i dont feel beautiful :(

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I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.

I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?

I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.

The last few weeks or so has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight especially in my cheeks and stomach area because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.

I don’t feel beautiful (well i feel ugly, but i won’t be pessimistic).

I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful even though people say i am.

I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? Of recent? No.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My friends,clients and colleagues like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am with an awesome person who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it i know i have an attractive body but the feeling of beauty, i just don’t have..

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is multicoloured skin . Just flaws. The flaws that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.

I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But we have to take care of ourselves, use your lotion, drugs, eat Good food,drink a lot of water, exercise well and apply all the necessary makeups. In the last few months have been working so hard and earning as deserved but i can count how many new good things i have in my closet, i was forced to shop last week but i was too busy to do it, i don’t even take good care of my hair anymore, how will i? When i don’t even have a body cream. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m careless about it, so its leaving me for someone else 3-|

So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was black or ugly (i L♥√ع dark skinned girls, but i L♥√ع my old brown sugar self) but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.

So i took a test….

what’s your opinion 😀

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MBGN 2012…

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Good-morning my wonderful readers and followers, the weekend thankfully came in a rush and am glad i will have the next week supporting the African human race, will post pictures and videos later..

By the way, am competing for the MBGN 2012 😀 hopefully you will vote for me *wink*

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=276542529106089&set=a.276440245782984.65699.134391599987850&type=3&theater

lets hear you view on this,(DID YOU SEE ME? HOW DO I LOOK 😀 )

 

Don’t forget to support a child today by making a donation to the SLUM2SCHOOL project

http://communityimpactng.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/a-little-act-of-kindness/

 

Boob-fancy

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Nobody can deny the beauty of a woman’s breasts as they are a source of sensuality for both admires and owners alike. Breasts are an essential food source for babies. A woman breasts are as important to her as a man sex organ is to him and they seems to drive men of all ages wild with fantasy and desires.

But do all men really fantasize about big breasts? The society seems to accept the fact that men prefer them big, but it’s unclear exactly why they are drawn to an impressive cleavage.

Today, we shall attempt to explain why men are so passionate about tiny waist and voluptuous female bodies. Although 70 per cent of men say they prefer large breasts. Many women are happy with smaller ones. When asked if they would like to have larger breasts (without having to experience any pain, or pay a cent to for them) only 5 per cent of women said yes.

Over the last 20 years, the average bra size has gone up from 36B to 40B. Although women accept that nature has given them breasts, they accept the fact that men and society seem to prefer large. They are still haunted by the fact that big breasted women steal the show. But do they? Have you wondered why men find big breast so attractive? Scientists, psychologists and sex therapist have tried to address the issue.

Men’s unending search for motherly breasts may be the number one culprit and the reason is obvious; a baby first feeds from his mother’s breast and so breast continues to fascinate him throughout his life, long after his interest in milk has disappeared. Because his mother has large breast when he was small, a man will try to find someone who can ‘nourish’ him again. Many mother’s are choosing to bottle-feed tan breast-feed their babies, but this does not seem to make their male off-spring either indifferent to or, conversely, obsessed with large breasts. The fact remains that the male child has a feel of big breast while being hugged or cuddled by his mum and he feeds longer on breast than the female child.

Another simple psychological explanation is that large, firm breasts are an indicator of good health. It is believed that a beautiful woman appears healthier than an unattractive woman. Therefore, for men large breast and well defined hips are indicative of high sex hormones levels and fertility. The general belief is that beautiful breasts bring forth beautiful children. When a man respond to a beautiful curvy woman, he does so instinctively as a future father, just as a woman responds to a kind, gentle, thoughtful, helpful, caring handsome man with broad shoulders, baritone voice and an athletic body.

Guys, am i right?

you should totally see this movie..

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TITANIC 3D

THE AMERICAN REUNION

the girl with the dragon tatto

THE HUNGER GAMES

we bought a zoo

chimpanzees

mirror mirror

i just thought all work and no play, make you my follower —- :p so lets enjoy the weekend seeing thess movies.

enjoy!

TEMI TO NKEM

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read also: Nkem to Temi : https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/nkem-to-temi/

 

its been 2years and i just though to let you know my mind.

There goes my baby……now, that song always got me thinking how could i have just watched things slip away, but hey, am here, oh no am not its the new me, am thinking and writing confused and worried if I’ll ever find true love, if  ‘ll ever find that man that’s just like my baby, my big baby i call him, Temi, my L♥√ع, my darling, my happiness, my joy, he’s just everything you want but maybe what makes him human is that he’s not perfect, how can he be when all we do is laugh and fight.

the laugh, did i actually truly laugh in years, yes i did when i was with him; our journey far was all because of mathematics, i remember never seeing anyone like him before, though have seen someone that looks better, he’s tall, dark, handsome not of the finest breed but he’s funny.

