MY MOTHER – HBBD

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Who sat and watched my infant head
When sleeping on my cradle bed,
And tears of sweet affection shed?
My Mother.

When pain and sickness made me cry,
Who gazed upon my heavy eye,
And wept for fear that I should die?
My Mother.

Who taught my infant lips to pray
And love God’s holy book and day,
And walk in wisdom’s pleasant way?
My Mother.

And can I ever cease to be
Affectionate and kind to thee,
Who wast so very kind to me,
My Mother?

Ah, no! the thought I cannot bear,
And if God please my life to spare
I hope I shall reward they care,
My Mother.

When thou art feeble, old and grey,
My healthy arm shall be thy stay,
And I will soothe thy pains away,
My Mother.
Ann Taylor

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dont stop!

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playing sound track –  DONT STOP!

Earlier this morning at about 12: 23 am i was trying to re assure myself that i was on the right track, a lot have been going on in my life recently, i need to make major decisions that would affect me for the next first two years of my life and these first two years will also build who i intend to become in the next five years which would be about three years from the first two years ( well that’s how confusing my thought process have become) I am a people’s person but i recently have been tagged strong so getting concrete advice from people have been hard because even they come to me for some. I have been stuck with myself, twitter, my new job role, new series and my latest best male friend. Even though all these things and people give me hope and make me see a sweet reflection of myself i cant seem to get a grip of it. i looked through a cupboard where i keep books and files and finding my 2011 black book on a normal ground was suppose to make me feel great about my self because truly i have evolved, i am a better person, i write for pleasure and inspiration, i have my coy registered, i am in-love with myself, i have a good job and good colleagues, i have a complete healthy family, i have a close boyfriend 🙂 ( yeah right), i have people who look up to me, i am gracefully serving my father’s land, i have almost finished my first book, i have a lot of inspirations and aspirations, my fashion line is growing, i am becoming a better muslimah. God has been faithful but really and truly within myself i do not feel fulfilled and in August I had a major breakdown because i couldn’t figure out what i truly wanted for my self what i am truly good at doing, people’s idea of who i am is gradually taking me away from my personal goals and dreams, pride is beginning to set in, fear and sense of incompleteness is almost taking over my personality.


But alas! i have so much to be grateful for, so so much i can not mention all, I needed something to keep me going something to help drive my decision making process, something to curb my fears, something…. just something to make choosing between three major careers of my life and prioritizing my next goals EASIER. I couldn’t find, i got bored of thinking, I spoke to a friend and the same thing was said ” you have great potential, i respect you so much and i wish you can see a reflection of what you are, you inspire people, you make people feel good about themselves, you create lives and mentor both young and old” these were her words, i wasn’t exactly touched because i hear them at least once in a while. my mum reminds me everyday of how proud of me she is, my sisters looks up to me, i am currently mentoring 3o kids into entrepreneurship but i just dont feel fulfilled.
Having what i want sometimes make me act silly I remeber one sunday morning I woke up with this hunger for “akara”, I tweeted about it and got a very good friend and neighbour of mine @hobalola to be interested too, we set out to buy akara knowing fully well we might not get it, we asked several people on twitter and got several responses, after trying about six spots on the adeniji adele axis, we dashed to his friend (@engr_ejo)’s house hoping to get akara around his aboda, but unfortunately we didnt, he contacted the akara virus immediately, the rain poured heavily after we waited a few minutes we agreed it wont be a bad idea if we scouted for akara under d rain before the people selling pack up, we got two umbrellas and swappped simultaneously as we roamed the street of lagos looking for akara, we had covered the west part of eko in an hour under the rain and in the flood looking for akara, it got to a point we wouldnt mind were they were frying akara for someone’s burial but we didnt see, apparently people stopped dying on the island or maybe no one died 41 days ago,abi?.

