Fear of Karma!

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Hi everyone, my name is Kamila and I love my boyfriend. Big deal? No! But how I came to love him, big deal? Yes!!

I’m such a fun girl, I’m more of an extrovert, loving, playful, sassy but a bit responsible, I can be crazy when necessary and I can be gentle if required.

I’m not exactly faithful, well until recently. I love to experiment even though I’m not a scientist. I just finished my ACCA exams and it was a success. Thank Goodness karma, didn’t try to deal with me in that area because that would have been a big loss.

I’m 24years old, from a middle class family and well mannered. I have three siblings, two brothers and a sister. I’m the third child but I get no pampering because my parents are disciplined. I was thought the right ways of the lord but I also learnt from the streets Yo!

I will not bore you with my life but I’ll ask you to please read carefully. I don’t know why I approached M’ade but I just thought I’ll use her platform to get my story out.

I have been dating my present boyfriend for about 3years now. We have been weak, strong and determined but it didn’t change who I am or what I love to do. I am an extrovert, he’s more of an introvert and my relationship with him gets really boring, I particularly don’t have many friends and my best friend is happy married.

Since she got engaged I brought myself to reality because we met our boyfriends at approximately the same time and I wondered what I was doing with mine.

Since my first sexual intercourse, I have slept with six guys, most of whom I slept with after I met my boyfriend, we never had any official breakup but whenever it gets boring I find myself cheating.

Usually, I’m never in regret but I’m afraid of my past catching up with me. He probably has cheated but he’s a guy. He lies and pretends but whenever it’s about me, its 100%.

Back to why I’m writing this, recently about 6months ago, my boyfriend and I always had issues of how to chill and hangout, but he always wanted us to sit at home and do nothing which leads us to either too much or too little sex. That’s not what I want; I want to be adventurous with my boyfriend. I want to go shopping, see movies, laugh outside, go visiting friends and xxxxxxxx just under the sky. He’s gotten boring by the day. Each time I complain he promises to adjust, and after about 2days he’s back to his boring old self.

I love him and I’m ready to do whatever he wants, but being boring isn’t just working. So, one of my friends noticed my constant complaint on my personal status on BBM and asked what’s up with me. I reluctantly answered because I never discuss my relationship. A lot of girls are out there single, they just complicate yours. She advised I make new friends, try new platforms and learn to be happy without my boyfriend. She then asked what kinda guy I liked. I gave her the girly description of a perfect man. She wowed me by sending pictures of the intended boredom saver. I immediately disapproved of him because he is fair skinned. She laughed and said he was fair to the heart. We exchanged contacts and that’s how it began.

Day 2, into my chatting up with Hussain has been amazing. Oh Hussain is his name, we from the same state. He works in a cargo company and lives in Port Harcourt just around my parents second home. My present boyfriend also works with a communication company in Port Harcourt but I school in Lagos. Just one week into our friendship, I knew almost everything about Hussain more than I can say about any guy I had met. He makes me smile, happy and free. We talk about everything and anything. He’s just a sweet guy. But I still wasn’t sure of his personality since it was virtual. Then we decided to meet. It was magical, as we were both thinking the same things. On my arrival at the airport, Hussain was there waiting for me with flowers. He took me home and got me lunch. Not that I’m comparing but I just need you guys to see it all. My Boyfriend Kamal has never picked me up from the airport even if it’s a weekend and his office is on the airport road Port Harcourt. I never complained because I had never tasted the other side. Hussain calls me up for lunch and talks to me about everything including his girlfriend as I did him mine.

I consciously and unconsciously daily expressed my love for him and all he did was smile, he never told me he liked me but his action shows it. I became confused as I never worried about chatting or calling Kamal. Time passed and we felt more close and intimate, we had our first weird kiss and the several followed. I took my time but I also wanted it. He was sweet and fun. I didn’t feel a bit of guilt about it and I still don’t.

Two months ago my parents asked me to bring home a man and because my mum had met Kamal, she expects me to bring him but I needed to make clarifications with my mind. I tried discussing with myself in the mirror but it kept bouncing back. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because it sounded insane. I love Kamal sooo much because every time I cheat or draw away from him, we sometimes find ourselves in each other’s arms like we were meant to be together. I love Hussain because he’s sweet, adorable and makes me ‘happy’. I’m happy with Kamal but I fear it might fade out of boredom.

