lets just be fwends

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Can men and women be JUST friends?/Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/a relationship?

I just finished meditating. I meditate twice a day for 15 minutes each. I have made this part of my daily routine and have found the benefits of it to be amazing so far and I believe the more I practice the more benefits I will feel/see. I am rambling about this because I should be focused on my project but whenever I come out of meditation I always feel creative and inspired. The thoughts come rushing into my head.  This blog I believe becomes truer and truer day by day because I am able to open up more due to the lessening of stress I feel.

Anyhow, there wasn’t a significant point to that rambling except for my wanting to share. I believe feeling good can be infectious so I guess part of me wanted to put it out there. As far as the above question goes…hmmmmm…..well it is an age old one that is for sure. Can men and women be friends? Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/being in a relationship? Honestly, I really don’t know. I think most people would say yes but I am unsure.

In regards to men (guys) and women(gals) being just friends I do think it is possible. I also think though that a lot is dependent on the type of relationship the two people have. If a male and female spend a lot of time together, doing various things (watching games, going to bars, going to the beach, etc) I do believe at some point there is a solid chance that one will become attracted to the other. A part of me feels that we are built in a way that either draws us closer to someone of the opposite sex or pushes us further away (either because we aren’t attracted to them or because we are and we know it will never happen so we abandon the situation). There are very few guys in my life that I would consider close friends that at some point I did not feel an attraction to at some point. I have had a male roommate and I do look at him as a close friend  but when we first met and became roommates(at a conference) I admit that the thought did ponder my mind about a romantic or intimate relationship. I felt attracted to him but was unsure of what my feelings really were. I pushed the thought out of my head and I still have remained friends with him (the thought of being with him in any physical or romantic way now is not even a possibility) but at that time I realized I needed to keep my life separate in certain ways from his. I needed to focus more on me in order to not get all wrapped up in that kind of situations. So, yes, we are friends but there are boundaries I make sure to never cross. I guess what I am saying is that men and women can be friends but it usually goes along with more rules and regulations.

I can’t believe I am going to admit this (thank goodness I do not use names) but at one time, probably a year and a half back, I had a male friend that I would go to happy hour with and just chill with from time to time. It sounds kind of mean but he was kind of the guy I went to when nothing else was going on and I was itching to get out of the house. This guy is nice but we would not be compatible in the least. He is your stereotypical engineer nerd (yes he even says that about himself) and our personalities are soooooo extremely different. I am bubbly and silly and loud and he is more analytical and “know it all”. We are not a match even a little bit. Our personalities worked together in certain situations. One night we had a party and I admit that the alcohol was flowing. In a mere moment I found myself attracted to him. The thought of him being snuggled up to me in bed entered my mind. The next day I was in complete denial that I ever felt that. I kept telling myself that thought could not have possibly entered my mind. I know to this day I would never want to be with him but for a minute (or maybe for more than a minute and a few drinks) I felt it. I am telling you this because I believe at some point or another, if a man or a woman has a friend of the opposite sex there will come a time they will find themselves attracted to them( maybe that’s why my male friend’s girlfriends don’t like me- duh). I guess what matters the most is how that person reacts to that feeling. I believe 100% at some point or another my roommate considered me in some way or another. I am sure it was just a passing thought but I guarantee it was there. The good thing about us is that there is not a chance we would act on it because we have seen each other so much and know each other so well now that any attraction or romantic/physical possibilities has ceased. I feel like I keep contradicting my answer. See why I said I don’t know. :0)

What I do know (well what I believe, I can’t really say know) is that men and women being friends after dating/a relationship is very rare. The chances of a long-term successful friendship after being involved is slim to none(except they do not see). I believe that it is a form of regression if people try to be friends after being romantically involved. Obviously, if two people have been romantically involved then there is attraction there. Attraction doesn’t simply go away. If it does go away then I believe that there is a good chance you don’t even want to be around that person anymore. I think people need time to heal and explore themselves and potentially meet someone else when the time is right and maybe after enough time has passes then two people that have been romantically involved may be able to become friends again but I still have doubts about it.there was a time i tried bonding with my ex but Friendship was  not an option because i was too drawn to him romantically and physically and the idea of him being with another girl just tore me up. There was no way I could accept that. He said he believed he would seek me out after all was said and done with his breakup and who knows if that day will ever come but I realized that keeping him in my life right now was not going to be healthy for me…and most likely not for him either. I knew deep down that I would be constantly hoping that things would take a turn and he would realize that I was truly what he wanted and he would forget everything else and just dive in.

I finally stopped dreaming and realized I could not live like that. So, through my experiences, and in my opinion, I do not think it is healthy for two people to “try” and remain friends after a break up. I am not implying they should be arch enemies by any means but I do think that people need their space and time away from each other to regain their independence and their individuality. During those times is when you realize what is truly important to you and if a relationship ends like that then long-term was never meant to be. I may be a die-hard romantic and a dreamer but I truly believe that when it is right it is right…there won’t be a whole bunch of breaking up and getting back together, there won’t be the question of whether to date other people, there won’t be an issue of timing. When it is right, in my opinion, there are no questions and no doubts. A friendship later could be possible but I think initially is not the right time.

What do you think?

10 commandments of online dating

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Follow these commandments or I shall smite you. Totally kidding, I hardly ever smite anyone.