Another 30minutes had passed it was already half 11 am, we were hungry and tired, found a nice spot to chill and eat puff puff. it was so nice but we were not tempted into remitting our money to the mallam frying it. This time we were at Idumota coming from Tinubu Square, on getting there i called a cousin of mine who promised we would see in their area, I was so happy and glad, we draggedourselves down and up the dirty streets of Idumota going to the obas palace around were my cousin stays, we got there with hopes and smiles on our dear faces, we sat on a bench just by the corner, it had been a great journey after searching for akara on a rainy sunday, we finally got to a spot were we would find. my cousin arrived and gave the bad news that the woman had packedup, i was sad and close to tears, i really do want to eat akara that day, i havent had it since the begining of the year and i never start what i wont finish. i felt defeated i was willing to go all the way to Ebute Metta or even Ikorodu if i would find the akara but everyone discouraged me that it was a sunday afternoon already and no one would fry akara 9 ofcourse i added that to my goals that some day soon, i would sell sunday akara and other stuff people dont get to see and buy on sundays).
Before heading back home, i went to greet my grandaunt as you know(if you pass in front of obas palace you must greet him) she scolded me at my foolish adventure into finding akara and blamed the jobless boys who followed me all the way and said ” cant you fry akara in your house?” wow! non of us thought of that but even if we did, i dont know how todo it, i have never tried it. it was time to go home and we realised we had spent all the N200 we had to buy akara on transport and puff puff, it means even if we saw akara, there would be no money to buy it. foolish us. but atleast we tried, we got back home really tired and angry but you know what? we didnt Stop!


we didnt stop our quest, we bought beans, pilled it together, added neccessary sauce: fish, beef, oil, pepe and the likes, mixed it up and started frying. we didnt know how to measure or fry after the first set got burnt, we did the next very well. it came out in funny shapes and sizes but the outcome was great and delicious, we shared with family and friends and now our story and stupid journey was worth it.
At this time 3:45am i thought to myself, even though everyone thinks I’m fulfilled, some think i have arrived and some dont even recognise me, my personal golas have not been achieved, though i might be confused and helpless but i will buy my beans, make my mixture, fry my akara and I wont stop trying! and the few i don’t get right i will seek help.

dont stop!!!!

AiSHa n JoSH~ episode 9

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The memories of how my father died played in my mind. It’s been 18years since the tragic accident happened and ever since, my mum and I never talked about it because none of us could understand why. I was just five years old but it was too dark an event not to remember.
My father was the only son of his parents just like my mum. They both met in college. After about 2years together, my mum got pregnant and they decided to keep it because both parents wanted more kids since they couldn’t conceive. A few months later, my maternal and paternal grandparents started having issues as my maternal’s blamed my father for hindering my mum’s career. My father didn’t agree to this. This constant disagreements threw my mum out of my grandparent’s house since my father didn’t have an apartment of his own. According to my mum, my father would come see her twice a day. He would rock me in his arms and even make sure I’m asleep at night before he leaves.
Katsina isn’t exactly big, but my father rode town to town daily just to see my innocent face. Finally, he got a good job in my mother’s hometown and rented an apartment. We lived and grew in it together till that dark night. We had no power in the area, I can remember vividly even though I was only five. We had used a broken lantern to light the house and had all slept off. I have no idea how the fire started but that’s how everything we had went down. My father saved me but had several burns and continual convulsion. The doctors said his lungs were damaged and even though his parents had a lot of money, it wasn’t enough at the time death came knocking. Abu Abubakar, my father, was 29 years old when he died in the state hospital. He died so I could live. Will I loose my mum too?
Dr Olu walked towards me and placed his hands on my shoulder. I shivered and cried. With eyes filled with tears, I looked into his eyes and asked with fear “please, where is my mother”?? They all chorused, “she went to get something”! It seemed like a planned response. I scream and fell to the ground. I must have fainted, because by the time I woke up, I had a blurred vision and severe headache. I could feel the heat from my body. My mother was there, she wore her white Jalabiyah, holding my feet and caressing them. I thought I had died too until I heard another voice. It was my aunt’s. She called on a nurse that I was awake. Then I wondered and then realised I was actually awake. “Mum, what happened”? I asked with anxiety. She responded “nothing, I only went to get you a small bag to put your purse”. She further asked “what happened my daughter? Are you ready to go home? Or don’t you want to go to Aunty Sidi’s place? All the questions, All her fears and worries, I just hugged her and smiled. I replied “nothing, I was just scared, I thought I had lost you. Please don’t ever leave me mum”.

Some doctors really need to learn how to give news, good or bad. I could have died or lost my mind, the thought of bearing that pain could have dropped my heart dead. The nurse had come back into the room with Dr Olu. He said jokingly, that I was full of drama and fear and that I needed to overcome my fear to avoid high blood pressure. He also pleaded with me not to hurt myself or my mum or even my offsprings. OFFSPRINGS??? I laughed out loud and couldn’t stop. I don’t intend getting married soon and even if I do, because of my mum, it won’t be anytime soon. He sat beside me and told me not to panic.