I spoke with Hussain about meeting my parents and how they wanted my man home, he reluctantly responded, I know it’s too soon but I just hope he’ll at least say something about his feelings for me. I needed him to give me a go ahead or stall my parents but he didn’t. The pressure was getting high and I didn’t want my father to think I’m irresponsible considering I’m 24 and they know I’m seeing someone. I told Kamal about it and he was excited. Even though we are not ready yet, he’s ready to make it official, he’s long taken me to his parents and I’ve been accepted.

A week after Kamal’s meeting with my parent, Hussain gave me the shocker story; of how he loves me and has made up his mind to marry me and all. I was devastated as to why it took him so long. he cried on his knees and begged for a chance but I can’t break my engagement with Kamal because I have promised him. I can’t go back to my parents and say stories. That night, we made out and said goodbye.

 The first few days were hard but I was left to myself to learn to appreciate my man and I hope I have made the right choice. My heart has refused to speak to me, I am hoping you can.
 

K

kindly comment and share, thanks

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10 great goals of Ramadan

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I'm here!!! \=D/ \=D/ \=D/

I’m here!!! \=D/ \=D/ \=D/

Asalam alaikum,

Am so happy to finally be here, its so beautiful and unique, filled with blessing and change! Change which is watch-word. Islam is full of joy, peace and respect. As we start today Insha Allah bikurati lah, may we be amongst those that will scream Alhamdulilah at the end and may almighty Allah accept it as an act of ibadah. AMIN!

To start the gracious month, here are some things to look out for:

1. Eat, drink and be moderate

Almost all of us do it – once Iftar time hits, we just keep plowing food and drink into our mouths till it’s hard to move afterwards. And those of us who do it know this is totally contrary to the spirit of Ramadan, through which we’re supposed to learn self-control not self-indulgence. Let’s try to stick to the Prophetic rule on eating: fill our stomachs with one-third food, one-third water and one-third breathing space, even in Ramadan.

2. Give a dollar a day in charity…or five or ten

The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, was always generous but even more so in Ramadan. Let’s open our hearts and dig a little deeper in our wallets this year. Even less than a dollar a day adds up. Whatever you can give, it’s the intention that counts.

3. Memorize 4 new Surahs

Memorizing the Quran often seems like a daunting task. But the key is doing it in small bites. Since there are four weeks in Ramadan, try to memorize one new Surah a week. Start off with a short, easy one. Once you’ve started, you’ll build momentum and may even want to memorize a
longer one the following week.

4. Go to Tarawih prayers

Post-Iftar, the first urge is to sleep after an exhausting day. But try your best to head out to the mosque for Tarawih prayers. Praying alone is wonderful, but doing it in congregation is fantastic. The community spirit is part of Ramadan’s blessings. Don’t miss it this
year. If going every day is not possible, try going at least one week.

5. Attend the Tarawih prayer in which the recitation of the Quran will
be finished

Call the local mosque and find out which day the Imam will be finishing the recitation of the Quran in prayer. Attend to not only hear part of the Quran’s recitation in prayer, but also participate in the heart-rending Duas that follow it.

6. Stop swearing and/or backbiting – with a special box

It’s hard not to shoot our mouths off when someone’s upset us. Whether we utter those four-letter words or backbite about someone to our family and friends, we know this isn’t the God-approved way of letting off steam. In Ramadan, when we want to build our spirituality, we’ve got to wage Jihad against our bad habits.

Try this: get a box and every time you catch yourself swearing or backbiting put some money in it. It could be a buck or less. The point is to choose an amount that makes it feel like punishment.

At the end of the month send the money to a charity or buy a gift for
the person whom you’ve backbitten the most against.

7. Call/email your relatives

You’d think that given the easy access to email, competitive long-distance calling rates, phone cards, etc. these days, we’d keep in touch with family and friends more often. But the opposite seems to be the case, as we get caught up in life’s “busyness.”

Strengthening ties with family members and keeping in touch with
friends is part of our way of life and an act Allah is very pleased
with. This Ramadan, call family and friends or at least email them a
Ramadan card and ask them how their fasting is going.

8. Go on a technology diet

Even if you work in the IT industry, you can do this. Avoid checking
personal email and surfing the web during your fast. After Iftar,
instead of plopping yourself in front of the screen, go to Tarawih.
The same goes for the television. The point is to try to give our full
attention to spiritual elevation this month.

9. Read 5 minutes of Quran a day…just five, not more, not less

Even if you feel you’ve got absolutely no time, set a timer or the
alarm on your cell phone and find a relatively quiet place. You can
read the first page of the Quran you open or follow a sequence. The
choice is yours. The point is simply to connect with God through His
revelation in the month of the Quran.

