is that there is not a chance we would act on it because we have seen each other so much and know each other so well now that any attraction or romantic/physical possibilities has ceased. I feel like I keep contradicting my answer. See why I said I don’t know. :0)

What I do know (well what I believe, I can’t really say know) is that men and women being friends after dating/a relationship is very rare. The chances of a long-term successful friendship after being involved is slim to none(except they do not see). I believe that it is a form of regression if people try to be friends after being romantically involved. Obviously, if two people have been romantically involved then there is attraction there. Attraction doesn’t simply go away. If it does go away then I believe that there is a good chance you don’t even want to be around that person anymore. I think people need time to heal and explore themselves and potentially meet someone else when the time is right and maybe after enough time has passes then two people that have been romantically involved may be able to become friends again but I still have doubts about it.there was a time i tried bonding with my ex but Friendship was  not an option because i was too drawn to him romantically and physically and the idea of him being with another girl just tore me up. There was no way I could accept that. He said he believed he would seek me out after all was said and done with his breakup and who knows if that day will ever come but I realized that keeping him in my life right now was not going to be healthy for me…and most likely not for him either. I knew deep down that I would be constantly hoping that things would take a turn and he would realize that I was truly what he wanted and he would forget everything else and just dive in.

I finally stopped dreaming and realized I could not live like that. So, through my experiences, and in my opinion, I do not think it is healthy for two people to “try” and remain friends after a break up. I am not implying they should be arch enemies by any means but I do think that people need their space and time away from each other to regain their independence and their individuality. During those times is when you realize what is truly important to you and if a relationship ends like that then long-term was never meant to be. I may be a die-hard romantic and a dreamer but I truly believe that when it is right it is right…there won’t be a whole bunch of breaking up and getting back together, there won’t be the question of whether to date other people, there won’t be an issue of timing. When it is right, in my opinion, there are no questions and no doubts. A friendship later could be possible but I think initially is not the right time.

What do you think?

TEMI TO NKEM

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read also: Nkem to Temi : https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/nkem-to-temi/

 

its been 2years and i just though to let you know my mind.

There goes my baby……now, that song always got me thinking how could i have just watched things slip away, but hey, am here, oh no am not its the new me, am thinking and writing confused and worried if I’ll ever find true love, if  ‘ll ever find that man that’s just like my baby, my big baby i call him, Temi, my L♥√ع, my darling, my happiness, my joy, he’s just everything you want but maybe what makes him human is that he’s not perfect, how can he be when all we do is laugh and fight.

the laugh, did i actually truly laugh in years, yes i did when i was with him; our journey far was all because of mathematics, i remember never seeing anyone like him before, though have seen someone that looks better, he’s tall, dark, handsome not of the finest breed but he’s funny.

In tears, i sat ranting about how am going to cope with the extra loads i had with my new department and all, then he came along, laughing at me saying he’s never seen a pretty-big girl of my age crying in public, but deep inside it wasn’t the math, it was home, it was my boyfriend, it was pressure and i just needed something to blame and when anyone asked i told the same lie, its mathematics and he offered to help me and that was it, i didn’t even ask of his name.

Weeks after weeks i didn’t even remember the deal and then we crossed path again i defensively accused him of dulling me then he said “its you who need help, not i” and i wondered what kind of guy would act/talk so bluntly and then we made another agreement, he would come to my house on Saturdays and Sundays and we barely did maths, all we did was talk, talk and talk, cook together, eat and maybe music.

Weeks after weeks we bonded, shared stories and become closer, he was all about the facts and always blunt about it! Of course i like facts but i never liked bluntness and it was obvious he won’t stop, i had my part but i can’t place that part of my memory.

One night he came over to my house, we talked and talked and he was going to leave and then i just didn’t want him to go and of course he didn’t want to leave either but then the fact is he had to go, it was getting too late and he concluded he would stay at his friends’ close by my hostel and there we asked each other at almost the same time, what do you feel for me (it was funny) we kissed, he was gentle, soft, direct and perfect, we couldn’t stop, it was the most passionate, long and french ever. It wasn’t like the other guys were we argue why we should date or not, he likes me and i was falling for every bit of him. my friends like him and his did me.