Dr Olu: Aisha, you know bad things happen to people for reasons only best known to God

Aisha: Yes, I do

Dr Olu: You have passed the test of time and fate, no one can hurt you again

Aisha: Oh yes, I believe insha Allah

Dr Olu: Good, so whatever happens next is God’s will right?

Aisha: Yes doctor 🙂

Dr Olu: Earlier today we were trying to tell you something but your fears made you believe it was because you lost your mum.

Aisha: Dr, I’m sorry, you all scared me

Dr Olu: I’m sorry about that

Aisha: No problem, I just want to go home. I’m feeling better

Dr Olu: Yes you will, but promise
me you won’t be afraid or worried

Aisha: I promise

Dr Olu: Thank you. We have checked all your vitals and they are in good shape. However, the STI is suppressed, you need to complete the doses and come back for check up or go to the referred hospital in lagos. We also did some very important tests for people in your condition and we are sorry to tell you that you are PREGNANT!

Aisha: What?!!! How is that possible??

Dr Olu: We are yet to find out but I’m hoping it’s your boyfriend

Shame and tears rolled down my eyes as I felt I had let my mum down AGAIN. She held me close and said the sweetest things to me. I am finished. Why are all these things happening to me? Why would fate choose this for me? Why? Why??

Then I remembered what I’ve tried so hard to forget, I was raped by four men. Joshua inclusive. Who is the father?????

kindly comment and share, thanks

THE WAKE UP CALL

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Good morning, at least there is something good about this morning, even though it might not be the same in another region but whichever situation we are, we should be grateful.

Let’s re-wind to about 40hours ago….

I was getting set with my friends and a cousin of them who just got in from the UK few days back, the aim was to show her the fun side of Nigeria, we were all looking fly and sexy. The gals in colorful dresses and the guy looking cool, ready to go storm the beach and have maximum fun. We were about leaving when i decided to update my status as usual, ..beach things.. Only for me to see about two updates saying there was a plane crash; to be sincere i wasn’t moved but then i decided to check twitter and that was all over my TL, I quickly asked a couple of people i know would have facts and they confirmed. I told the people around me in the house and they were so engrossed in the on-going match and no one paid attention.

We proceeded anyway, i couldn’t explain what was going through my mind. I was confused, sad, angered, disappointed, everything else but not excited. On the 3rd of June, 2012 a DANA AIR plane crashed into the streets of Iju-Ishaja at about 2pm with 153passagengers and 9crew members on board all these numbers are nothing compared to the numbers of lives and property lost in the past months due to terrorist attacks or accidents which all falls back to the Government as people already started blaming on twitter and every other social network.

At 4:50pm when i left the house, no local Television station was showing it, no media house was talking, no ambulance, no government parastatals at the scene, no help, nothing! And we hear rage and rants everywhere. I got to Elegushi beach and i kept wondering what if that plane crashed over my house, what if my friends are on that plane, what if what if, but my questions were never why.

I have grown to never question God for his actions, because he his merciful and all knowing, he will warn us and pet us. I am no better than the crashed, neither are you. But my anger is, why would this happen in this country, i am not wishing another country bad, my anger is why would a 29years old plane be allowed to fly? Why would there be houses and industries just around an airport, i might have not flown to many countries but research shows that many other countries have their airports very far away from town. Let’s agree the passengers boarded their coffin but are the ground men too living on coffins, am i walking on a ground coffin? Should i not sleep in peace because i live near the airport? Should i not transact businesses because my government is incapable? Should i live everyday as my last because by government is incompetent or because i fear God?

It has come to my notice on several occasions that life goes on after we are gone, no matter your status or figure, not minding what you have or have done, do people even have heart anymore, have we lived in a dark country with our black skin so much our souls are becoming dark, do we not cry anymore, no we not THINK anymore? Do we forget that DEATH is eminent and do we forget that there is an ETERNAL LIFE after DEATH where will would all answer to our DEEDS, this is not a matter of religion but a matter of compassion. Have you thought that your so-called cherish family could perish in a day or that one step you take today could be your last.