1. Thou shall not ever meet for the first time for more than coffee/drinks

(i.e. something that thou could potentially get out of ASAP if thou’s date beith a total creeper). When your potential match.com boyfriend asks you what you want to do, repeat after me: “Let’s plan on meeting for coffee/drinks and we’ll go from there.” This last phrase is key because it gives you the power to maximize the efficiency of your dating time. If this boy has no dating potential get the smallest drink you can (i.e. a shot of espresso…or Patron depending on just how bad the next 20 minutes are going to be), down it, cut your losses and go. However, if the guy turns out to be great, fully execute the “we’ll go from there” clause by having a post-coffee/drink adventure.

2. Thou canst not feel chemistry through a computer screen.

Sadly, you can spend days on end having great online conversation and even video chats with someone only to meet and find that there is no spark whatsoever. Therefore, in order to maximize efficiency, don’t invest much time with the delightful back-and-forth of online messaging. Obviously be thorough in your initial online evaluation to ensure that he is not a wanted felon, but once your determine that he likely has potential, cut to the chase and meet. If you’ve been messaging someone back-and-forth continuously for three or more weeks, it’s time to move on: they’re not looking for a girlfriend; they’re looking for a pen pal.

3. Thou shall be wary of matches with only one picture,

or with pictures where thou is unable to definitively identify him. A birds-eye-view picture of a man on a mountain top, a man in a snow suit and ski mask, what you can only guess is a man wearing a gorilla Halloween costume, and those which only show the back of the man’s head as he presumably stares pensively out towards the horizon, are red flags when not outnumbered by clear pictures. If he does not have at least 2+ pictures that could be used to identify him in a Police line-up, move on. Further, if you find yourself thinking “wow, he looks like a J. Crew model!” Ask yourself: Is it more likely that 1.) A J. Crew model has had to resort to online dating AND you were lucky enough to be matched with him OR 2.) That some loser cut-and-pasted a picture from the J. Crew website to increase his odds of getting chicks?

4. Thou shall “block” liberally

5. Thou shalt not give away personal contact information.

Communication on a first-name-only basis may be hard in the era of modern technology, but it will be harder to get into the witness protection program, so make it happen. That means no g-chatting from your primary account (if your first and last name will appear as the sender), no giving away your home phone number, no Facebook-befriending, etc. I know it’s just killing you not being able to scroll through his countless Facebook albums so that you can judge all of the TFMs (total frat moves) he pulled during undergrad, but if you are good enough at Googling, you won’t need to ask for his last name anyway. (example search: Dan, Public Relations Specialist, Boston, MA…oh, hey LinkedIn!…and you thought that website was only good for sucking up at job interviews, ha!)

6. Thou shall provide his or her own transportation to and from the date.

Unless of course you want this almost-stranger who may or may not be completely insane to know exactly where you live. After all, everyone needs a good stalker-story, right?

7. Thou shall take reasonable precautions to avoid dating a serial killer.

Make sure that your first few datesare in public places: Yes, not meeting at home may seem obvious (ahem, Craigslist Killer),but here are some other red-flag date ideas that often fly under the radar: Hiking: “I swear I didn’t kill her Officer, it was a bear with a knife!” Also, little known trivia fact: the forest is the most commonly chosen place to dispose of murdered bodies. Just sayin’ Sailing/boat ride: 2 words: No. Witnesses. A picnic in a gorgeous little secluded neck of the woods: How does that saying go? …If a girl screams in the woods but nobody hears her… Don’t agree to a last-minute locale-change: So you’ve been good and told at least one or two friends where you are going and who you are meeting on the off-chance that you are never heard from again, when on the way to meet your OKC Romeo he calls and suggests a much more convenient or fun place to meet. You want to seem easy-going and spontaneous, but you don’t want to die, so refuse. By changing the locale at the very last minute he’s banking on the fact that you won’t have time to tell anyone that your plans had changed. The police will spend days toting those poor cadaver dogs around the local Starbucks that you never even went to, and trying to hunt down the guy that you described to your friend as “idk, he seems ok, he’s tall-ish, and he kind of looks like that German guy from that weird action movie in the 80’s…you know the one…” Don’t agree to move to an unplanned secondary location: Above reasoning also applies here. Additionally, moving to a second locale may introduce the suggestion of taking one car. Here’s the thing about cars…they have locks, and trunks. All that it takes to turn a car into a prison is a psychopath with a plan. If you decide to go to a second location, make sure you are familiar with it, tell someone you’re going, and drive separately.

8. Thou shalt not disclose TMI prior to meeting.

Perfect on paper does not always translate to perfect in real life; don’t get so caught up in your deep and meaningful chat convo that you forget you are talking to someone that you don’t actually know at all. Put a hold on any childhood stories, tales of boyfriends past, and explanations of personal life choices until after you have met and established that you are interested in pursuing him. People rarely handle rejection well, so if you decide you’re not interested in seeing him again, it may not bode well for you that you told him about all of your most embarrassing moments…or your PIN number.

9. Thou shall know what she is looking for

Before you make the decision to jump cannon-ball-style into the pool of potential online matches, take time to decide what you are looking for. Take stock of your past relationships and decide what has worked for you as well as what hasn’t. Having a good idea of the kind of person and relationship that you desire will allow you to maximize your efficiency so that you can quickly weed out misfit matches and zero-in on ones with potential.

10. Thou shall be thou! (Translation: Be yourself)

I know it is tricky to condense ALL of your awesomeness into 500 words or less, but it’s a lot easier to do if you leave out all the clichés and unnecessary statements. For example, saying “I like to have fun,” is completely unnecessary- it is assumed. If you absolutely hate having fun however, that may be worth noting. The more genuinely “you” your profile is, the more likely you are to attract matches who actually have potential. Peace be with you and all that.

xoxo

Lahyoh