In tears, i sat ranting about how am going to cope with the extra loads i had with my new department and all, then he came along, laughing at me saying he’s never seen a pretty-big girl of my age crying in public, but deep inside it wasn’t the math, it was home, it was my boyfriend, it was pressure and i just needed something to blame and when anyone asked i told the same lie, its mathematics and he offered to help me and that was it, i didn’t even ask of his name.

Weeks after weeks i didn’t even remember the deal and then we crossed path again i defensively accused him of dulling me then he said “its you who need help, not i” and i wondered what kind of guy would act/talk so bluntly and then we made another agreement, he would come to my house on Saturdays and Sundays and we barely did maths, all we did was talk, talk and talk, cook together, eat and maybe music.

Weeks after weeks we bonded, shared stories and become closer, he was all about the facts and always blunt about it! Of course i like facts but i never liked bluntness and it was obvious he won’t stop, i had my part but i can’t place that part of my memory.

One night he came over to my house, we talked and talked and he was going to leave and then i just didn’t want him to go and of course he didn’t want to leave either but then the fact is he had to go, it was getting too late and he concluded he would stay at his friends’ close by my hostel and there we asked each other at almost the same time, what do you feel for me (it was funny) we kissed, he was gentle, soft, direct and perfect, we couldn’t stop, it was the most passionate, long and french ever. It wasn’t like the other guys were we argue why we should date or not, he likes me and i was falling for every bit of him. my friends like him and his did me.

From the first kiss, went the second and third and many more passionate kisses. He is just the one, we are alike, he is very athletic, humble, respectful but blunt, straight forward, calm, funny, intelligent, nice, caring, sweet and i can go on but he’s stubborn, argues to the last, obsessive, nonchalant and annoying ( in a sweet way though) we shared almost everything but one thing we didn’t share was agreeing. Temi made me understand what L♥√ع was, he was my friend, my brother and everything and with time we grew to understand each other and we were everywhere together, we would text each other at intervals, he would call me till i fall asleep and he would help me with house chores.

he loves sports but i hate to be the one to wash the socks, or massage his broken ankle or toes, but i L♥√ع that he let me baby him. The fact that he’s so tall and makes me feel so small makes me see a reason to respect him because i can also be very rude,  he would be at my doorstep the moment i say “i miss you bro” we would read, sleep and wake up the next morning and pray together, he there every step of the way, he would stay up at night to rub my back whenever am sick and would be close to tears when i cry and shout in pain, he would not hesitate to walk miles home after he tucks me in bed and its too late to get a cab.

All roads ain’t smooth but ours was, if only we never lamented about minor things if only i stopped messaging my ex and if only he stopped telling me how much L♥√ع had for his ex, if only he’s best friend girl was too close for my liking, if only i didn’t let my past hunt me down with insecurity and i was all nosy and Nagy. If only we prayed more and didn’t let the things o this world get to us. And focus on what we already shared..love. If only we held on to the sweet memories we shared; the date nights, the beautiful sex we had, the awkward moments we were caught naked, the beautiful gifts we exchanged, the days we would write stuffs together, read together , call our families and all those smiles.

Nkem, that’s what he calls me (his own). But then, maybe it was all too much and things were a little perfect and we fought almost everyday over very insignificant things, we took a break and we just couldn’t handle it and came back together after 48hours of not talking, Temi came knocking on my door and said he was sorry, we were out all night and there was a shooting star and we both made a wish and after a while he asked what i wished and i said i wished that our L♥√ع grows and we can settle down with kids and he didn’t say his (he like to blackmail me) we argued it and ended the night with a kiss.

We had plans to have a nice vacation, i was saving up and was excited then we had a fight about me going through his phone, then the next day i called him and he said he was in Abuja and shunned me off, i was really sad, i had a competition that day and i didn’t do well at all, i called several times and my L♥√ع didn’t pick his calls, only for him to call me the next day saying he was still angry with me and will call me when he’s calm. I missed him so much and cried almost every night, and would even send texts he wouldn’t reply. Finally, he texts me “where are you” and i replied “home” he came over and as usual filled each other in on the days apart, he mentioned talking to his best girl friend everyday while he was away since he didn’t want to speak to me ( i was jealous and angry) then he said ” i went to see  his ex, i can remember vividly my heart pumped, and every strand of hair on my body rose and i kept calm cause i wanted to hear everything but truly i wasn’t listening, i felt loss, heartbreak and disappointment after summing up why he didn’t take me on the trip and why he didn’t speak to me through out and multiplying it with the fact that he kept saying he will always love her, it was fear, hatred and defeat that drown me, i could swear i didn’t hear any other thing. And when we woke up the next morning, i started from that day onward to make silly evaluations and read meaning to everything he said, we fought more often and i stopped checking his phones even though she messaged and called but i was sure i was done.

