I was dumbfounded, I looked up to God and asked him WHY? Am not worried, no one should. There’s too much already to handle; the scars, the stigma, the change, rejection, fear and lost of hope. I was only 23, I had my masters waiting for me in Cyprus. I had promised my mum I would make her proud but Alas, I can’t do any of these anymore.
If only I had gone straight to the conference and never branched Josh‘s house, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be here today. Just maybe!
I had to be strong. My life has taken a sudden turn, I knew my mum wouldn’t support abortion but I had to try. She was quiet the whole time, I was afraid of what she’ll utter next. She’s never been this quiet or sober. Even when dad died, she spoke her mind and consoled me. But today, she was just staring into space, no tears, no words.

This silence raised my fears and I just wanted to run away. I wish I knew about the pregnancy myself and just got rid of it before anyone found out. The worst had happened to me in 6weeks, nothing can hurt more. My stitches were still healing, I still had minor TBI and I was still afraid of guys in groups. “I don’t know where to start from”. Finally, she spoke! She cursed! She cried! She swore on the day she had me and said, whoever did this to me would know no peace. She yelled and all her anger was all out at once. I could feel it in my body, how every fibre of my being wanted to crush Josh. Since the incident, she hadn’t said anything about Josh (guess she was just trying to make me happy and not make me think thoughts).

Dr Olu left us to have our family time. My aunt was out with her husband to get fresh air. I presumed they knew before agreeing to welcome me to their home. For the first time, my mum turned red on me, she shouted at me and blamed me for bringing her to this point, embracing her with my attitude and mistakes. Making it known to me how much she is trying not to blame me and help me because of my TBI but the reality remains. I have kept too much secrets and that’s why I’m in this dark maze. She said everything and I appreciated it. In fact I felt more relieved at this, than the silence. I hate quiet people, they scare me and they scare me even now more than ever.
Josh is very out going and much more of an extrovert but he’ll never tell you what he is planning or up to and that’s why it was easy for him to keep so much away from me and I didn’t even notice. Now I’m left all alone. Josh is half way across the world, I can’t even reach him. Its only wise we agree fast and abort the pregnancy. I believe God would forgive us(me). My mum broke the silence again; “so what do you want”?
Me: Abortion! I exclaimed.
Mum: What? Have you had one before?
Me: No, No, No. I just think its the best option.

She obviously was not in support, she must have given it some thought but never expected me to say it or even think about it. We had a really long silence until my aunt came in to remind us Lagos is a long drive and it was getting late. Xxxxx my hospital room, the nurses, the caterers, and especially Doctor Olu. He practically saved my life. I had a lot of cards and friends. Walking through my therapy hall (dialysis and chemo) was awesome, but tears dropped. A lot of these people I met, some died, others I’m leaving here, who am I to choose my own fate? Who am I to question God? Who am to kill an innocent soul?. But who am I not to demand a better life??.

Dear M’ADE readers, please what would you advice? Do I keep it and hope it’s Josh’, or do I keep it and leave in the mystery of finding the rapist and then identify the father of my unborn child long after its born? Or do I get rid of it and start afresh??? Please help me! My mum and I are confused!
….

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