Aisha n Josh 11

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Months after leaving the hospital, trying to reach Josh with no success my mum went to his mother’s house, the response was inhuman as usual, I’ve never known anything good of this woman, i understand she’s being protective of her son but I’ve known her to be reckless, sad and wicked. Even though i warned my mum not to go all the way, we just had to try our luck.
The decision to keep the child wasn’t just my decision or my mum’s, Dr Olu also advised it, he had said trying to get rid of it wasn’t only sinful but dangerous considering the state of my health. I have been living at my aunt’s place growing lean and sick by the day, as much as i tried to console myself i couldn’t but find myself in tears day in day out.
Days passed, months flew, the arrival of my wonder child was fast approaching, mother left all her work in kogi, took the last 6weeks off to stay with me at Aunty’s house since her husband was out of the country. Together we went to Ibadan to get a referral letter and also to see my therapist, i was due in 5weeks but it looked like i was going drop the baggage in no time. Just before i said my goodbyes to Dr Olu and smiling at his promise to see me immediately i deliver. I gazed towards the corridor. I saw Aman and his grandmother, i tried to rush back into the doctor’s office but my mum was already behind me. I was shy and ashamed.
“Hi Aisha, how have you been? I always ask of you from Dr olu, do you remember me?”. “Of course i do, Aman right?” Yes, your are right. I have missed your innocent face. Not so innocent as you can see, showing him my big belly. Oh my God! You are almost popping, do you need me to carry you? He said as he laughed. Some how i genuinely smiled back “I’m perfect, i carried myself all the way from lagos” lagos?! Why come here for clinic all the way from Lagos? No i didn’t come for clinic, i came for a letter and also for my finally session. I’m good to go, not coming here except necessary.
Oh, so i won’t see you here again? That’s not nice acceptable. He smiled looking at my mum. Dear ma, can i marry your daughter? So i can always see her. She just giggled and said; as you can see, she’s more than married so just don’t waste your time. We all walked towards the car saying goodbyes, i knew he was the only friend i had made in 8months and i wanted to keep in touch, i gave him my number and email address, he promised to always check me whenever he is in Lagos.
The referral letter was for deferring my admission in cyprus, i had gotten the admission letter one month earlier, i wasn’t exactly happy but my mum was, she said having my child wouldn’t stop me from being who i want to be and that i would leave my son with her when I’m strong enough to travel. I don’t even know if its proper or if i would care. I do not in any way feel anything for this child i carry, i always imagined it come to pass (the love of a mother) but now its here, i can’t feel it. I have tried to, i have read a lot of books and my therapist had tried, my last session was full of pretence and promising words. I hope soon, when i have him, i can get hold of the Lā™„āˆšŲ¹ and make it happen. If its not too late.
Aman has been a great caller and now i have something doing on social networks because we chat all the time. He would always pester me for my due date, teasing that he wants to be there for me and how much he cares about me. He obviously asked about the father but i didn’t think he had the right to know. I just wanted to keep my story to myself and the few people that knew. The only thing is how much he makes me laugh and i know secretly my mum appreciates him, because when I’m on the computer chatting and laughing out loud, she automatically knows its him.
On the 17th of september 2010 something life changing happened to me..

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Aisha n Josh ~ episode 10

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I was dumbfounded, I looked up to God and asked him WHY? Am not worried, no one should. There’s too much already to handle; the scars, the stigma, the change, rejection, fear and lost of hope. I was only 23, I had my masters waiting for me in Cyprus. I had promised my mum I would make her proud but Alas, I can’t do any of these anymore.
If only I had gone straight to the conference and never branched Josh‘s house, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be here today. Just maybe!
I had to be strong. My life has taken a sudden turn, I knew my mum wouldn’t support abortion but I had to try. She was quiet the whole time, I was afraid of what she’ll utter next. She’s never been this quiet or sober. Even when dad died, she spoke her mind and consoled me. But today, she was just staring into space, no tears, no words.

This silence raised my fears and I just wanted to run away. I wish I knew about the pregnancy myself and just got rid of it before anyone found out. The worst had happened to me in 6weeks, nothing can hurt more. My stitches were still healing, I still had minor TBI and I was still afraid of guys in groups. “I don’t know where to start from”. Finally, she spoke! She cursed! She cried! She swore on the day she had me and said, whoever did this to me would know no peace. She yelled and all her anger was all out at once. I could feel it in my body, how every fibre of my being wanted to crush Josh. Since the incident, she hadn’t said anything about Josh (guess she was just trying to make me happy and not make me think thoughts).