But how can i be done, when i still L♥√ع him, i talked to friends and family and the more people i talked to, the more confused i was, Temi, had to travel and almost after he left i was sick, i told him but he was always too busy to even checkup on me.  Several thoughts would cross my mind and i just couldn’t think straight anymore, but a piece of me just prayed and hoped for solution, one day, i had to go see my potential brother in-law as i always called him and on leaving there it rained cat and dog, my bike slipped and the next thing i remember is that i was in the hospital, after days i was discharged and i told him what happened, his response was “did i send you there”. i was shocked and that was the last we spoke, i knew something was wrong but i couldn’t place it.

It killed me more because i couldn’t talk to anyone we met back in school and he didn’t mention and i just hated him for that, i was hurt my leg was left with a scar and he didn’t notice, i told him i needed a break and he said he was hoping for that, we clearly didn’t have a good discussion because of pride and fear.

As much as i would like to write more, i just want you to know that despite the hate and irritation i had for you, i would never forget how you made my sister yours, my problem yours, my fear your fear, and how you filled my world with so much joy. All the crazy things we did, all the sleepless night all the sky-ping, all the good sex and all the baby names we argued about, have not shared them with anyone because there will be none like you. I am though still angry and hurt and wanna slap your face right now for that day you had me over to your place and tried so many things called me several names and brought out the monster in me, i would though like to hear from you, and tell me what really went wrong.  The space i created for you still remains and i haven’t found L♥√ع!

Nkem to Temi : https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/nkem-to-temi/

NKEM TO TEMI

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in reply to: https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/temi-to-nkem/

Don’t know where to start or how to put this in words, memories flood my head as i recall the times we share, the smiles the frown the tears the pain the anger and the joy .

it all started so innocently for the honest intentions of a boy trying to help a crying girl to the unexpected evolution from friends to lovers
she came and she showed me care and kindness, attention and devotion all coming in a time when i thought no ONE really did care, I’ve had experiences with woman but she showed me a whole new kind of relationship, ours wasn’t the typical relationship, we played like kids and acted like children but still not loosing sight of ourselves.
we let ourselves go and enjoyed every moment we spent together, she was the light that was at the end of the tunnel. we shared stories and shared emotions, we cuddled up and watched movies, we shared songs and spent the best times together.

it wasn’t all fun and games, she still was hooked on her ex and i was trying to let go of mine as well, i was jealous and somehow i felt i didn’t have the right to be, what used to get me the most was that i would be right by her side and she’ll be talking to her ex, at first i didn’t mind much until it seems to get worse.
i wanted to be the first person she spoke to each morning and the last at night but somehow he seem to always beat me to it, and when i was with her it was like she was with him, because she spent most of our times together either talking to him or texting him. yes i still had issues to deal with my ex but i didn’t bring it between us.
somehow we went through it all and still found ways to enjoy each others company, we were like two lost souls who had found companionship after a long and fruitless search, she made me feel like no other had, i didn’t have to pretend when i was around her, i could be the child and the man at the same time, as much as i hated people doing things for me, somehow i was comfortable with her helping me, and every other girl didn’t seem to exist with her in my life.
she was the reason for my morning smiles and my joyous times. how could one person mean so much to someone else, how could she make me feel like dis without doing much, how could i miss her so much when i was just with her 5mins ago?
she was warm and kind caring to a fault, sometimes she was rude and very jealous but she always listened when i spoke, it was amazing that she could calm me down with just a smile.

Things started to go sour, we fought and argued and fought and argued some more, it got worse and i started to zone out, i went abroad for awhile and things only seemed to get worse, maybe it was cause i was expecting her to get back with her ex during that break. i couldn’t help but anticipate it, it started to affect me, i got distant and i started to pull away, hide my feelings so much it seemed like i started to suffocate it. when i got back and she was waiting i wanted to get things right but the damage i had done was so great that it had also affect her as well, she was distant and cold she wasn’t my baby anymore, it was like we was together not because we wanted to be but because we couldn’t let go for some reason. it killed me to know i was the reason all dis was happening.
How could i have done this to someone that meant the world to me, how could i possibly have loved this wonderful lady and yet hurt her so much, was i so horrible a person that i could cause another human so much pain?
For the first time in a long time i was scared and confused and worried and lost all at once, i used to be the one everyone ran to when they needed advice, i used to be the one that had all the answers and yet i couldn’t find me when i need me the most.
Sometimes i wounder maybe if i had done things a little differently she’ll still be with me, maybe if i had done more and given more, maybe if i had smiled more and worried less things would have turned out different. Maybe if i wasn’t so caught up in my own worry i would have seen the tears in her eyes and the pain in her heart, maybe i would have felt the pain that she felt and maybe just maybe i would have got it right.
I cant change the past so i wont even try, i just want you to know that i am sorry for the hurt, pain and tears i must have caused you and somehow when we see again we can sit and remember the times we shared with a smile on our face.

TEMI TO NKEM: https://madekreations.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/temi-to-nkem/

slum2school

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