DATING outside marriage…

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In the generation before ours, and in the generation before the generation before ours, there were people – men and women – who questioned if marital fidelity truly existed. And now, in this generation, here I am, among many others, questioning the same issue, wondering if it is just an ideology instead of an actual day of life.

There have been many cases of married men who have come to speak the words to me that in their heads, no woman can say no to: I want to marry you. There have been men who have tried to pretend to be unmarried, men who have said they are unmarried but quickly explained why their wives have made it an unbearable marriage, and why I, have been sent by God to save them, and there have been men who have sat on the fence, not saying what they are or aren’t, but playing with the idea of being whatever they thought I wanted them to be. But every single time, I am left wondering what kind of women they are married to and what said women are going through.

I remember specifically the case of that guy at Oriential, i went for a “fund raising event”. He had just moved to the Island from another State, and it was his first time at a fund raising event. He approached me and tried to sell his business to me, saying he could help my own business. At the end, business cards were exchanged. Apparently, he was a friend of a colleague. That evening he called and sang a different song. He wanted to know if he could take me to dinner, and if I could be his mistress. Brownie points for not being pretentious.

I learned a lot from him in that one conversation. I learned that he was married with kids, that his wife was pompous and thereby, the inherent cause of his displeasure and dissatisfaction, that monogamy was unnatural, that biblical men were never monogamous (like David), that infidelity actually makes a marriage stronger because when a man sleeps with another woman, it makes his wife more desirable, that he was going to give me money out of his school stipend whenever I needed it, that all I needed to do for him was keep him company by cooking for him, going on dates with him, and of course, letting him invade my privacy with the only appendage that makes him think he’s a man, and finally, that he will let me get married when it’s time. It was just the offer of my dreams. I cannot imagine why I turned it down.

But it was only a couple weeks later that he stood on the altar and sold his product to the crowd, praising the Most High God, and saying how imperative it was to live a holy life and obey His word. And the congregation, they clapped for him and shouted wowza, amen, and glory. And when he was done, they invested their hard earned money into his cock shit which was meant to inspire and raise more funds for the widowed and orphans. They called it a sowed seed. I knew better. I sat and watched in horror as he led God’s people astray. And then, I prayed for God to help me, for it was not my place to determine if the ground should open up and swallow him or if lightening should strike through the ceiling and transport his soul to his forefathers.

There are many arguments from the other side, arguments that pass off as excuses, not justifications. Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. But the other side, they have different reasons why a married man cheats. It is because his wife has gotten fat, because she cares more about her career than she does about her home, because she did not give him children, because she did not give him male children, because she is disrespectful and not submissive, because she does not cook, and because there are women who are willing to be cheated with.

As long as there are women who are willing to be cheated with, married men will always cheat. Should we then all point guns to our heads because there are guns willing to be shot, because we have the hands to shoot them, and because we have enough problems to want to end it all? When a man who is unable to handle the trials of life decides to take his own life, he is called a punk for taking the easy way out. But if this same man were to take the easy way out by cheating on his wife instead of just walking away, he is called *DRUM ROLL, PLEASE* … a man! Oh, but of course.

It was only few months after pastor perfect marriage, that I made the acquaintance of Adebayo Omoju Akanni at a mutual friend’s house. He calls himself Omoju. He was there with his wife and daughter. The conversation between me and Omoju did not go past gadgets. Specifically, Blackberry and samsung tabs. I saw him again a couple of weeks later at a naming ceremony where again, he inquired of my tab. When he added me on Facebook, I accepted because he was now officially someone I technically knew.

But Omoju sent me a Facebook message that changed the dynamic of things. He said he had dreamt about me twice the night before, that he thought there was something about me, that he did not know how to tell his partner, that he wanted me to keep his feelings between us –“no third party please” – and what did I think. I did not reply.

When followers on twitter added me on bbm during the chat with me on a saturday morning, I accepted everyone as usual, only to realize that Omoju was one of the people who added me. The hawk had sneaked in with the chickens. He wanted to know my number, if I had received his messages on Facebook, why I had not replied his messages, and if I was worried about his marital status. I promised to reply his message on Facebook.