Let’s forget DEATH for a moment, since that’s certain, are we not ashamed anymore, have we not courtesy or fear, i was telling someone i felt bad because i had a dream δ day before about a plane crash but though i was hallucinating due to the Allied air that crashed in Ghana, this was the only reason my friend didn’t travel to Lagos that day(at least so he said) but whichever way, why would someone laugh at such things, i am not saying weep or feel sorry for me but do you ever remorse, another friend sent a funny broadcast as to

“U travel by road, A tanker will catch fire..by air, plane crashes..u sit in ur house,the plane will come and meet u, u go to church boko haram will attack u,u go by sea,militants will attack,u finally run to ur village,u r kidnapped..! No safe place in naija. Cotonue I see u=))”   just in-between the whole crisis as much has i tried to see sense in it, i couldn’t because of the last line and the sarcastic laugh symbol.

This is sad, we keep saying we are the leaders of tomorrow and we are not acting like one, you a graduate and cannot think of a good life for yourself, if your life ends, what the use of all the life you wasted? he that is DEAD is BETTER than he that is BORN. But BETTER than BOTH of them is he that NEVER EXISTED. We keep saying life is unfair but the fact that every human has to share the grace and pains of life is what defines the fairness of life.

What did the people at the scene do aside taking pictures, well at least they tried, but what about the fools that went there only to take pictures with the debris as background, what of those that took there time to compose unnecessary funny message just 24hours after the crash saying we need a little laugh. My dear brothers and sisters, what little laugh do we need?, when we do not have the basic amenities to a good life, when bombs from BOKO HARAM has become the norms to a particular elite, of what difference do the plane crash victims have to the past Bomb blast victims or is it that death now has class? If the FG had to declare 3days mourning after every incident/accident, won’t we be mourning every week? THINK! Its time to think, we shouldn’t be all about profits and fame keyword being ALL ABOUT we live life to survive and on this universe, its the survival of the fittest, nobody chose that.

Its a shame that what our fore fathers have worked for is beginning to collapse right before our eyes but what are we youths doing ? As we pray for our fore-fathers will our generation pray for us, we all updated our status and say #pray4Nigeria, how many of you actually did? . We all blame Jonathan and the likes, i am not sorry to say this is how they started, as bad sons and daughters, greedy friends and colleagues,incompetent class reps and SUGs, and the likes of us who know the right thing to do but hide in our abode, who keep quiet when we see bad planes and cars, who send worthless BCs but never take actions, who entered DANA Air to Uyo, Abuja, Lagos, Port Harcourt and saw or noticed something was wrong but didn’t deem it fit to send that broadcast then, you should THINK!

Ogundamisi said, he once sat in a plane with holes but never talked and prayed to grace and mercies of God just for safe landing, well he landed safe and i hope that plane never crash till they all banned. This is not a post to proffer solutions but to tell you that, weather you like it or not, this incidents are wake up calls; if not how come different people from at least every arms of the government ranging from, NUC, CBN, Ministries, Army, Military, NNPC, political parties and several business holders, people with different religions and faith, infants, married, just married, engaged, Ini the only child of her Old parent, Ibrahim the only hope of his father, the Chinese, Raju whose first trip to Nigeria brought his families and company sorrow. Please, let’s stop saying, let’s start acting! Nigerians are virus, so what we say or do spread fast, if you know or sense anything, just say. No government is ready to take care of us, its high time we joined hands together and save ourselves.

let it linger in the mind of those contractors, engineers, aviation managers, NCAA, MINISTRY OF AVIATION, DANA officials and ,many others involved that they have made a nation weep and they have dropped several heroes and hopes, let them know we might not know them by face but they will not rest or no peace for as long as the memory of June 3rd 2012 remains.

May God rest the dead, punish the cause, pray for Nigeria, and console their Families. AMEN!!

Gracias.

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i dont feel beautiful :(

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I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.

I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?

I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.

The last few weeks or so has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight especially in my cheeks and stomach area because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.

I don’t feel beautiful (well i feel ugly, but i won’t be pessimistic).

I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful even though people say i am.

I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? Of recent? No.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My friends,clients and colleagues like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am with an awesome person who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it i know i have an attractive body but the feeling of beauty, i just don’t have..

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is multicoloured skin . Just flaws. The flaws that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.

I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But we have to take care of ourselves, use your lotion, drugs, eat Good food,drink a lot of water, exercise well and apply all the necessary makeups. In the last few months have been working so hard and earning as deserved but i can count how many new good things i have in my closet, i was forced to shop last week but i was too busy to do it, i don’t even take good care of my hair anymore, how will i? When i don’t even have a body cream. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m careless about it, so its leaving me for someone else 3-|

So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was black or ugly (i L♥√ع dark skinned girls, but i L♥√ع my old brown sugar self) but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.

So i took a test….

what’s your opinion 😀