10. Forgive everyone who has hurt you

Still got a festering wound from the fight with your friend last year?
Still upset about something your spouse said during a heated argument?
Or are you still bitter about the way your parents sometimes treated
you as a kid? Let go of the anger and pain this Ramadan and forgive
those who have hurt you. Forgiving someone is not only good for the
body, but it’s also great for the soul. And in Ramadan, ten days of
which are devoted to Allah’s forgiveness, shouldn’t we lesser beings
forgive too?

If you find it very difficult to forgive everyone, forgive at least
three people.

PS: knowing is not enough, doing is not superb but sharing with willingness is a great deal. Jazakum lahi kairan.

Barka jumah- MASALAM

AISHA n JOSH ~ Episode 2

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episode 1

Soon as we started out, my exams was fast approaching, so was his. we made ourselves time table and read together, unlike every other duo, we were never distracted. In fact we dealt with every aspect of our lives like business partners, what helped us more was the fact that we were both very ambitious and competitive, we watched over each other’s shoulder and criticised our flaws, encouraged ourselves and believed in each other. This drive didn’t stop at books or work alone, our sex life was undeniably excellent, on bed, we were very competitive, always wanted the best of the moment, we loved sex, sometimes we had to measure who liked it most or less, most times he won but still as always he’ll encourage me to get better, i thought him so many things like cooking and shopping, he spoilt me silly and so did i.

I can’t believe i will admit this, but sex with Joshua was and is still the best of my life, he is very romantic, subtle and fierce. Josh, knows where every detail is, he knows what you want even before you want it, he’s capable of meeting all your sexual needs, from candle lights to chocolate droplets to ice cream sprays and all sort of things that adds flavour to your sex life, we were maniacs, did it everywhere and anywhere. I remember we once went to the state stadium and laid in the middle of the field just to get laid.. We were almost caught but that’s the fun of it.

We made every one jealous of our L♥√ع and showed it at every junction, did we fight? Yes! We fought almost every time like we had a referee and a score board, i was the rude, silly girl who believed she should have a say with her man. He was always calm with me and helped me with being a better person. We were ONE, we marked places were we had sex as an achievement just like we marked projects executed and successful 😀 the both of us were just having fun, i never asked questions about him having another girl, neither did he ask me but i was true to him and he was to me (at least i never heard or saw anything)

Differences like religion, believe, faith, home town, time of effectiveness, his L♥√ع for food and putting others before him started affecting us. He would work weekends after a long week in school studying and writing exams, i was beginning to get lonely and nagged all the time. Well, i missed him. He also had issues with me meeting up with business frontiers and Government parastatals for jobs and projects runs, he never actually trusted me, of course because i used him to dump my ex- i never trusted him either but this was never an issue because we both never thought of US in the future, but as time went we started getting serious, we had reasons to discuss OUR future and it always leaves us depressed, as i was still very young and would not quit my religion for any reason, even if he didn’t mind but a big barrier was with his evangelist parents, they even own a very popular church. They would crucify him (literary).

Joshua and I had resulted from careful sex to carefree sex( that you have with no protection) both of us are educated but ignorant. This was the only common thing we shared after 3months but like they say; Friend‘s with benefits never end well. I started to fall in love with Josh, i was clingy and always nagging. Became jealous and wanted to know his every move, he started trying to avoid me but i held on to him. He warned me of my recent moves but i reassured him i was in control.

Just before i go on, let me give a brief history:

See you next monday

i dont feel beautiful :(

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I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.

I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?

I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.

The last few weeks or so has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight especially in my cheeks and stomach area because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.

I don’t feel beautiful (well i feel ugly, but i won’t be pessimistic).

I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful even though people say i am.

I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? Of recent? No.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My friends,clients and colleagues like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am with an awesome person who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it i know i have an attractive body but the feeling of beauty, i just don’t have..

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is multicoloured skin . Just flaws. The flaws that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.

I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But we have to take care of ourselves, use your lotion, drugs, eat Good food,drink a lot of water, exercise well and apply all the necessary makeups. In the last few months have been working so hard and earning as deserved but i can count how many new good things i have in my closet, i was forced to shop last week but i was too busy to do it, i don’t even take good care of my hair anymore, how will i? When i don’t even have a body cream. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m careless about it, so its leaving me for someone else 3-|

So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was black or ugly (i L♥√ع dark skinned girls, but i L♥√ع my old brown sugar self) but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.

So i took a test….

what’s your opinion 😀