Days later, I had still not replied Omoju, and he took it upon himself to send several more messages, inquiring of my whereabouts and stating that he was sure I could not possibly be that busy. Of course not. What else could I have on my to-do list, but to reply Omoju’s messages?

Women have more reasons than I know of for dating married men: money, sex, love, infatuation, good looks, prestige, fun, lack of commitment, ignorance, etc. It is said that if one must eat a frog, then one should eat a very fat one. Neither wealth nor fame nor extreme good looks nor intellectual acquisition did Omoju have. Even at rock bottom, I would have no excuse. But what is it that compels his confidence?

When I replied his message and included a four-letter word that rhymes with his insatiable meatless appendage – the possible cause of all his problems – I also predicted his next move. And just like the fly that entered the grave with the dead body, he did as I said he would. He said it was not him, that he did not know what I was talking about, that his Facebook and Skype accounts were both simultaneously hacked, and that I should please explain to him what was going on. In spite of his alleged innocence, he went ahead to call several mutual friends, telling them to plead his guilty case. The smart ones knew better.

Whether or not women have – by their words and by their actions – enabled their husbands to start illicit affairs is not a subject for debate. The honest ones among us know what we have done and what we are capable of doing. That said, the decision to stay faithful and stick it out or seek pleasure elsewhere is still the man’s decision. It is still a choice, and just like every other choice, the one making it has to own full responsibility for it. And not every man has an enabling wife. Some men just want to eat out of both hands.

Omoju’s wife contacted me to commit the ultimate blunder, an epic fail in its entirety. Her husband, according to her, would never stoop so low. I agree with her. It is impossible to stoop to any kind of low when you are already at the bottom. There is only one time that a married woman should contact the alleged other woman, and that is when her husband has done everything in his power to get rid of her. In any other case, contacting the other woman is like changing her light bulb when there is no electricity. Whether she uses sixty watts, hundred watts, or halogen lights, they will remain off. She can contact the other woman from now till kingdom come, but he who contacts her last, contacts her best. And that would be the cheating husband. Even after this unexplanable act, Omoju still calls me princess and tells ma how unappealing and disrespectful is beautiful glowing wife is.

If this entire piece reads as if I mostly hold the married man accountable for his affairs, it is because I do. Morally, it is clear that no woman should be romantically or sexually involved with a married man who is not her husband. But between the lawless woman and the married man, only one of them has made a vow and commitment to another woman saying that he will forsake all others and cling only to his wife, saying that he will stick by her, come what may, till life evades him. Records will reflect that that person is not the lawless woman.

People may be quick to blame the other woman, calling her a whore and a home breaker, but it is from the crack in the wall that the lizard crawls in. If the married man did not open the door of his home, the other woman would not be able to step in and do whatever she is accused of doing.

And if you are the whore, hoe, magstress he is cheating with, he will dump you and if he doesnt, remember, the stroke used for the first son is in keep for the last. But what do I know? I am just an unmarried girl giving marital advice. I may soon be directed to go hug a transformer. If it is Optimus Prime, then I would not mind.

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for a cause… and applause…

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Six a.m on my bed,

I check my phone, click on messages and notifications.

A ping comes in. “hey whatsup with you?” he says.

“Oh, im cool and you.”

“That’s nice,” he says. Doesn’t know the details, but knows im fine.

Your blog has been nominated in two categories you know?

“oh really?, where?”

on nigerian bloggers award.

FOR BEST WRITING BLOG AND BEST PERSONAL BLOG

Each day starts with blogging. More than writing posts, I read, like, comment. reply.

Sometimes, one comment, sometimes back and forth. It takes time for me and them.

I don’t click “like” unless I’ve read the post. And I”d rather go to their website to click. It raises their hits.

I’ll write a poem, post a quote, compose an essay. Then go to my files. find the right shot, upload that.

Not on a daily, trying not to overload my readers with too many posts.

I had no clue how much I’d enjoy a community of creatives. Writers, poets, artists, humorists, explorers of their inner and outer worlds.

