No, I am not talking about love (though that would be good as I crave it), or money (even better, I love it), or fame and wealth (oh, best), but what I am actually talking about is what none of you will see coming. I’m talking about the greatest feeling ever…I’m talking about having the power to get rid of your frustration and discomfort, which most times comes when you’re not willing to give in. I’m talking about having the physical and mental ability to expose a portal from which your burden and frustration can be let out. To be more specific, I am talking about shitting. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. What is it about shitting that has you feeling like a new person at the end of it? You go into a room (also known as the bathroom or the toilet), sit on a commode, expose this bizarre portal (also known as your anus) and before you know it, sliding out (boom!) it can make a splash or land like ice cube in a cup of water. You sit there and just push and push and have all kinds of grimaces on your face; and at the end of that drop you smile (tell me you don’t). Bathroom time for me is almost like a force time, like I just have to do it but dear, I love sitting in the toilet, I get a lot of inspiration from it, and I know its not only me, I have a friend that reads novel in the toilet (I can’t mention she WILL have me arrested) , In fact most times I have my bath in the toilet and trust me no shit can come out of my anus in the dark, I like it all light up and spacious, if I can’t get a room I can do it outside, it was so much fun back then in secondary school (many call it shot put). That reminds me, the worst shot put of my life was when we took a family vacation to my father’s then-new house and my sisters and I had to do it, I was almost done and my youngest sister said she was done and I wondered what my business was when I was busy trying to push and she said she’s not tall enough to throw it over the fence, I said “climb that stone” and just in seconds, something so sticky, smelly and brown fell off my hair to my nose and as I tried to raise my head to see, it was my sister’s shit, she was on the run cause I was going to kill her I couldn’t find water and I ran to my mum, I saw a bucket of water and deepen my head into it only to realize it was hot water from the rice she was parboiling, let me save you the shit but that scene was shitty. There is something so fascinating about one’s own shit that you never feel like it stinks. In fact, you think it is the best smelling shit ever (if there is such a thing). but when it is someone else’s shit, I would not even dare go close to that place because it stinks! My shit smells so good that I do not even feel the need to spray an air freshener when I’m done. Yes, it is as typical as that my sister only shits in the middle of the night or when there’s no one at home, her shit stinks, like waste, been watered and kept in the cupboard for 5days. Its as bad as she sprays the toilet and locks herself in for an hour or more (not enough thou).

Oh, the joy I feel! The smart people (also known as scientists) who came up with the theory of matter coming in three states (solid, liquid and gas) are very smart people indeed! Think of it; shit is solid, urine is liquid, and fart is gas. Brilliant! I find it very astounding that you can get rid of your excess luggage in three different states. They all seem to do miracles to my comfort level has they come in handy in different time zones and location. I do not know what kind of people you have in your life, but I think I have the weirdest people in mine. Whenever my father farts (which he does very often and quite loudly too), and you try to move away, he will press you down and fart in your hand but if you smile, he’ll tell you good! My mother on the other hand can spend hours in the toilet, I refuse to try to understand why but I know she does it three times in the morning before going to shop, wow what is she shitting?. As for my father’s shit, I can’t even remember what it smells like it’s been 6years so, let’s hope the weather in UK changed him, my youngest sister once text-ed us “911” and I was wondering what is it again, we called and she said I just denied dad being my father and we said why? She said “dad just farted in the bus and it was so loud and smelly I can’t afford the stigma” seriously I can picture the situation.

Now, what is it that makes shit so personal and private? Nobody ever wants to shit in someone’s house…unless it’s a very close friend or family, of course. What would you do if you are in the house of a new romantic interest and the urge suddenly comes? I’ll tell you what I do when I’m in a house where I do not wish the stench of my shit (however pleasant) to be smelt. I try to cover the whole commode with my butt and thighs, so that the stench does not escape, and then as soon as the shit enters the water, I flush, and wait for the next arrival. Of course, I do not guarantee that this will work on your shit; stenches of shit do come in different flavors, you know? And some shit don’t just flush, you have to get a bucket and do the flushing with so much pressure. It feels so great to release one of your own naturally-made FLAVORS. There is this special shit I shit, It is the one where you take off your pants/skirt and underwear completely because you need the space to spread your legs apart. And while shitting, you have to put both hands on your head. I guess you must be going through an Oh-thank-you-Lord-for-this-miracle phase with your eyes closed and mouth open, sometimes you can feel a tear in your anus and the way it drops ehn the water in the closet just splashes HALLELUJAH. We just have to give praises to GOD as to his miracles, he knew many of us will be producing really hard and musculus shit, he gave us a retractable opening that no matter how big your shit is, it will pass!

MORAL: whatever shit you’re giving or taking it’ll pass

pls drop your shitty comments 😀

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