who i am…

3 Comments


Who i am..

Life is full of these twists and turns.

Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day. I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can. I am not looking for an answer. There is no answer. Life is about what we feel. We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria. We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.

There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow. We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after. I see bits and pieces of this picture. I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated. I cannot equate love with settling down. I equate love to this amazing sense of desire. I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is. I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t. This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle for the wrong reason. I do not want the house with the white picket fence. I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person. In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry.

I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other. I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling. When I think about love I feel it in every part of me. I am alone right now because of this vision I have. I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable. I don’t want to give up this vision though. One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it. I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away. Is it? Love for everyone is so very different. I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.

I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind. There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple. I don’t know why I am like this. On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this. My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths. I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok. When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?

With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken. I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense. I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense. I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from. I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly). I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from. I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others. I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning.

I cannot lie, I want this feeling back. I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose). I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another. I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves. I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more. I can be by myself. I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back. Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared. In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone. Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head. Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive. I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out. With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery.

I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks. Being asked who you are is such an abstract question. I will not answer by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature. Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition. I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question. It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me. I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me. I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me. I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out. I am a wanderer and an artist. I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms. I am an embracer of words. My physical self is not who I am. My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter. I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable. I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless. I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense.

I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry. I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day. I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place. This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me. I do not want to hide. I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.

so…. WHO ARE YOU? ( you can email me)

Advertisements

How do you define beautiful?

9 Comments


How do you define beautiful?

This is a big question. This is a question someone asked me after my last two posts, I chose this question today because I have been reading and contemplating different things (yes I know that is a big surprise) and I keep coming back to thinking about women and their obsession with their bodies and their outer appearance. I am one of these women. I get so hooked on worrying about what I look like and ache to have all of my imperfections fixed. One day I can feel totally confident and comfortable with myself and the next I don’t want to even look in the mirror. Those days I feel like it is unfair that I have to look the way that I do. I feel like it is unfair that I don’t have a perfectly fit body or perfect teeth or perfect skin. Yes, those days can feel really rough and will drain me so badly. Luckily those days are coming much fewer and far between because I am not grasping life in a different way. That is me though. I know so many women that still suffer with this self-loathing every second of every single day. It is a mental illness because we have wired our brains to think we are not good enough or that we have to be a certain size or shape with a particular hair color and flawless skin in order to be considered beautiful. This is so wrong. Beauty does not have a thing to do with the outer appearance. Yes, some people have been blessed with flawless skin or very shapely beautiful bodies but those things do not at all define who they are. They are assets that will change and age over time. This is not an insult….this is just the cycle we call life. We all age and we all grow old.

So, then what is beautiful? How can one define this word? I do not understand how the dictionary even has a definition because in my opinion beauty is something different to everyone. There are so many words that have these set definitions in this book that has guided us all of our lives. Such words as: truth, perfection, right, wrong and love. To me they can only be defined individually, not as a whole for everyone to believe is right and there is no bending.
Beautiful is a person being completely true to self.

Beautiful is having the ability to carry love in your heart at all times even when everything seems to be going wrong.

Beautiful is opening up your mind and learning as much in this world as possible. Beautiful is always striving to be better.

Beautiful is inspiring others.

Beautiful is being scared to death but being courageous all at the same time.

Beautiful is admitting your flaw and faults but not allowing them define you.

Beautiful is you being the only person to define you, no one else.

Beautiful is having strong convictions and beliefs but still being open to other’s points of view.

Beautiful is acting with kindness and compassion.

Beautiful is putting other’s before yourself.

Beautiful is accepting yourself. You may not be thin or the most successful person in school or where you work but you are still one of a kind. Knowing and believing that is beautiful.

Beauty is everywhere in this world, around every corner and behind every door. We sometimes just have to take off our judgmental glasses to see it. What does not fit our mold may be perfect for someone else.

Sometimes when I write these blog entries I feel like I complete cheese out. I feel like people are going to think I am this all-knowing perfect angel that does nothing wrong and harps all of this stuff about positive thinking and inspiration. Well, I guess I am one of those people. No, I am far from a perfect angel but I have an immense amount of goodness in my heart. I need to follow my own advice and stop letting my thoughts about what other’s are thinking take me over. I have to say to myself, “You are being positive and trying to motivate others. If other’s find that bad that is there choice. You are doing a great thing. You know it helps you and you can help others even if it is in just a small way.” I do want people to know they are beautiful. I think that is very important in life. As i didn’t especially in the last few weeks not embracing my beauty because I had the definition all wrong. I got all caught up in the media’s definition of beauty is and my thoughts on what I thought a man wants a woman to look like that I completely lost touch with what beauty truly is. I bring up these subjects in my blog because I know so many women (and I know men do too) criticize themselves inside and out. We hate our nose or our ears stick out or our thighs are too big or our boobs aren’t big enough (I would be speaking of others about the boob thing-I surely don’t have that problem-hahahaha). I write these things to remind myself. We live in this society where there is a really warped idea of what beautiful really is. Who do you surround yourself with? How do they define beauty? Do you agree? If not, it may be time to reevaluate your settings and who you surround yourself with. Take a second and reflect back on your childhood (probably up until about 3rd grade). What you looked like and what you wore did not matter. How much money you had was insignificant. Everyone was your friend (for the most part). All that mattered was having fun and enjoying life. Life should not be any different but unfortunately it is. BUT, you can always make a choice as to how you view things and how you want to react to them. There are a lot of in your face questions that can be asked here: Do you enjoy allowing other’s to define you? Do you believe that being beautiful means being tall and thin? Have you ever met someone with great physical attributes but a really ugly personality? Is this person still beautiful to you? How many times have you actually met someone like that? I have met several people like that. They try to get through life on their looks, and some of them may for awhile but looks fade. I have met men before that have been extremely handsome (at least they appealed to my eye) and as soon as they spoke they immediately lost all beauty and wonder. Their arrogance and ignorance became a major turnoff. They were unable to see anything outside of themselves and in my opinion that is probably one of the most UN-Beautiful qualities a person could have.

So readers tell me this…have you experienced beauty today? Where and in what? I want to know what you see. :0)

i dont feel beautiful :(

9 Comments


I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.

I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?

I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.

The last few weeks or so has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight especially in my cheeks and stomach area because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.

I don’t feel beautiful (well i feel ugly, but i won’t be pessimistic).

I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful even though people say i am.

I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? Of recent? No.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My friends,clients and colleagues like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am with an awesome person who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it i know i have an attractive body but the feeling of beauty, i just don’t have..

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is multicoloured skin . Just flaws. The flaws that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.

I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But we have to take care of ourselves, use your lotion, drugs, eat Good food,drink a lot of water, exercise well and apply all the necessary makeups. In the last few months have been working so hard and earning as deserved but i can count how many new good things i have in my closet, i was forced to shop last week but i was too busy to do it, i don’t even take good care of my hair anymore, how will i? When i don’t even have a body cream. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m careless about it, so its leaving me for someone else 3-|

So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was black or ugly (i L♥√ع dark skinned girls, but i L♥√ع my old brown sugar self) but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.

So i took a test….

what’s your opinion 😀