Social media? Yes, but not like Facebook and not like Twitter.

Blogging is people taking the time to write or photograph or paint their lives, their loves, their passions.

It’s people finding others who share these lives, loves, passions.

Or, learning about lives different from their own. My own.

It’s richness in a smaller world. A world that will never be the same for me since I started my blog.

SO CLICK AND VOTE NOW, YOU ALL DESERVE IT AND GOT M’ADE HERE, THIS IS AIMED AT INCREASING INSIGHTS AND VIEWS OF OUR READERS!

Have a Wonderful Wednesday!!!

inspired by: largeself.

Meeting the(my) Dentist

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You know they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right? Well yea!

Sunday night was hell, I kept myself distracted by pinging and tweeting(remember I said social network can be your best friend or worst enemy) just the way it has brought me to blogging, it was about to bring me cure.

A lot of my friends and followers sympathised with the way I related my threshold of pain in English, Gibberish, French, Science, Art and even Comedy. They probably thought I was joking until I asked @Giditraffic where i can get the best dentist. Let me rewind!

I started following @Giditraffic after he won the future awards and ever since he’s been of great help. He actually inspires me and sometimes I beef him (positive beefing sha). Back to the story.

Before I came back from the toilet, my mention was flooded with a lot of suggestion and links on how I can the best treatment. I was wowed with a “private dental clinic on Opebi and #LASUTH Ikeja”. It was a bit confusing as to who and whom to trust. I didn’t go with my heart nor my brain, my bank account chose for me. I decided to go with #LASUTH, since it is a government hospital and would definitely be cheaper. Good use of social network… Thank you @Giditraffic! Finding my way to #LASUTH on monday morning was challenge 1. I asked @Giditraffic again and yes, my mention was flooded. In about an hour, I was in #LASUTH nice and easy. The ride there was terrific but I was hopeful, no gallop or crazy conductor can ruin my day more than this ache in my ear, throat n gum.

I got to the Dental clinic’s reception but was denied any attention saying; I have to come before 8am to be attended to. Well, i didn’t know this beforehand and I can’t go all the way back to the island after missing work plus this pain?? No way! She just looked at me in a very disgusting way and walked out on me. I kept my cool and walked pass the dental rooms, making sure one of the doctors saw me, one finally caught my eye and I spoke immediately. “Sir, please I wasn’t well attended to and I need something to help me with my pain till tomorrow” I said with a teary eye. He smiled and promised it was going to be okay, asked me to get aspirin and come early the next day.

Of course, I fed my twitter fans (smiles and bats lashes) with my gist. I got several “get well soon” messages. I was feeling the attention 😀 at least it was distracting me from the pain.

Tuesday, 11th september, 2012 I rose up to defeat that woman that was beefing me because I kacked up to the hospital. No matter how sick I am, I look good (you know, Mr right might just be on the road), she should just deal with it. I got there in my jean and black top and my printed tuxedo jacket. Not minding her sad face, I got my appointment card and sat at the reception patiently waiting for my name/number to be called. Finally, after 3 hours of waiting and meeting a couple of people that I knew through the #ProjectIMMADE Campaign and few of my clients(I’m becoming popular o), I was at the doctor’s reception waiting for my turn. As usual, I had to protest some cheating that was going on, there and then someone else knew me; it was MIMs (olufemi) we’ve been virtual friends for a while. I didn’t even recognise him, I didn’t realise he was that young man. I have been eyeing the guy since I got to the doctor’s reception. Girls sha, someone I use to form for on twitter and bbm, I’ve been scoping him all morning (let’s hope he’s not reading this).

