ImageNow Pronounce You…Absolutely Annoying!

 

Thanks to the timely uploads on Facebook and other media, I feel like I have attended many more weddings than those I was physically present at. Having acknowledged that the marriage is far more important than the wedding details, allow me to share five wedding trends that I now pronounce absolutely annoying.

 

1) The Bolero Jacket

 

Basically, the bolero jacket is meant to flatter one’s shape. The perfect fit of the rounded front corners should make the waist appear smaller. I’m sure whoever reintroduced this jacket to the fashion runways had good intentions. But oh no! Many brides have reinvented the purpose-driven life of the bolero. With little regard to the fit, the jacket’s primary function is now to hide ‘immodest’ strapless wedding dresses from judgmental frowns at the wedding ceremony.

Ill-fitted boleros have quickly become the No. 1 bridal wardrobe mishap and they can take you from looking like Grace Kelly to looking like Lady Gaga in a heartbeat. Some are almost A-lined and others are just downright unpleasant to behold. Please. Don’t give a lecture on what brides can or cannot afford. Iya Yusuf can do a great job and even attach a Vera Wang tag for you at no extra charge. Note that all Iya Yisuf’s are not equal. On the other hand, there are other options beyond strapless dresses. So many other great wedding dress styles can admirably embrace your curves, hide your physical insecurities and eliminate the need for that increasingly misinterpreted jacket.

If you must wear one, at least make sure it fits perfectly, and that the color and fabric blend well with the rest of your wardrobe. Bridesmaids take note too!

 

2) “Cash Only Gifts”

When couples insist on not receiving wedding gifts, my first thought is that they live in a country different from where the wedding is taking place. I get that. The breaking point is when couples go the extra mile to directly request ‘cash only’ gifts. Are they totally kidding? So if I planned to give them a set of ‘tumblers’ valued at N1000 (about $6.20) or thereabout, can I send them the money instead or will I become their favorite ‘weird-wedding-moment’ topic? Will they wonder if I think they are suffering? No, I do not think they are struggling. However, I do think they might send all sorts of wrong and confusing signals to their invited guests, especially those unrelated to Dangote like me. 

Dear couples, instead of making a formal and direct request for “cash gifts only”, rephrase those words to something like, “No large gifts items please”. In other words, you are not only giving your guests a lead on what you don’t want, but also giving them the flexibility to choose from a variety of other gift options. You can only hope your invitees will read in between the lines. However, be more open with your close family members and friends. They will indisputably understand.

Although I think couples can use monetary gifts as they deem fit -whether to pay off pending bills to wedding vendors or to make a down payment on their dream vacation- making a direct request for it is just downright tacky.

 

3) Clueless Aso-ebi Buyers

 

It is so funny how often people complain about outrageous aso-ebi price points, like i did in one of my posts. Yet, they buy the “hespensif” fabrics plus gele, sew their glamorous styles, come to the wedding and just sit down throughout the party with half of their costly fabric tucked under the table. These are the clueless aso-ebi buyers and over fifty percent of their party time is either spent staring at other guests or posing to be gazed upon. They are the clear victims of societal expectations and trends.

Get up! Dance with the couple!

Be part of the wedding fun!

Another set, are those who don’t even know the said couples, they were not even invited, some have taken advantage of Iya Yusuf’s great talent of mixing fabric with raw silk and satin to make it glamorous by taking the one and half yards left of the bride’s sister or taking one yard each from all the corners of the family, just to attend the wedding set to hold at Eko hotels and suits since they didn’t get to attend one of those award nights at this same venue. This one I experienced at the time Funke Akindele was planning her wedding, a friend of a friend claimed she once dated her brother but couldn’t get the Aso ebi because she was out of Lagos, you know Aso ebi in Nigeria is automatic IV-cards so the struggle to get one is crazy! Apparently, she got two yards from two of us and attending a wedding she had no clue about.

Please and please atleast try go with someone familiar, if you have to forcefully go. Hian!

 

4) Carrying the Bride

I’m yet to understand the logical relevance of those pictures of the grooms men carry the bride – with or without the groom. The groom is strategically positioned to brace her bust line or under arms, while the groomsmen hold on to strange parts of her body. Why even bother with this picture pose? It has so much potential to turn into a complete disaster. If she as much as slips, the groom looses five points off his perfect score for dropping his gem and another five points off for recruiting grooms men without sufficient six packs.

Ok…ok…with that many grooms men, she is less likely to fall. But still, this picture really doesn’t make or break a wedding album. I’m sure your single grooms men would rather be exchanging digits with some single sisters, instead of lifting the heaviness of a taken woman, especially the pregnant brides! Gosh! The look is *shakes head*

However, if you have always visualized this particular picture in your wedding album, I mean if you absolutely must, kindly pay close attention to the unspoken weight limit here. Be considerate.

 

5) Reserved Seats

A friend and I arrived over two hours late to some wedding reception and were happy we could seat at any of the empty tables we immediately spotted. At a closer glance, we noticed all those tables had ‘RESERVED’ cards on them. About eight tables! Now let me clarify some things here: 

(a) this was not an ‘Invitation Only’ event where the vacant seats could be explained by pre-designated sitting arrangements. 

(b) We were very late. In other words, the ceremony had been on for a while.

After a lady offered us seats at her table, I repeatedly glanced over at the reserved tables, waiting for the ‘important’ guests to arrive and desecrate the untouched dinner plate settings.

Iró ni o. An hour and a half later, those seats remained empty as we were leaving.

Most of these unspecified tables are reserved for people who end up sitting at other tables because they are uninformed of their reserved seats. So, unless you have specific invitees ushered to those sacred tables, this event planning/wedding tactic holds little sense.

Phew, that’s a wrap. 

 

Other eye-rolling trends include White Tuxedos, Cash Bars where guests pay for their own alcoholic beverages at the wedding; and those very environmentally-unfriendly Plastic Souvenirs that every Nigerian home has an ample supply of. 

  And then we have those (albeit useful) Gift Bags plastered with the couple’s picture. Some weeks back, I used one of such as my work lunch pouch. After work one day, the company director of another company in my building and I were on the staircase talking when he suddenly asked, “so what happened to them?” pointing to my lunch bag.

I happily responded, “Oh they got married!”

He blandly replied, “Interesting, but it looks more like they both passed on.”

I guess he didn’t see the ‘Conjugal Bliss’ printed at the far bottom.

 

Blind he must be…..I Now Pronounce You…Absolutely Annoying!

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