Dr Olu left us to have our family time. My aunt was out with her husband to get fresh air. I presumed they knew before agreeing to welcome me to their home. For the first time, my mum turned red on me, she shouted at me and blamed me for bringing her to this point, embracing her with my attitude and mistakes. Making it known to me how much she is trying not to blame me and help me because of my TBI but the reality remains. I have kept too much secrets and that’s why I’m in this dark maze. She said everything and I appreciated it. In fact I felt more relieved at this, than the silence. I hate quiet people, they scare me and they scare me even now more than ever.
Josh is very out going and much more of an extrovert but he’ll never tell you what he is planning or up to and that’s why it was easy for him to keep so much away from me and I didn’t even notice. Now I’m left all alone. Josh is half way across the world, I can’t even reach him. Its only wise we agree fast and abort the pregnancy. I believe God would forgive us(me). My mum broke the silence again; “so what do you want”?
Me: Abortion! I exclaimed.
Mum: What? Have you had one before?
Me: No, No, No. I just think its the best option.

She obviously was not in support, she must have given it some thought but never expected me to say it or even think about it. We had a really long silence until my aunt came in to remind us Lagos is a long drive and it was getting late. Xxxxx my hospital room, the nurses, the caterers, and especially Doctor Olu. He practically saved my life. I had a lot of cards and friends. Walking through my therapy hall (dialysis and chemo) was awesome, but tears dropped. A lot of these people I met, some died, others I’m leaving here, who am I to choose my own fate? Who am I to question God? Who am to kill an innocent soul?. But who am I not to demand a better life??.

Dear M’ADE readers, please what would you advice? Do I keep it and hope it’s Josh’, or do I keep it and leave in the mystery of finding the rapist and then identify the father of my unborn child long after its born? Or do I get rid of it and start afresh??? Please help me! My mum and I are confused!
….

AISHA n JOSH…. episode 3

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Last week, I used a picture to represent Josh and I and obviously that’s not our picture but it gives a description of how we were then, JOSHUA is a tall muscular, fair guy, he his very hairy and good looking, hails from the western region and lived in the east just before his father became an Evangelist in a church in Kogi were we met.

Let me give a brief history:

I, Aisha is the only child of my Mother who is the only child of her parent, I am hausa from Abdalawa in Katsina Lat 13.16 Long 7.9 with population of about 195,000 people mostly women and children residing in the town. Farming and cow rearing is a major occupation but my mother is a business woman, she distributes Dangote products and is friends with a lot of business men and women in Kogi State, that’s how we moved to Kogi and she made me school somewhere close, i was very young and smart, i had idea in almost everything, science was and is my darling and would fall for anyone who played the role of Daddy since i lost mine when I was just 11 šŸ˜¦ i never knew a large family, i was used to the little i had and was always grateful, i practise Islam and did all required except that i got carried away as a teenager, had friends but never partied or clubbed until i met Josh because that was his way of life, it occurred to me i missed out a lot but i still caught up with many.

Josh on the other hand, is the first of 6children and so much was expected of him at the time he was just 25 had 5 siblings looking up to him, a mother who believed in him and a father who is always expecting, Despite our messy lives we still held on to family and each time he speaks of his, i always wished i had one to talk about. He works for an advertising company and did his MSc has part time, he might not be the born again Christian but will always pray, go to church and do the norms, he has invited me to sunday services several times but i always find excuses.

Its been 5months into our very undefined relationship and we were both always trying to define it but it leads to one argument or the other, he started to introduce me to friends as his girlfriend and i was now free to talk about him to my girlfriends, i even mentioned him to my mom but she wasn’t in full support of the relationship, this i knew because she never asked after him. I didn’t mind because i was sure he now loved me and cared about me and would always make me smile. Josh never stopped his romantic ways and he never stopped how we started off, every day was lived freshly and lively.

Soon before i was due to go home for the long break, Josh took me to his parents house, we were in for about an hour or two, we talked about how we would miss each other at a point i cried because he was also almost done with his master’s programming and was planning to take a job in Cyprus but wasn’t sure yet. The end was the only thing i saw in our relationship, to be honest i wasn’t hopeful at all, a lot of friends and colleagues have never seen us going past 3months, even though we made it past that. As we were talking and giggling with him assuring me he wasn’t going to leave me and telling me how much he now loves and respects me, his mum walked in.

She is tall, dark and fat, i had to look up at her, knelt down and greeted her, she was busy talking on the phone and didn’t respond, i didn’t take any offence but after like 10-15mins of her wandering about the house i thought to myself, she should have noticed me by now, but guess she didn’t. Josh was no longer by my side, she had told him to get something, then i greeted her again. Her words were ” i thought you were dumb” i responded with down spirit that i greeted her but she was on the phone. She smiled and asked of my name, just then Josh came in and told her i was Kemi. I looked up from where i knelt and he gave the “shut up i’ll explain sign”. I smiled back at her and she started speaking yoruba, of course i understand yoruba but i became dumb as she earlier assumed. The next question was; which church do you attend?

:O i didn’t know what to say because obviously she concluded i was Christian.

Monday is just around the corner please stay tuned šŸ˜€