I got into the doctor’s room, sat on the dental chair, related all my issues with him, had them checked and was asked to take an X-ray. He insinuated that the upper flap would be cut and that I might have to undergo surgical extraction. Erm that is Dr Imade talking. He’s sweet, friendly, patient, loving, nice and all. The attributes you find in a doctor and a man. In about 2hrs of consultation and testing, we had talked about a lot of things including marriage. Well sadly, he was married. He got married in May 😦 .
After all the testings, he scheduled me for an emergency surgery the next day, 3pm on wednesday, 12th of september. I went in for the supposed surgery, I was relaxed and comfortable because I trusted my doctor, MIMs was there with me *winks*. I was supposed to go through the normal surgery, after been administered anaesthetic. But after 3 doses, I still was feeling pain in some parts of my mouth. Of course I don’t take alcohol or smoke but I just wasn’t responding. Dr Imade decided to give me one more dose and go in immediately, he promised not to do normal procedure because that would leave me out of work for 2weeks but will try some magic. To cut the long story short, his magic worked and I returned home. That night was the worst night ever. I thought my ear was going to explode but after two doses of Ibrophen and 5hours of grunting, I felt better. My gum is still sore, the stitch still hurts but its day 4 and I feel better already. Dr Imade still calls me twice a day to check up on me.

Moral of the story, I L♥√ع my doctor and the way he has handled his patients. If Doctors can be that nice, performing magic on patients would be a lot more magical. *wink wink*

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Father, Dadddy or Both?

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Good morning Blog-ville, how was the weekend?

I really should have posted this yesterday but i got so occupied, am so sorry.

Yesterday, June 17th,2012 was father’s day; HAPPY FATHER’S DAY.

It was a calling for me and many others as i noticed through their updates, tweets, Facebook messages and numerous broadcasts, i almost called my father or at least text him but then my ego or lets say pride wont let me, don’t blame me i learnt that from him. i love my father, no doubt, i miss him so much but not enough to let go of my ego, he though me that too. (karma.. lol)

Back to the topic, father-daddy-both; which are you? which do you have? which will you be? which will you have?

A father: is defined as the male parent or individual progenitor of human offspring

To father: a verb is to procreate or to sire a child from which also derives the gerund fathering.

Traditionally, fathers act in a protective, supportive and responsible way towards their children. Involved fathers offer developmentally specific provisions to their sons and daughters throughout the life cycle and are impacted themselves by their doing so. Active father figures may play a role in reducing behavior and psychological problems in young men and women. An increased amount of father–child involvement may help increase a child’s social stability, educational achievement, and their potential to have a solid marriage as an adult.

The above concluding that a father’s role is very important in a child’s life.

prayers for those who lost theirs and kudos to those who took their place.

Daddy is an affectionate, familiar term, form of direct address, or nickname for a father.

DADDY IS THE RESPONSIBLE, PROTECTIVE AND SUPPORTIVE ROLE OF A FATHER

This is where i am going, being a father doesn’t necessarily mean your are a daddy and vice vars a, usually there’s a misconception but truly a daddy is more daring, desiring and chilling than a father, a father sounds and is more forceful, like the only reason is to bring you to the world, of course anyone can be a father (if fertile or potent) but not everyone is or will be a daddy (be it fertile or potent) fatherhood entails the role of daddy-hood but most men have lost this in the trance of worldly views and ego.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special mind to be a daddy- m’ade

A lot of fathers have become irresponsible and nonchalant, usually from hate of mother or just the natural sense of not caring, leaving their roles for another man or mostly the woman to handle forgetting the above said of how a child’s life is dependent on how he/she is being raised and believing that no matter what the child would home to them, contrary to this assumptions or believe many of them are at the loosing end, leaving child to waste away or having them struggle, molested by the new father or even being robed.

A father doesn’t always have to be there as we have late-father, absent-father, sperm donor, baby-daddy as the case maybe. A father’s love should be genuine and always forthcoming, there should be full sense of responsibility and remorse when he cant meet up, a father should be aware and current of the child’s situation. All these are and more are what qualifies him as a daddy.

A good father would not manage a company and let it crumble or govern a state with a heartless mind, let alone president a black country with black days and night, watch the video Michelle Obama made for Obama yesterday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tz28tO2IIeM

All these starts from now, all the uncaring, nonchalant and heart act of treating people, handling situations and answering questions leads to the father in you, the father you will be and the father you possess. This is not one sided, this goes to both male and female.