From the first kiss, went the second and third and many more passionate kisses. He is just the one, we are alike, he is very athletic, humble, respectful but blunt, straight forward, calm, funny, intelligent, nice, caring, sweet and i can go on but he’s stubborn, argues to the last, obsessive, nonchalant and annoying ( in a sweet way though) we shared almost everything but one thing we didn’t share was agreeing. Temi made me understand what L♥√ع was, he was my friend, my brother and everything and with time we grew to understand each other and we were everywhere together, we would text each other at intervals, he would call me till i fall asleep and he would help me with house chores.

he loves sports but i hate to be the one to wash the socks, or massage his broken ankle or toes, but i L♥√ع that he let me baby him. The fact that he’s so tall and makes me feel so small makes me see a reason to respect him because i can also be very rude,  he would be at my doorstep the moment i say “i miss you bro” we would read, sleep and wake up the next morning and pray together, he there every step of the way, he would stay up at night to rub my back whenever am sick and would be close to tears when i cry and shout in pain, he would not hesitate to walk miles home after he tucks me in bed and its too late to get a cab.

All roads ain’t smooth but ours was, if only we never lamented about minor things if only i stopped messaging my ex and if only he stopped telling me how much L♥√ع had for his ex, if only he’s best friend girl was too close for my liking, if only i didn’t let my past hunt me down with insecurity and i was all nosy and Nagy. If only we prayed more and didn’t let the things o this world get to us. And focus on what we already shared..love. If only we held on to the sweet memories we shared; the date nights, the beautiful sex we had, the awkward moments we were caught naked, the beautiful gifts we exchanged, the days we would write stuffs together, read together , call our families and all those smiles.

Nkem, that’s what he calls me (his own). But then, maybe it was all too much and things were a little perfect and we fought almost everyday over very insignificant things, we took a break and we just couldn’t handle it and came back together after 48hours of not talking, Temi came knocking on my door and said he was sorry, we were out all night and there was a shooting star and we both made a wish and after a while he asked what i wished and i said i wished that our L♥√ع grows and we can settle down with kids and he didn’t say his (he like to blackmail me) we argued it and ended the night with a kiss.

We had plans to have a nice vacation, i was saving up and was excited then we had a fight about me going through his phone, then the next day i called him and he said he was in Abuja and shunned me off, i was really sad, i had a competition that day and i didn’t do well at all, i called several times and my L♥√ع didn’t pick his calls, only for him to call me the next day saying he was still angry with me and will call me when he’s calm. I missed him so much and cried almost every night, and would even send texts he wouldn’t reply. Finally, he texts me “where are you” and i replied “home” he came over and as usual filled each other in on the days apart, he mentioned talking to his best girl friend everyday while he was away since he didn’t want to speak to me ( i was jealous and angry) then he said ” i went to see  his ex, i can remember vividly my heart pumped, and every strand of hair on my body rose and i kept calm cause i wanted to hear everything but truly i wasn’t listening, i felt loss, heartbreak and disappointment after summing up why he didn’t take me on the trip and why he didn’t speak to me through out and multiplying it with the fact that he kept saying he will always love her, it was fear, hatred and defeat that drown me, i could swear i didn’t hear any other thing. And when we woke up the next morning, i started from that day onward to make silly evaluations and read meaning to everything he said, we fought more often and i stopped checking his phones even though she messaged and called but i was sure i was done.

But how can i be done, when i still L♥√ع him, i talked to friends and family and the more people i talked to, the more confused i was, Temi, had to travel and almost after he left i was sick, i told him but he was always too busy to even checkup on me.  Several thoughts would cross my mind and i just couldn’t think straight anymore, but a piece of me just prayed and hoped for solution, one day, i had to go see my potential brother in-law as i always called him and on leaving there it rained cat and dog, my bike slipped and the next thing i remember is that i was in the hospital, after days i was discharged and i told him what happened, his response was “did i send you there”. i was shocked and that was the last we spoke, i knew something was wrong but i couldn’t place it.

It killed me more because i couldn’t talk to anyone we met back in school and he didn’t mention and i just hated him for that, i was hurt my leg was left with a scar and he didn’t notice, i told him i needed a break and he said he was hoping for that, we clearly didn’t have a good discussion because of pride and fear.

As much as i would like to write more, i just want you to know that despite the hate and irritation i had for you, i would never forget how you made my sister yours, my problem yours, my fear your fear, and how you filled my world with so much joy. All the crazy things we did, all the sleepless night all the sky-ping, all the good sex and all the baby names we argued about, have not shared them with anyone because there will be none like you. I am though still angry and hurt and wanna slap your face right now for that day you had me over to your place and tried so many things called me several names and brought out the monster in me, i would though like to hear from you, and tell me what really went wrong.  The space i created for you still remains and i haven’t found L♥√ع!

Nkem to Temi : https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/nkem-to-temi/