You cannot and shouldn’t hate a child because of the mother, don’t marry someone you don’t want to see a child in, do not bring to this cruel world a child you will not be responsible for, because it is even a sin to be irresponsible, whatever becomes of your child, good or bad, you shall be accountable for by the almighty.

when a father gives to his son, both laugh, when a son to his father, both cry – William Shakespeare

It is a wise father who knows his child.  But maybe it’s a very wise child who takes time to know his father – Anonymous

A wise son maketh a glad father- Proverbs 10:1

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence -Budington Kelland

The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him. Proverbs 20:7 

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.  ~Author Unknown

These are the Muslim men I want my son to grow up to be like, and for your sons to grow up to be like — full of love, wit, compassion and generosity, with a deep respect for women, and a commitment to serving God by serving humanity.

As a Muslim father, I must shoulder an enormous responsibility, both fiscal and religious, and this responsibility is first encountered before I even have any children at all.-Hesham A. Hassaballa

Failing to provide for the children after divorce will not only get a Muslim father in trouble with the authorities, but he will also get into very big trouble with God Almighty.Hesham A. Hassaballa

lastly:
“All of you are shepherds, and you are all responsible for your flocks. The father in his home is a shepherd, and he is responsible for his flock…” The word in Arabic for “responsible” is mas’ul. This word also means “that about which one will be asked.” Thus, the tradition can also be translated as, “The father in his home is a shepherd, and he will be asked by God about his flock.”

my breakup letter

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If there is anything I have learnt from being in a relationship, it is the fact that a lot of times, once one partner realizes the other loves him/her, he/she begins to act out. What is it with them? I have taken the time to write a letter of anger to my partner who thinks life will not go on without him in my life.

My Dear, It has been months since we started this sick, twisted, strange and perverted saga that we stupidly call a relationship, and I am yet to see the benefits. Ok, maybe there has been some benefits (in the beginning and a little now), but the fact that we have both invested reasonable amounts of our time into this will not stop me from putting a screeching halt to it. I did it before and I will proudly and happily do it again without a second thought. This is exactly what happened between me and my ex; as soon as he realized I was in love with him and dependent on him, he decided to start malfunctioning. Yes, I said it… malfunctioning.
You always say how much you love me and how much you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but instead, all you do is break my heart every chance you get. Either that or you embarrass me in private or in public. I have tried so hard to make this work just because I love you. I take your insults and inadequacies simply because I love you and also because I foolishly think you will change. Every time you mess up, you apologize, I take you back and you do it again. In case you have not noticed, you’re not the only man out there, so if you are not ready to commit to me in the manner that I deserve, then I advice you find love some place else.
Tell me, what is it you want that I have not given you? What is it that I have not done for you? You are with me practically 24/7 (in thought), so you cannot possibly say I abandon you. You are the first person I talk to when I wake up, and the last person I talk to before I go to bed. I cater to you like all men wish their women would do, and I have never for one day mistreated you. I respond to your every need no matter when, where, and how. I find myself doing things that I never thought I would do, yet you have the effrontery to treat me like I’m nothing. Why? Did you find someone else? Are you in love with someone else? It is only a matter of time before she realizes what a pain you are and will continue to be. You’re a liability and I am sick and tired of your instability. You either change or we are over… for real this time. I was brought on this earth for many reasons; you are not my sole purpose and mission on earth. God put me on earth to be many things to many people; I am my parents’ daughter, I am my friends’ friend, I will be somebody’s wife, I will be the mother of some future children, I will be the author of the book someone will be reading in the future, I am a youth corper, I am a NOKIA customer, and I am even a Yahoo! and MSN account holder, so you see, you’re really not even my priority.

😀
So my dear blackberry touch, if you think you can keep tripping off when you feel like it or not ringing when you don’t feel like it, then you have another thing coming for you. For your information, you are not the only phone out there; yes, AT&T has other mobile phones, there is androids and many new Samsung, even apple is killing me to empty my bank account, just wait till AUGUST when I’m due for an upgrade… I will really show you!

:p told ya’ll am single, what were you expecting? huh? HAVE TWISTLESS TUESDAY!

 

Lost art of conversation

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In behavior, culture, parenting, Technology, urban life, life, domestic life, family, children

At home, families sit together, texting and reading e-mail. At work executives text during board meetings. We text (and shop and go on Facebook) during classes and when we’re on dates…

We’ve become accustomed to a new way of being “alone together.” Technology-enabled, we are able to be with one another, and also elsewhere, connected to wherever we want to be. We want to customize our lives. We want to move in and out of where we are because the thing we value most is control over where we focus our attention. We have gotten used to the idea of being in a tribe of one, loyal to our own party.

One of the rituals I enjoy with my friends is the few moments i get to share with them when i leave work before heading to my house or the weekends just before we go out. This 30minutes physical conversation always bring life into what we share…

But sitting across the table from someone, sharing a glass of wine or cup of coffee, seems to have become an unimaginable luxury. How else can we ever get to know one another? New things happen everyday That take a lot of trust and courage. I don’t think most of us would want to share such intimacy only through a computer or phone screen.

I love road trips, 4-6 hours with my friends or family. You get a lot said, and the silences are companion-able and even when am travelling alone, i make new friends..

Recently, i threw a birthday party and for the first few hours there were only few people. Instead of meeting and networking, everyone was busy on the blackberry social media pinging, tweeting and facebooking. When did we finally lose the touch of meeting people and walking up to them. How many of your  contacts have you actually met or how many do we even call.

At a point i though it was the DJ but then, i realised it wasn’t because if you came with your friend and another with his girlfriend and they can’t take that time to connect or have a lovely conversation. Then truly conversation is lost. After i shuffled them and mixed people up, then conversation started, mostly like a reunion for some and a new meet for others.

Now, a guy sees a girl he likes and usually, he should walk up to her, all he does is ask for her pin or facebook name. Its getting more awkward by the day as we all focus and measure the amount of L♥√ع someone has for us by this social network aided by TECHNOLOGY forgetting that most people don’t remember you until facebook reminds them or there’s a mention on twitter and mostly updates on bbm.

I cannot stand a month virtual conversation without a meet, only exceptions of very long distances. And that’s when i can share my mobile number with you, so i can place a voice to that personality
.
As you can see, conversation is my oxygen. I love meeting fun new people and hearing their stories.

Do you make time in your life now for face to face conversations?

With whom and how often?

If not, do you miss them?

Friend with Benefits

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I find the notion of “friends with benefits” (FWB) or people who aren’t dating or otherwise committed to each other but hook-up regularly quite fascinating. In university, I had many friends who were involved in such arrangements, but rarely were they actually friends with their FWB. In almost every instance that I recall a FWB relationship was never the goal, but always the last resort for the girl. If a girl really liked a guy who wasn’t interested in a relationship, the girl would often continue to hook-up with him while implementing a subtle and devious plan designed to change his mind. This plan was generally as follows:

Stage 1: Girl engages in “no strings-attached” sex with the boy in order to prove how cool, chill, and awesome in bed she is.

Stage 2: Girl increases amount of daily texts and online communication with the boy.

Stage 3: Girl begins sneakily trying to spend the night at boy’s place. Excuses may include “I’m so exhausted, you totally wore me out…do you mind if I just spend the night here?” or “My roommate is having her crazy loud friends over again- last time they didn’t leave until 4 am and I really need a good night’s sleep…can I just crash here?” Cue the incessant spooning.

Stage 4: Now that girl has established a somewhat regular nightly presence at the boy’s place it’s time to make that presence known. If the boy has room mates the girl will be mingling with them while they awkwardly try to make their morning coffee. At this stage the girl will also become territorial over the boy’s bedroom. She will try to leave subtle reminders of her presence to ward off any other potential women that the boy may be involved with.
I have had so many guys ask me why girls are so forgetful: “Don’t they realize that they’re missing like five pairs of underwear, a t-shirt, their toothbrush, a comb, and a bunch of lotion-type-girly stuff I have no idea about?” Oh yes, they realize. They know exactly what they’re doing. They want any other girl that you bring home to know that you’re already more seriously involved with someone else. A guy could go weeks without noticing the earrings that were strategically forgotten on the night stand or the issue of Cosmopolitan that has miraculously appeared in the bathroom along with a pile of potpourri, but trust me, these things will not go unnoticed by other women.

Stage 5: Since the domicile has been effectively canvassed, it’s time to take this show on the road and start being “accidentally spotted” together with the boy in public. Cue the emergency ride to class, the “I’m starving, want to grab breakfast…at the most jam-packed place in town where ALL of our friends hang out?” And my personal favorite…the fake-a-date emergency. This is a classic and is not novice move. In this scenario there is some semi-formal event like a dance, a company function, a wedding- something that you would typically require a date. The novice will ask her boy to accompany her “just for fun- not as a couple or anything.” The boy will see right through this and will immediately decline by giving her the first excuse that pops into his head. The expert will create an entire back-story, and will often start laying the groundwork weeks before hand. For instance, a couple of weeks before said event she may mention that she has invited someone to attend with her. If no signs of jealousy from the boy ensue, a few days later she may mention how her invitee is starting to get clingy- she may even be starting to get concerned that he’ll want a relationship. If her boy toy still makes no attempt to intervene there will inevitably be a dramatic event that leads to her breaking the date. Maybe the invitee did something completely inappropriate (points for acting like you have self-respect) or perhaps he was just way too into her (points for being irresistible AND for being too cool to commit). Now she’s without a date to the event, all because she is just a cool, chill, fun girl who likes to have casual sex! No fair…”Maybe we should just go together,” she’ll say to her FWB. “That way we won’t be expecting anything from one another and we’ll just get drunk and party…I mean we’re both going anyway, why not just carpool and save money on gas and parking?” Seems reasonable, thinks the boy. He might be sweating a bit but reluctantly agrees because you can’t argue with logic (#1 boy rule- just FYI ladies). Here’s where it gets messy. The girl spends an unreasonable amount of money and time getting all dolled up to blow his mind and stealthily instructs ALL of her friends to take tons of photos (both candid and posed) of her and her FWB to later post, tag, like, and comment on later on Facebook. They get to the event and it’s like they’ve been hunted down by the paparazzi. But it only gets better, because that’s when alcohol gets involved. The boy drinks because he is started to realize what a terrible mistake he’s made and the girl drinks so that she’ll have an excuse for all of the shenanigans she is about to pull. First comes that “hahaha omg I’m so drunk, I’m going to hold on to you so I don’t fall” then comes the “let’s dance! It will be so fun! Oh how embarrassing…I didn’t know it was going to be a slow song…” and the inevitable “Let’s take a picture…OH WHOOPS I kissed your cheek…total accident, my bad” (as she uploads it as her new Facebook profile picture).

Stage 6: Boy realizes he has made a terrible mistake and decides that it’s time to reevaluate the relationship with his FWB. Maybe the boy will just stop talking to her completely, or maybe he will continue to see her but will flaunt his escapades with other women in front of her to make sure that she knows that they are in no way monogamous. Either way, the girl usually ends up crying on the phone to me about it. “I don’t know why he is acting this way! It was more than just sex…I know he cared about me…I think it just got too real for him.”

The message here ladies is that a FWB arrangement is not an effective solution for getting a boy to commit to you. However, it does raise an intriguing question: If a girl was to enter into a FWB arrangement purely for the purpose of getting some action, with no hopes at all of having a traditional relationship evolve, could it work? I have read articles that claim that women experience a biological reaction post-sex that causes them to have feelings of attachment that mimic those of love for their partner. If this is true, and women really are simply victims to the girly chemicals in their brains, then it seems that a FWB arrangement could never be a solution for sexual satisfaction without those pesky emotional attachments. I am hesitant however, to accept this seemingly sexist and weakly supported science. Being attracted to someone is not the same as having feelings for them, and having sex is not the same as being in love. What do you think? Can friends with benefits arrangements actually be beneficial for girls?

Credits: K